Born Confused

Me: isn’t life werid
hahah
1:13 AM blah: its beautiful
me: i am in front of a computer screeen
typing
typing
LOOOLLz
for llike 2 hours
talking to a stranger, who isn’t totally a stranger
in another place
who is typing
blah: yup
me: typing
typing
1:14 AM blah: well, you’re having a conversation
me: also in front of a computer screen
haha
i suppose
but think about it
seeems ridiclious
blah: uhh
……….thinkng
…………………………..thinking
me: doesn’t it from a certain point of view?
blah: ……..thinking
1:15 AM …………………………………..thinking
………….thinking
………….thinking
………..thinking
……. SPLAT
me: hahhaa
no?
blah: doesnt seem ridiculous, no
me: you can’t image someone thinking
what the hell?
blah: you can converse F2F, on the phone, on IM, via video, etc
me: is he does in front a screen
1:16 AM yeah yeah
i understand
blah: does what in front of a screen? communicate with the other person? oo wow
me: but the wieght of words
simple words
to carry a convo consisting of nothing else
1:17 AM blah: just words
me: just words
blah: well you can describe your voice tone or body language
dances in his chair
me: and vague intuitiveness
blah: waves his arms
me: heehee
blah: gives a thumbs up
smiles
etc
whatever
me: but this same feeling over came me
1:18 AM i went in sajood
and i could image an athesis
blah: ic
me: thinking “what the hell?
bowing up and down so many times?
a fanatic?”
blah: heh
me: “ for what?”
blah: to a higher beaing
me: and i thought this to myself
1:19 AM and i great joy went through me
blah: masha’allah alayk
me: that it was so personal
secert
beautiful
blah: still feeling all joyie right now?
me: looked crazy
blah: were you smiling from ear to ear like crazy?
1:20 AM me: but just joy shot threw me
yeah i laughed
blah: alhamdulillaah :-)
me: in prayer
loollz
blah: in sujoud or in actual salah?
me: continue threw the whole thing
started in sajood
1:21 AM blah: k
me: a holy man advised i do more dhikir so it’s not so random
and it happens more often
1:22 AM
blah: istaghfar might be better
me: i think he looked down on me…
istaghfar?
blah: there’s a famous saying: “a dirty garment is more in need of cleaning than of perfume”
in this example
the dirty garment is one’s soul
cleaning is istaghfar
1:23 AM perfume is dhikr
…
yea Ilana, istaghfar … like, when you ask for forgiveness
thats not dhikr, thats istaghfaar
like when we say [sincerely] “astaghfirallah”
me: like asghfulllah in dhikir
1:24 AM blah: or the whole phrase “astaghfirallahi min kulli dhanbieu wa atooboo ilayh”
people sometimes refer to dhikr with astaghfar, but there is a difference
dhikr is rememebring and praising Allah
1:25 AM istaghfar is remembering Allaah and asking Him for forgiveness for all the big and small mistakes we make throughout each day
hence the saying … “a dirty garment is more in need of cleaning than of perfume”
me: and by doing this, i will have more joy in my prayer?
1:26 AM be more move?
moved*
blah: what Muslims really need in their prayers is khushoo
khushoo = sincerity
that brings the sweetness of eeman inside, and joy
1:27 AM me: yeah i think i expirence a type of khushoo
expirenced*
what do you think?
blah: what do I think about …… what you experienced?
1:28 AM me: you know what,
guess
blah: I think you experienced a type of joy, yes
1:29 AM me: if anything i’ll teach you intuitiveness
blah: inshallah
me: lol
ameen
blah: ameen
i can always learn from you
so feel free to teach
me: hahah

i still stay strong in face of so many wrongs; but am i mistaken, taken by seductions song and assume, feeling used, no longer confused, standing back but slightly amused by your hypocritical views and point it out? in kindness, not in shout, for there is a valued bindness or should i stay silent, as my heart becomes violent, and yet solid and firm, as i see your potential not to hurt an-other. my action displaced? for i am not your mother, a lack of taste? i wonder if you understand my case. or was this flow a waste?

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