Born Confused

(inspired by this picture–which wasn’t taken by me)

There’s something within me,
a climax–a moment to lose then share–
heart wants to be exposed laid bare…
but keeping in mind time maxes
curious how you feel the pain in your chest it pulls, turns and twists
and for what? Not even a risk–
for that involves chance—
yet, all we know of the heart is that it is a pump
and yet it is felt a lance
of romance, piercing pain;
back and forth oh heart– what stance?

wannabeharamoobobi:ok whats ur thoughts on athiesm?
me:The world is need of more piety and less self righteousness…[whether religious or otherwise]
wannabeharamoobobi:or let me ask in another way a number of athiests say, “why do i need religion to be a moral human being, i can be moral enuf w/o religion”
or something similar, what are your reactions to that? is that indeed possible?
me:i disrespect them for being blind in the heart; and I approve of their intellect and not taking things because of the status quo
in my volunteer work I see atheists good people striving to be altruistic I admire that
however, it is the human nature to love good it is their fitrah that causes one to feel good after doing good so it’s natural to be good but they do it for themselves so they miss out on the lesson of life
wannabeharamoobobi:so then how would one understand what Allah means when He talks about the fitra of some people being “erased”? or “smashed”
me:people who love and enjoy the bad and hate the good and don’t even realize they are doing bad like even the people of Lut knew they were doing bad’ you want to make us pure? get out of here’
wannabeharamoobobi:uhuh
me:and the sadists, the murders of today that they enjoy harm and get a kick out of it this perversity is the fitrah destroyed
wannabeharamoobobi: so how wud u explain all of that to an atheist and respond to that claim, that religion isnt needed to keep morality? what is it about religion that preserves the fitra?
me: According to english www.google.com/search?q=define%3A+moral&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a they would be moral. morality isn’t necessarily linked to religion the very basic level
wannabeharamoobobi:thats true
me:but intention is the blossom of the fruit
wannabeharamoobobi:but what is it about religion that “maintains” or “perfects” morality?? i mean maintains and perfects Fitra?
me: intention, and the lesson of life: selflessness, resigning to Allah
wannabeharamoobobi:and if you dont think there’s any Allah?
me:then your morality is shallow
wannabeharamoobobi:ok, why shallow? according to what?
me:not true morality
wannabeharamoobobi:the athiest wud say truth is relative
me:like everyone is a slave of Allah
wannabeharamoobobi:only according to you
me:well in relativism
wannabeharamoobobi:because i can just as well of my own accord to all the “moral” things, like give charity, help a lady cross the street, not lie/cheat, etc
me:the only absolute is that there is no absolution and therefore defeats itselfand therefore relativism is not true
wannabeharamoobobi:well then some people think its moral to support gays and some say its immoral so who’s line do i take? why shud i listen to an outdated book authored by who-knows from the stone age?
me:you realize that kaffir is worse then being gay and everyone has desired someone that wasn’t halal for them but we still talk to kaffirs
wannabeharamoobobi:go on…
me:and we inshAllah don’t act on our wishes and restrain from the major sins inshAllah and a sign of the believer is when they do wrong and feel bad it’s a combination of Love, Hope and Fear with Allah swt why do you ask?
wannabeharamoobobi:
to be honest i’ve been observing alot of whats going on with people, and it seems athiesm is growing alarmingly, and even one could say anti-thiesm, meaning outright disdain of anything “divine” actually im thinking of writing a book about a muslim’s response to athiesm’s questions
me:
well, they belong in the interfaith community too
it’s their choice
wannabeharamoobobi:
so im playing devils’ advocate with you and seeing what you think
me:
and some of them become Muslim
wannabeharamoobobi:
thats all true of course
let me ask you
why do you think Allah exists?
i’ve been trying to put myself in their shoes
following their line of reasoning
why worship someone you dont know?
and those who “know Allah thru spirit”, is there a way to determine what is genuine in that and what is delusion?
wannabeharamoobobi:
why is it that in Islam,
me:
Allah is beyond “existence” and simply never has a begining or an ending, God tells us of Himself what He pleases–and if the sun is too bright to see–how can we stand to see God. And like our preception of the sun “setting” (but not really) Allah tells His characteristics not essence
wannabeharamoobobi:
humans are asked to make sacrifices to perfect themselves, instead of going the direct route like in Buddhism, and enhancing themselves and building their powers?
me:
how do we have the concept –even the word of perfect?
infinite?
we know them in theory–but do we KNOW them?
these are God-given voc—sorry restate your question
wannabeharamoobobi:
the last one? well do u know a little about Buddhism?
they believe in basically enhancing the human abilities, like for example working on your concentration
until you reach a super level of concentration
me:
well we do that too
in prayer
purifying intentions All the TIME
and concentration on Allah
and not on the illusion of this life
wannabeharamoobobi:
hmm maybe i didnt explain myself
me:or ego
wannabeharamoobobi:
if you look at the islamic rituals, its all a matter of efacement and sacrifice, and that emptiness that is left is filled with a higher level of holiness so to speak
whereas in other systems like buddhism, its more like trying to enhance and develop your “powers”, like chi
in other words, our concentration is directed at effacing ourselves in front of Allah’s glory
both of us conentrate
but in different ways for different reasons
2:06amme:
well all power is from Allah
I say Muslims go to teh source
2:07amwannabeharamoobobi:
so at least what i think so far, is that the reason we need religion is to not be complacent with a basic simple level of morality that any human can attain
but rather we’re asked in religion to aim for higher loftier levels
2:07amme:
life is about striving to reach prefection
in any form
the seed to teh tree
and a struggle is born
perhaps because Allah is perfection
2:09amwannabeharamoobobi:
so an athiest cud say “well i am moral too, so what??” but islam will say, your morality cant be static, you as a human have much more potential to realize
so its good u can help ladies cross the street
but why stop there?
2:09amme:
“He who does not look upon things with the eye of insight is lost and to be blamed.”
–Sayyid Jamal ad-Din
2:10amwannabeharamoobobi:
well aside from the whole question “does God exist”, what do you think of the other more humanly relevant “does the soul exist, and how are you sure it does?”
2:11amme:
Some don’t believe in it, yes, but an energy
or aura
the soul in Islam is a matter we’re aren’t told of
it’s with Allah
but in heartbreak
love
joy
2:12amwannabeharamoobobi:
like why shud i believe that dreams are significant and not think that it is brain cells firing off
2:12amme:
our hearts FEEL
why?
well, if you believe everything happened by accident
i can’t help you there or anywhere
if you believe in no reason
your beyond reason
2:14amwannabeharamoobobi:
“if you cant defend the tenets of your faith rationally, then why shud anyone take your faith seriously?”
2:14amme:
there are certain truths and absolutes in this world of grey
well the thing about faith is that you don’t know everything
and so some say the more faithful know less
but I believe in moderation
and a mix of both
2:16amwannabeharamoobobi:
why do you - ilana isa alazzeh - believe the soul exists?
2:16amme:
becuase knowledge and intelect and strenght the faith too
becuase we ae the soul
our soul is imperfect
like teh moon
2:17amwannabeharamoobobi:
how is the moon (or soul) imperfect?
2:17amme:
scared and imperfected
impatience
selfish
2:17amwannabeharamoobobi:
what does it mean “we are the soul”?
2:17amme:
a baby
personally i believe we takes parts of teh moon (soul)
with different scars
2:18amwannabeharamoobobi:
all i see is a body, and if you are talking about feelings and so on, i can inject you with physostigmine and make you “feel” fear
2:18amme:
and therefore God gives different lives perfect only for us
2:18amwannabeharamoobobi:
sorry i didnt get that last sentence
2:19amme:
so we can reach our potential
(I finished up)
2:20amwannabeharamoobobi:
i dont know if u gave a convincing reason why to believe in the soul’s existence,
instead of explaining some aspects of the soul
2:21amme:
well you don’t believe there is an essence?
your physical state is aboslute
even though it changes?
2:21amwannabeharamoobobi:
(me:, i do believe in the soul, im just playing the other side)
2:22amme:
and you might feel ugly but be beautiful physically?
(I know)
( i am asking the athest in you)
2:22amwannabeharamoobobi:
well ok, yes of course our physical bodies change
and our “consciousness” stays the same in our life
but why cant i say that its the environment that forms my conscious, or even how to explain psychos with multiple personalities?
2:23amme:
what is that intact goodness?
to do good and feel good?
2:23amwannabeharamoobobi:
therefore even consciousness isnt permanent and fixed
2:23amme:
intant*
inate*
2:24amwannabeharamoobobi:
if my parents raised me to be racist, then my “inate” goodness would be that i hate other races
i wud see racism as good
2:25amme:
but would you ever feel a gulit?
2:25amwannabeharamoobobi:
i could, but why does that prove the soul is there?
2:25amme:
do something and feel it bad even though everyone says it is fine
it’s something within you heaven sent
to feel inate good or guilt
2:26amwannabeharamoobobi:
you just added a whole other variable to the mix
2:27amme:
what if it the variable?
2:27amwannabeharamoobobi:
now i have to believe in heaven, and then believe that it sends me stuff, before i can begin to believe in a soul
2:27amme:
ahhaha Wallah I would love to go on
but I HAVE to sleep
HAVEEEEE
2:27amwannabeharamoobobi:
:)
sure
thanks for the talk
2:28amme:
inshAllah you’ll find your soul answer
sorry I couldn’t help
2:28amwannabeharamoobobi:
haha, my question wasnt even that
2:28amme:
can I use tehconvo for the blog?
2:28amwannabeharamoobobi:
yes u can
do u really want to know my true question btw?
2:29amme:
only if you wanted
Allah then you would know best
2:30amwannabeharamoobobi:
actually my true question im trying to answer is this
2:31amwannabeharamoobobi:
how is it that a human soul - in all its weakness- is able to mount a full defensive against the influence of the word “la ilaha illa allah” when that word is powerful enuf to create and destroy the whole universe; when it has all that power, why cant it overcome any kind of defense that humans put up?
like Allah says the Qur’an would shake the earth and crumble the mountains and cuase the dead to speak
so with all that power, why no effect on the human?
2:32amme:
becuase Allah said so
His mercy
2:32amwannabeharamoobobi:
thats actually my real question now, not whether the soul exists or if religion is needed
2:32amme:Rahma, Patience we have free will for now becuase we choose it
2:33amwannabeharamoobobi: Ilana, even muslims those who already believe in qur’an and so on yet no (or little) effect on us ya’ni our door to it shud be wide open one time Sayyidina ‘Isa pronounced Allah’s name on a pagan temple, and it crumbled away the Sahabi Ibn Masud said, that if you read the last 4 verses of surat Mu’minun, you can move mountains and cure the insaneanyway u need to sleep just wanted to share that with u
2:36amme:Jazakullahkhair i think I have about 2 and then one more hour to sleep
2:37amwannabeharamoobobi:sorry for keeping u
2:37amme:or you I don’t nah, it’s fine–it’s a choice I would choose a convesation ove sleep anyday
2:38amwannabeharamoobobi::) sweet dreams for your soul wa alf salam
me:as well as for you salaam

There I stood before a trap door
Goodwill’s flame aglow
Trusting, strong and unaware you were keeping score
Then someone anew made me aware
Of the darkening mist and betrayal’s twist
Grey encompassed my vision
And a weightless accompanied my fall
Someone I held close—I thought we saw eye to eye
Questioned me the most
And right after I tried to be a gracious host
He pushed me forward and down the pit of insecurities
I fell down the trap, sad, anger
A moment of feeling all too real
Confusion overtook me
How dare he!
Planning to distance myself
He lost a friendship with me!
Distain and lack of humor I will show
He pushed me here
Let him feel my lack of glow which he mocked
I walk on my own two feet
Let him desire my smile and friendship—a treat!
So now I look up the trap door
Blinking back tears and reflect a bit more
Realizing it’s all a reaction of a heart deeply sore
And what I truly want to do is cry
Not even concerned with “why”
Control—I must quell my heart
Praying to Allah is my start and drive
As I climb up the cave remembering to be thankful of the blessing of being alive
Another stone, a hurled to help me up
Following Sunnah
So I empower and actualize it within myself
Give true vengeance: to be guarded and kindest to enemies
Thus giving the world remedies’
Heart expands, hurt now turned into flame aglow
I climbed out the trap
And Alhumdullah came up with this rap

me: I was thinking about it
and beauty does hurt
kaz: how so
me: virtue
patience
modesty
kaz: how do those hurt
me: Because this is beauty that can only be encaptured by the heart. The majority of people can see with their eyes, hear wih their ears and smell with their noses. But Allah swt only hand-picks a few of His slaves to envision and perceive through their hearts.
\kaz: beauty is in everyone
anyone can perceive and envision it
this is what surah rahman commands us to do
to recognize and appreciate and internalize His favors
me: which includes hardship and pain
kaz: but ultimately
you come to appreciate the beauty
and realize
you were only harming yourself all along
me: love is given to us by Allah
you agree?
kaz: of course
me: does it not hurt?
are there not trails to faith?
kaz: of course love hurts
but there is beauty in that hurt
me: is love not beauty?
kaz: that causes you to reflect
and ultimately embrace it as it is
the true believer is never grieved
me: no
kaz: because they know the instant they are tested with hardship
they are gaining reward for it
and it is a sign of God’s love
me: the best fiath is one that has been doubted
kaz: that they are being tested
me: questioned
and succeeds dispite it all
there is a reason why we can’t “see” Allah
in the shallowist of senses
kaz: sure
for me I have the greatest ownership of my faith
me: beauty hurts
kaz: and I felt I finally “converted”
me: my point is made
kaz: when I learned to question it
to no end
I don’t see how that says
“beauty hurts”
at all
because perhaps beauty does hurt
but it does not harm
because from that hurt comes remembrance of Him and a cleansed heart
hence
more beauty
beauty begets beauty
and God is a lover of that
me: but in a perverse heart beauty may harm. may that’s why some are always in hell. anyways to deny that beauty doesn’t hurt is to deny a key step in a process in beauty degeting beauty
and beauty can harm
beauty of women is a prime example
kaz: a step… exactly
but not the outcome
me: we’re on the net are we not?
sometimes an outcome
sometimes not
kaz: then that’s the heart’s fault for not recognizing
anyway
you’re making a case
not against my words
but the words of the Prophet
so I will go with the assumption that his contention is ultimately true
and I enjoy finding all the ways
of putting meaning behind his words
me: it is the fault of the heartthat why i am assuming there is hell
umm? i suggest you quote the hadith then
with Arabic for the purpose of this discussion
and haqq saying I am making a case against the Prophet(s) sounds awfully pretentious
self rightious much?
kaz: uh
all I’m saying
is that I directly quoted the prophet
and you’re directly saying it’s incorrect…
no pretentiousness homie
the way I work
I accept the truth of his words
and then use my own reflection and inquisition to attach my own meaning to them
and discussing this with you
has been an excellent way of doing that
me: one sec
sorry I am a little busy
me: ok kaz
send me the hadith
with the soucre and all
or as much as you know
and I’ll get back to thee
inshAllah
kaz: ok…
I’m not really interested in getting into a debate over the validity of the hadith
here it is in full
me: not validity
perhaps
but meaning
arabic is a maze

read what you want into it…

“Women are not created weaker but more generous than men. They’re created more beautiful and less fierce, as beauty hates to hurt and harm others. That’s why they seem weak to people, but they’re not. Angels are the strongest created beings, and women are closer to the angelic nature than men, as they’re readier than men to carry angelic light. It’s the good manners and ethics of spirituality which they carry that makes them less forceful than men.They undergo great upheavals in their body without flinching for the sake of childbirth, and face the direst physical conditions more successfully than men because God has enabled them to ensure the survival of generations.”

~ prophet (later I found out that: [quoted from a friend] ” as for the relevant statement, like i knew it isnt really a hadith, and actually now that i read the whole post, i recognize exactly where it came from. this is all only a part of the Isra/Mi’raj literature quoted by Shaykh Nazim Haqqani of the Naqshbandi Sufi Tariqa, and this section quoted is a part of his speech which he gave a long time ago about that, which was later written down and published online
however a disclaimer:
the “mistake” is on the one who read these words of Shaykh Nazim, and assumed he was quoting a hadith, and then when he came to copying it said, “this is a hadith from the Prophet’s own description of what he saw in the Mi’raj”, and Shaykh Nazim never meant it to be taken as a hadith as such.
rather, Shaykh Nazim was speaking of his own vision and knowledge that he gained about some of the things the Prophet (alayhi salat wa salam) went thru during the Mi’raj; therefore, since Shaykh Nazim didnt attribute these words to the Prophet, then whoever wrote you in the conversation you posted shouldnt quote that as his words (alayhi salat wa salam), but realize that this is all from Kashf (spiritual vision) of Shaykh Nazim Haqqani.”) on with the conversation

me: umm perhaps then it would be best to say each side can be part of the reaction to beauty
but the thing is beauty is not an emotion…it can inspire them–but it isn’t a feeling–whereas love is..so love does have a counterpoint, whether that’s pain or hatred, etc.
kaz: yeah I’d abide to that

i need sajood.

Let’s talk about how much I hate myself

HATEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

HATEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
HAHAHAHAHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEEEEE myself

there. I want to cry back it’s within me.

BLAHHAHHAHHAHHA
bblllaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
breath
bismillah breath

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

*insert bad word* ASTAGHFIRULLAH

there

I hate myself

hate

HATE

me: (12:05:57 AM):sometimes when I am in pain I go into the rain and I make sure no one is looking and I just stand and let it wash over me and pray
someone: (12:06:40 AM):Ilana. when I’m in pain I just remember that God said He’ll never burden any soul with something it doesnt have the strength to bear and then the pain kinda loses its edge
me: (12:08:28 AM):mashAllah
someone: (12:09:07 AM):its possible that its different for me b/c I’m a guy
me: (12:09:46 AM):you are such a sexist–it’s the same
someone: (12:12:12 AM):lol i eas referring to the differences in thought processes in women and men and there are very clear differences
me: (12:13:06 AM):it’s cynical vs optimism it’s faith vs no faith it’s character and perception and the chemical of a males vs female I think have littel to do with it
someone: (12:14:05 AM):i was referring to emotions-driven female thought processes vs. logic-driven male thought processes
me: (12:14:45 AM):the difference is that you don’t trust your emotions
someone: (12:14:48 AM):for a woman in emotional pain, its harder for her to forget about it or overlook it than it is for a man [on average]
me: (12:14:52 AM):it’s all logic with you
someone: (12:15:03 AM):i’d rather trust logic than emotion
me: (12:15:29 AM):I’d trust balance dear
someone: (12:18:01 AM):logic is balance its not like logic and emotion are the equal and opposite ends of a scale, and you’re trying to stay in the middle
me: (12:20:53 AM):yes, in the nature world they would have some elements occurring of the opposite therein but would you not agree logic in it’s purest form is devoid of emotion meaning if justice is emotionless then there would be no retribution
someone: (12:21:47 AM):emotion, if not held in check by logic, misleads people
retribution?
me: (12:22:20 AM):and logic if not held in check by emotion misleds people
someone: (12:22:20 AM):how do you figure that? how does logic mislead people? me an example
me: (12:23:19 AM):okay, let’s kill all the people with genetic diseases so they don’t pass it on to the next generation or dispositism
someone: (12:23:44 AM):that has nothing to do with logic lol
me: (12:24:04 AM):oh? self-preservation of the human race isnt’ logic? of the future? wanting the best off-spring isn’t logic?
someone: (12:24:49 AM):in the context of human life, you have two logical choices in that scenario, and its far more logical to let someone with a genetic disease live in order to try and find a cure yeah but people with genetic diseases do not pose a mortal threat to the human race so you can’t argue the grounds of self-preservation
me: (12:25:31 AM):they might to you or your future off-spring so why not do away with them
someone: (12:25:49 AM):-yes that’s a faint possibility
me: (12:25:52 AM):wasting food and energy anyways
someone: (12:26:03 AM):and that possibility does not justify eliminating such people energy is constant food is replenishable if on the other hand it was some rapidly spreading contagious disease then logically, that justifies quarantine
me: (12:27:13 AM):or killing
someone: (12:27:17 AM):and even in such a dire scenario, killing them wouldn’t be justified
me: (12:27:35 AM):justifed?
someone: (12:27:38 AM):unless they pose a mortal threat, a clear and present danger to the majority
me: (12:27:41 AM):interesting word wrapped in emotion
someone: (12:27:53 AM):no
me: (12:27:58 AM):oh yes
someone: (12:28:01 AM):i meant logical, rational justification
me: (12:28:26 AM):and you sound like disopition right now
someone: (12:28:39 AM):lol
me: (12:30:22 AM):I am serious why are you laughing?
someone: (12:30:57 AM):because I don’t know what “disopition” means.
me: (12:32:06 AM):I meant Despocrary
someone: (12:32:24 AM):i don’t know what that means either
me: (12:32:51 AM):despotism
someone: (12:33:05 AM):oh, I see.
me: (12:33:16 AM):from democracy to despotism your dealing with grey not black or white in which I was dealing with. Your dealing with emotion ridden words like justice which is fueled buy a desire sometimes vengeance–revenge is apart of it but nature cutting another’s hand when they have cut off your own how does that initially serve? now if we were purely logical and could see the future we would choose a mode of action or judgment
someone: (12:37:15 AM):but we cant see the future
me: (12:37:22 AM):that would do the least harm I am talking about pure logic don’t loose the point.

A question I was facing on my internship app
Media is a powerful medium. Plato describes the elements of media such as images and music best in the Republic when he uses it to influence the masses and suppress individualism to create a peaceful and stable society.
Plato is political theory and this is reality; yes, media can be used to create a peace and stability but in the most everlasting way. The only way is entrusting humanity through education and empowerment since by default and the nature of our existence, we already have the trust and power.
So through artificial and super-supplementary means media can elevate communication of the human experience and introduce a greater comprehension. Introducing a narrative, not to be argued over (unlike dogma) but to be considered and to enlighten and widen the horizon of human understanding.

Life is flowing with the clouds ease and stars above, a glimmering delight sun on twilights glosummer of grey misty sight of confusion. Perchance these zeal and oppertunites is just an illusion? I see the losers fail, struggling so hard, hungry and weights in eyes the window to the soul, pangs of hunger just wanting to live without fear–homelessness cometh near and yet the esteem and high regard is here. No one knows, and dependents hugs so soft. Doing thikir to fight the mess of doubt, depression, and yet somehow fighting for expression

books that make me cry at night
creating a catharsis
challenging what I thought was right
killing off my narcissus
taking my sight and making it bright
Leaving me with true light