Born Confused

Done with undergrad tests and classes. Surrounded by birds singing, the surreal taste of goodbyes and the incredible beauty soon passes

so many adventures, stories, souls encountered

i feel as if my heart may burst

Bismillah.

Bismillah … ISNA-ing
When I personally look at the issue of self betterment I see two aspects which are interwoven and interdependent on each other and one cannot be fulfilled without the other: one being the personal relationship with Allah and the relationship with my community and Ummah.
Ramadan is our chance to build community. To build bonds. We should take advantage of this time and try to connect to each person individually and build the bonds of love and friendship until we love each other for the sake of Allah (swt) inshAllah. That’s what leadership is. Loving and caring for each other is leadership.
Last year’s Ramadan, at school, I met a woman named Emily. The year before she had studied abroad in Senegal and to this day is overwhelmed and madly in love with the country and the people she met there. During Ramadan she was so excited and was almost moved to tears as she said, “I love fasting. It’s something that connects me with my family in Senegal. I know they are all fasting and we are all fasting at the same time.” This simple statement was so grounding and made me realize that perhaps I wasn’t really milking Ramadan for all it’s worth by simply focusing on myself.
You see, too often—myself included—people are obsess=ed with worship and their own relationship with Allah—it’s all about me me me– essentially we are being selfish and self-absorbed. As Muslims moderation is the key and the way of the Prophet peace be upon him. As human beings we’re naturally social beings. As Muslims we’re discouraged from being hermits. What we forget is that striving for self-improveme vnt is synonymous with striving for altruism. As Albert Einstein once said so eloquently, “One finally starts living when one is able to live for something other than himself.”
And as the our beloved Prophet peace be upon him said in a hadith narrated by Abu Hurarirah and collected by Saheeh Al-Bukhari and Saheeh Muslim: “There are seven whom Allah will shade in His Shade on the Day when there is no shade except His Shade: A Just Ruler, a youth who grew up in the worship of Allah, the Mighty and majestic; a man whose heart is attached to the mosques, two men who love each other for Allah’s sake, meeting for that and parting upon that; a man who is called by a woman of beauty and position but says “I fear Allah”; a man who gives in charity and hides it, such that his left hand does not know what his right hand gives in charity, and a man who remembered Allah in private and so his eyes shed tears.”
If we look at the seven people in Allah SWT’s shade it is obvious community and the way we deal with people is interconnected with the state of our Iman and relationship with Allah SWT. It’s not excuseively one or the other. If we reflect on this hadith today we see it reflects in strong contrast to the condition of our community. For example when we look at the characteristics of the person whose heart is attached to the mosque, most people focus on this is evidence as someone’s closeness to Allah—Forgetting that the masjid is the center of the Muslim community and community activates. and such an individual, since they love the masjid and being often near to it, thus forth prays in congregation and starts to love and have their heart connected to other Muslims who also love the masjid—and in this way they love and are connected to the community.
We need to reach for that state of Imam where we no longer have to conciosly have to remind ourselves of the reward of reading Qur’an but instead we feel incomplete without it and yearn to read it.
And one should not degrade the importance of the relationship to one’s community in comparsion to the personal relationship with Allah (swt) for one can beget another. Like my friend Emily, being with a Muslim family in a Muslim country spurred her love of Islam and Allah. When we go to our masjids, we should be aware of this. You never know how you will affect someone’s personal love of Islam and the love of Allah. How many times have we heard of stories of people, Muslim or not, coming to the masjid and being reprimanded “haram this haram that, your scarf or your shorts are haramoobobi” and after that encounter they never come back again?
Community, our Ummah does impact our iman, our faith and our relationship with Allah. How many times have we heard “Those who are grateful to people are grateful to Allah” and the famious hadith that the ummah is like a body, if one part is afflicted, we all suffer.
Today we often forget that the companions would weep when they were chosen for a position of leadership. Because they feared the added responsibility. Today we often forget that our duty as leaders is service to our community and not as a noche in our belt or one more line to add to our resume. We are here to prefect ourselves and learn the most precious lesson in life: selflessness. Let’s start this Ramadan being true leaders!
Ramadan, 30 days of togetherness—just enough time to build habits to strengthen your deen—and don’t forget!—strengthening the people around you too, with your kindness, mercy, love and gentleness. You’ll find it becomes second nature. Your heart will grow soft, understanding, wise and forgiving. “Understand all; forgive all,” says Buddah.
Do that and your relationship with Allah swt whose greatest name is Al-Rahman, The Mericiful, which is the only Name He chooses to use interchangeably will Allah, will flourish, inshAllah.
Jazakullahkhair

wannabeharamoobobi:ok whats ur thoughts on athiesm?
me:The world is need of more piety and less self righteousness…[whether religious or otherwise]
wannabeharamoobobi:or let me ask in another way a number of athiests say, “why do i need religion to be a moral human being, i can be moral enuf w/o religion”
or something similar, what are your reactions to that? is that indeed possible?
me:i disrespect them for being blind in the heart; and I approve of their intellect and not taking things because of the status quo
in my volunteer work I see atheists good people striving to be altruistic I admire that
however, it is the human nature to love good it is their fitrah that causes one to feel good after doing good so it’s natural to be good but they do it for themselves so they miss out on the lesson of life
wannabeharamoobobi:so then how would one understand what Allah means when He talks about the fitra of some people being “erased”? or “smashed”
me:people who love and enjoy the bad and hate the good and don’t even realize they are doing bad like even the people of Lut knew they were doing bad’ you want to make us pure? get out of here’
wannabeharamoobobi:uhuh
me:and the sadists, the murders of today that they enjoy harm and get a kick out of it this perversity is the fitrah destroyed
wannabeharamoobobi: so how wud u explain all of that to an atheist and respond to that claim, that religion isnt needed to keep morality? what is it about religion that preserves the fitra?
me: According to english www.google.com/search?q=define%3A+moral&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a they would be moral. morality isn’t necessarily linked to religion the very basic level
wannabeharamoobobi:thats true
me:but intention is the blossom of the fruit
wannabeharamoobobi:but what is it about religion that “maintains” or “perfects” morality?? i mean maintains and perfects Fitra?
me: intention, and the lesson of life: selflessness, resigning to Allah
wannabeharamoobobi:and if you dont think there’s any Allah?
me:then your morality is shallow
wannabeharamoobobi:ok, why shallow? according to what?
me:not true morality
wannabeharamoobobi:the athiest wud say truth is relative
me:like everyone is a slave of Allah
wannabeharamoobobi:only according to you
me:well in relativism
wannabeharamoobobi:because i can just as well of my own accord to all the “moral” things, like give charity, help a lady cross the street, not lie/cheat, etc
me:the only absolute is that there is no absolution and therefore defeats itselfand therefore relativism is not true
wannabeharamoobobi:well then some people think its moral to support gays and some say its immoral so who’s line do i take? why shud i listen to an outdated book authored by who-knows from the stone age?
me:you realize that kaffir is worse then being gay and everyone has desired someone that wasn’t halal for them but we still talk to kaffirs
wannabeharamoobobi:go on…
me:and we inshAllah don’t act on our wishes and restrain from the major sins inshAllah and a sign of the believer is when they do wrong and feel bad it’s a combination of Love, Hope and Fear with Allah swt why do you ask?
wannabeharamoobobi:
to be honest i’ve been observing alot of whats going on with people, and it seems athiesm is growing alarmingly, and even one could say anti-thiesm, meaning outright disdain of anything “divine” actually im thinking of writing a book about a muslim’s response to athiesm’s questions
me:
well, they belong in the interfaith community too
it’s their choice
wannabeharamoobobi:
so im playing devils’ advocate with you and seeing what you think
me:
and some of them become Muslim
wannabeharamoobobi:
thats all true of course
let me ask you
why do you think Allah exists?
i’ve been trying to put myself in their shoes
following their line of reasoning
why worship someone you dont know?
and those who “know Allah thru spirit”, is there a way to determine what is genuine in that and what is delusion?
wannabeharamoobobi:
why is it that in Islam,
me:
Allah is beyond “existence” and simply never has a begining or an ending, God tells us of Himself what He pleases–and if the sun is too bright to see–how can we stand to see God. And like our preception of the sun “setting” (but not really) Allah tells His characteristics not essence
wannabeharamoobobi:
humans are asked to make sacrifices to perfect themselves, instead of going the direct route like in Buddhism, and enhancing themselves and building their powers?
me:
how do we have the concept –even the word of perfect?
infinite?
we know them in theory–but do we KNOW them?
these are God-given voc—sorry restate your question
wannabeharamoobobi:
the last one? well do u know a little about Buddhism?
they believe in basically enhancing the human abilities, like for example working on your concentration
until you reach a super level of concentration
me:
well we do that too
in prayer
purifying intentions All the TIME
and concentration on Allah
and not on the illusion of this life
wannabeharamoobobi:
hmm maybe i didnt explain myself
me:or ego
wannabeharamoobobi:
if you look at the islamic rituals, its all a matter of efacement and sacrifice, and that emptiness that is left is filled with a higher level of holiness so to speak
whereas in other systems like buddhism, its more like trying to enhance and develop your “powers”, like chi
in other words, our concentration is directed at effacing ourselves in front of Allah’s glory
both of us conentrate
but in different ways for different reasons
2:06amme:
well all power is from Allah
I say Muslims go to teh source
2:07amwannabeharamoobobi:
so at least what i think so far, is that the reason we need religion is to not be complacent with a basic simple level of morality that any human can attain
but rather we’re asked in religion to aim for higher loftier levels
2:07amme:
life is about striving to reach prefection
in any form
the seed to teh tree
and a struggle is born
perhaps because Allah is perfection
2:09amwannabeharamoobobi:
so an athiest cud say “well i am moral too, so what??” but islam will say, your morality cant be static, you as a human have much more potential to realize
so its good u can help ladies cross the street
but why stop there?
2:09amme:
“He who does not look upon things with the eye of insight is lost and to be blamed.”
–Sayyid Jamal ad-Din
2:10amwannabeharamoobobi:
well aside from the whole question “does God exist”, what do you think of the other more humanly relevant “does the soul exist, and how are you sure it does?”
2:11amme:
Some don’t believe in it, yes, but an energy
or aura
the soul in Islam is a matter we’re aren’t told of
it’s with Allah
but in heartbreak
love
joy
2:12amwannabeharamoobobi:
like why shud i believe that dreams are significant and not think that it is brain cells firing off
2:12amme:
our hearts FEEL
why?
well, if you believe everything happened by accident
i can’t help you there or anywhere
if you believe in no reason
your beyond reason
2:14amwannabeharamoobobi:
“if you cant defend the tenets of your faith rationally, then why shud anyone take your faith seriously?”
2:14amme:
there are certain truths and absolutes in this world of grey
well the thing about faith is that you don’t know everything
and so some say the more faithful know less
but I believe in moderation
and a mix of both
2:16amwannabeharamoobobi:
why do you – ilana isa alazzeh – believe the soul exists?
2:16amme:
becuase knowledge and intelect and strenght the faith too
becuase we ae the soul
our soul is imperfect
like teh moon
2:17amwannabeharamoobobi:
how is the moon (or soul) imperfect?
2:17amme:
scared and imperfected
impatience
selfish
2:17amwannabeharamoobobi:
what does it mean “we are the soul”?
2:17amme:
a baby
personally i believe we takes parts of teh moon (soul)
with different scars
2:18amwannabeharamoobobi:
all i see is a body, and if you are talking about feelings and so on, i can inject you with physostigmine and make you “feel” fear
2:18amme:
and therefore God gives different lives perfect only for us
2:18amwannabeharamoobobi:
sorry i didnt get that last sentence
2:19amme:
so we can reach our potential
(I finished up)
2:20amwannabeharamoobobi:
i dont know if u gave a convincing reason why to believe in the soul’s existence,
instead of explaining some aspects of the soul
2:21amme:
well you don’t believe there is an essence?
your physical state is aboslute
even though it changes?
2:21amwannabeharamoobobi:
(me:, i do believe in the soul, im just playing the other side)
2:22amme:
and you might feel ugly but be beautiful physically?
(I know)
( i am asking the athest in you)
2:22amwannabeharamoobobi:
well ok, yes of course our physical bodies change
and our “consciousness” stays the same in our life
but why cant i say that its the environment that forms my conscious, or even how to explain psychos with multiple personalities?
2:23amme:
what is that intact goodness?
to do good and feel good?
2:23amwannabeharamoobobi:
therefore even consciousness isnt permanent and fixed
2:23amme:
intant*
inate*
2:24amwannabeharamoobobi:
if my parents raised me to be racist, then my “inate” goodness would be that i hate other races
i wud see racism as good
2:25amme:
but would you ever feel a gulit?
2:25amwannabeharamoobobi:
i could, but why does that prove the soul is there?
2:25amme:
do something and feel it bad even though everyone says it is fine
it’s something within you heaven sent
to feel inate good or guilt
2:26amwannabeharamoobobi:
you just added a whole other variable to the mix
2:27amme:
what if it the variable?
2:27amwannabeharamoobobi:
now i have to believe in heaven, and then believe that it sends me stuff, before i can begin to believe in a soul
2:27amme:
ahhaha Wallah I would love to go on
but I HAVE to sleep
HAVEEEEE
2:27amwannabeharamoobobi:

sure
thanks for the talk
2:28amme:
inshAllah you’ll find your soul answer
sorry I couldn’t help
2:28amwannabeharamoobobi:
haha, my question wasnt even that
2:28amme:
can I use tehconvo for the blog?
2:28amwannabeharamoobobi:
yes u can
do u really want to know my true question btw?
2:29amme:
only if you wanted
Allah then you would know best
2:30amwannabeharamoobobi:
actually my true question im trying to answer is this
2:31amwannabeharamoobobi:
how is it that a human soul – in all its weakness- is able to mount a full defensive against the influence of the word “la ilaha illa allah” when that word is powerful enuf to create and destroy the whole universe; when it has all that power, why cant it overcome any kind of defense that humans put up?
like Allah says the Qur’an would shake the earth and crumble the mountains and cuase the dead to speak
so with all that power, why no effect on the human?
2:32amme:
becuase Allah said so
His mercy
2:32amwannabeharamoobobi:
thats actually my real question now, not whether the soul exists or if religion is needed
2:32amme:Rahma, Patience we have free will for now becuase we choose it
2:33amwannabeharamoobobi: Ilana, even muslims those who already believe in qur’an and so on yet no (or little) effect on us ya’ni our door to it shud be wide open one time Sayyidina ‘Isa pronounced Allah’s name on a pagan temple, and it crumbled away the Sahabi Ibn Masud said, that if you read the last 4 verses of surat Mu’minun, you can move mountains and cure the insaneanyway u need to sleep just wanted to share that with u
2:36amme:Jazakullahkhair i think I have about 2 and then one more hour to sleep
2:37amwannabeharamoobobi:sorry for keeping u
2:37amme:or you I don’t nah, it’s fine–it’s a choice I would choose a convesation ove sleep anyday
2:38amwannabeharamoobobi: sweet dreams for your soul wa alf salam
me:as well as for you salaam

“Tears for what I never knew
Of love and how it’s won”
This struck as truth as darkly as the sun, in your song of torment and angst and feelings robust—when we think we are old we are simply young; feeling worn and overcome. It is because we feel so strongly, so forward and then undone—when we feel patience’s lesson we’re stung. So now our laughter is loud, our tears bittersweet proud. Savor deeply this period of pain, God’s magic, inspiration and rain.

I cluck my teeth, my cheeks swell, muscles tense, as this Spanish guitar brings tears from a deep well. Exquisite, stunning and angst comes in a form of a sensual dance as rain pours outside, vivid green strucks the eyes as damp thin clothes—cold, demise—stick to skin reminding of a fragile existence and a shivering state. Dark wet curls. The weightlessness of goosebumps. Venerable and still and yet howl and singing mix like a beautiful hell. Exotic strange and yet Allah gave this capacity—this width of feeling breathe of stir—too much feeling now I fall asleep on floor.

Tis halal, excessive nutella gives me a stomachache but loving the sweet through the love of Allah leaves me wanting more. As I convert primal and instinctual urges into something more to oppress the forbidden inside. A flame dies down as smooth chocolate moves in the cheeks, swirling in a swollen mouth of happiness, ready to burst with a blessed curse.

chocolatebeliever.blogspot.com/

so the knowledge retreat at RIS is awesome mashAllah

(12:27 AM) me: so according to our lectures truth is contextualized
(12:28 AM) me: and God gives us what we can perceive
(12:28 AM) me: i like that a lot
(12:28 AM) pagil: deep
(12:28 AM) me: but umm
(12:28 AM) me: i was arguing and explaining this to someone
(12:29 AM) me: they said that through that reasoning, God gives us partial truth
(12:29 AM) me: and partial truth isn’t truth
(12:29 AM) me: it’s dishonest (therefore God would be dishonest)
(12:30 AM) me: but God isn’t relevant
(12:30 AM) me: arrational, right?
(12:30 AM) pagil: yeah i believe arrational was the word
(12:31 AM) me: yeah, it’s pretentious to make everything relevant when we know so little
(12:31 AM) me: and in relevance, there is no absolute
(12:32 AM) me: which in it self is an absolute
(12:32 AM) me: and therefore beats itself

A wall of mirrors looks at me straight on, i scared to look back–a cowardly con? what will i see–where my soul is, a hole? will i see the life’s toll…a temperamental mistress she is, one moment her tresses caress another moment you stress condemners getting endorsement for thier enstonement unless you do enrollment to their version of enscrollment or send you to entombment. Or the horrid mistake might meet my eye–a tear falls, emboding a cry–a blight which cuts into me like a rake. thus i must confess to atest: humility honing the ability to know we have the capacity thus i remind myself for my sake, that theres a chance to advance and then given a choice to venture from righteous strive becoming evil in midnight’s twilight of gray mistaking it for fighting for enlightments ray. lesson is we must be humble becasue with lifes turns an curves, thunder rumbles, and in selfish shock we often stumble seeing our goodness crumble. tis human nature, thus is true, the question is will you stay by masses rule, or will you look in the mirror your soul a bit tier–and within starkes a lighter and says ‘i’ve no joy higher’. what with i see within me? distasteful spite or a blessing of happiness gift not from persuasion but the right done in the time determined as you run against the sun realizing in the end there was only one–yourself. and only God will tell if you’ve won.

so confused, frustrated, used. just when i think i have got it down. a thought makes me frown and turn around, retracing my steps no less no more; i wonder whats the score. my head thumps my heart a huge mass of feeling, i step back the confusion reeling–stealing my soul my confidence my strength. a constant fight. as i take in perspective and of other judgments and beliefs i seek, it puts my life in their perceptive; and this insight is not because i am weak. i am so confused, but i know i wont lose. perhaps this feeling is like a sad intoxication, an absorbed sensation. first a weakness then turned into a beauty; hoping it won’t fall to usury in the ego which thus leds to abusery. i sign as i reevaluated myself; a fob uncle–too strict? or too laxed–and i need a mental whip? i wouldn’t mind a trip, now i totally understand it, but a vague grasp holds me too strong–is it the archaic right and wrong? but for now the gray wilderness, i confess, envelopes me. with it’s starry glitter night or is it light? or perhaps it’s a shuttering fuse, dizzying with complex beauty. happily giggling to confuse.
born confused.

it’s not about love but strength to help another when your afraid to. so i suppose love in a compassionate sense–but i just wanted to clarify.

head spinning. head sinning? this question in my head and in my heart as i dial numbers too farly spaced apart. now i started, advice was given to me. my leg twitches, my heart stitches and i hold my breath too soon. scared to have a mans heart on my plate, a wound? trust, bust, i clutch the blanket at my breast, hoping my voice will bring on rest–is this a test? And his voice comes out surprised, then low and hoarse sounding vulnerable trying to cover it up, inside, with comfortable slang, with a low flavor–a certain tang. he hangs on to his word certain yet unsure, afraid he doesn’t sound pure. he talks and then is at a lose for words. afraid the air, his trust, the peace might curd i say wisdom that not originally my own. but reconfigured, that in a way i recognized and figured out on my own. there will be no stone, only honesty and no stoning. honing on my past as a form of nostalgia, making use of those years of moan and morn. laced with advice i say there’s no scorn in being torn. there advice he has had a taste, and surprisingly he wants more. so slowly my fingers i tap, afraid that this fragile spell might snap. i look at my clock and think to myself vaguely there’s go the nap, i had wished upon, as the red numbers burn into my eyes like the sun. but then i go back to him the one. my feet slide on the carpet back and forth, reinforcing a fort, as a praise and a injured heartfelt thank you is said. i can only pray you mend, and perhaps i have taken it upon me to tend, a responsibility Allah has lent on a short, pricey rent. any goodness, any advice is heaven sent.
and then i look back to my screen, at it would seem that my peer adviser went up and fled to his stead, without a parting as if there was no starting. and i empty my head and heart of care with a resigned ‘so what?’ which replies with: ‘so there’. retreating back into my lair of homework, sleepless nights, aches until my streaght can be put to balm, applied with a sweet gentle song.
it lags my tongue. there i am done.