Born Confused

Eh: so why do you think the Muslim Ummah declined?
Me: many reasons… one of is the Muslim Ummah having this dual identity crisis that persists in the middle east resulting from colonialism. They want to be “Modern” (the western way) but that has some serious growing pains… islamic growing pains–and I feel that inshAllah they might be moved to find a better way to modernize
inshAllah inshAllah
it’s like when I go downtown DC
and I see this concrete jungle, this separation between nature and human
Eh: right, about it?
Me: why can’t these buildings be a part of the nature and their natural surroundings?
why must the roots be buried under something lifeless–trying to separate us from the true reality–Allah?
Sometimes I image the soil underneath it all teeming with life
there has to be a better way
why can’t our masjids be apart of the outside and the gardens like in Andalusia?
Eh: they can be, its still not too late
Me: I believe in that but HOW?

Where is home–who’s native land? Try to recuperate and hold up to catharsis stand. Iconoclast’s man I have become, bridging two places within one.

talking about someone’s spoken word

Qari: whoa. You really thought I did good? I thought I did a whole bunch of mistakes… I am my own worst critic.

Me: I find that in front of others we are the most critical and when we are with our ownselves we are the least critical.

Qari: very true

My status “They are the heart broken lovers dancing on the glass they broke, their spit in each others mouths hoping to choke.”

PEEP: is that an original composiion
*composition
me: They are the heart broken lovers dancing on the glass they broke, their spit in each others mouths hoping to choke. Needle in the eye, stoke in the heart–only empathy and forgiveness will heal and leave them apart.
err, it’s not empathy is it
PEEP: *stake
me: ?
strook?
PEEP: stake in the heart?
me: i what the word for not caring
want*
instead of empathy
PEEP: apathy
me: apathy
yeah
PEEP: how can you have forgiveness with apathy
you have to care to forgive…
me: becuase not caring is the opposite of love and hate
to forgive is simply to write off
and not to gain anything from it
it’s turely a god-given thing
besides that
stroke?
pain of the heart?
heart attack
did I spell that right?
PEEP: yeah
but you cannot forgive without love
me: which one stake or stroke do you think?
umm, then maybe i should put foget
forget*
PEEP: yeah
it’s much easier to forget than forgive
me: cynical composition isn’t it? I am sure you liked the first one more
PEEP: stake makes more sense
yes
quite cynical
what is this an allusion to
me: it depends if forgiving and/or forgetting heals
more then the other
but I suppose but can heal, si?
both*
PEEP: not really
if you forget without forgiving
you’re not really healing
just burying your feelings and anger
you haven’t eradicated them
me: or it just dies off
you don’t really care
PEEP: but it can be reawakened at any time
and apathy is the death of the spirit
me: unless you go through something where apathy keeps your spirit alive
PEEP: yeah but
it should be a transitional stage at most
me: forgiveness in such cases isn’t tangible
PEEP: yeah but that’s just procrastinating
putting off summoning the courage to forgive
me: but I suppose I am talking in extreme cases–and I don’t feel courage has anything to do with it–somethings are simply unforgiveable
but back to the composition
the lovers
perhaps the orginial was best then
becuase they still feel or then they wouldn’t hate
PEEP: no case is too extreme for forgiveness
yes, hate is the antithesis of apathy
Sent at 1:32 PM on Wednesday
me: go through rape and then come back to me and say that no case is too exterme for forgiveness
and i put apathy in the compostion b/c yes it is the opposite
PEEP: the most beautiful man who ever lived was stoned near to death and humiliated in a way no animal ever was
and had the option of crushing a whole city between mountains
and yet he forgave
Sent at 1:35 PM on Wednesday
me: most women rather die
PEEP: the greater the pain, the greater the reward for finding peace
this does not mean you don’t seek justice
or that the proper punishment is laid down
I think all rapists should be castrated and left to bleed to death
but
with justice must come peace of mind, heart, and soul
and ultimately that only comes with forgiveness
not for the action
but forgiveness with the hope that God will guide them to the light
me: I have no true sentiment that such evil doers find ease ever
could you ever forgive Hitler?
PEEP: Hitler is dead
me: Honestly, could you?
PEEP: and so, no, I cannot forgive him
me: if he was alive
if you were in a camp
PEEP: you’re not seeing what I’m saying
me: I feel you’re being idealist to absurdity
PEEP: then tell me what you think of the prophet’s example
me: I feel it’s different. But because I am not sure why –just yet–I shall yield to you for now and keep the original composition: “they are the heart broken lovers dancing on the glass they broke, their spit in each others mouths hoping to choke. Needle in the eye, stake in the heart–only empathy and forgiveness will heal and leave them apart.”

Trying to get someont to post here

ballinb:lol .. thanks for the link . i hardly get a chance to post on Islamica generally so i dont know if i should post randomness
kind of randomness do u mean?
lol
me:ANYTHING and EVERYTHING
ballinb:but i wouldnt want the world to be able to read anything and everything
i mean anything and everything that comes to my head
me:whatever you feel comfortable yaar
ballinb:hmm anyway have to go take care
me:did you post? :(
ballinb:well .. . i dont feel comfortable posting randomness ..sorry : )
me:not even Qur’an haramoobobi
ballinb:well there is a Quranic Verse thread
me:you can post ANYTHING to your heart’s content mr. uptight one. BE FREEEEEEEEEEEE
ballinb:but then the Verse might get lost in the randomness
me:(and halal)
ballinb:hmm….
me:ok your achward
ballinb:lol ok.. sorry but im not used to posting freely
me:are you use to living freely? thinking freely? feeling freely? expressing yourself freely? (and whilst in a halal manner)
ballinb:oh of course. we have to think freely as muslims but posting randomness, sometimes perhaps ‘nonsense’ in a thread is not necessarily representative of ‘free thought’. im sorry if I sound too uptight or ’strict’ .. but thats just how i feel .. I think there should be a point to everthing.. well atleast not ‘pointless’sorry ..anyway gota go
me:He who does not look upon things with the eye of insight is lost and to be blamed. it’s not nonsense. it seems so to the viewer who does not know the mind of the artist…don’t be so quick to judge
ballinb:well i wasnt referring to particular posts
i mean the thread as a whole..might end up with people posting ‘anything’ like u say, and ‘anything’ might include nonsense although it’s your thread u might not be able to control some of the nonsense others post in it
me:control?
ballinb:lol not control but ppl might post nonsense and u dont want that do u :S
me:“To deny the freedom of the will is to make morality impossible.”–James A. Froude.
ballinb:whatt if ppl r posting good things then that’s great
me:think upon it deeply what is good for you might not be good for others nor will anyone really be on your level of eman
ballinb:hmm…
me:it might be above or below but do not expect the same everyone has thier journey “We believe nothing so frimly as what we least know.”–Michel de Montaigne.
ballinb:that’s true.. but the point is that there is a fine line between ‘just a random post’ and a post which makes no sense in any way and is just wasting forum bandwidth and letting ppl post just ‘random’ stuff about anything just makes it easier to cross that fine line
me:maybe it’s sharing love/happiness who are we to judge?
ballinb:eg. posting random underpants is sharing peace love? Lol i mean there should be a point to something..
me:it’s sharing happiness. I was looking for power rangers that reminder me of defenders remember a smile is charity maybe I made someone smile? Laugh? giggle? inshAllah fillsabillullah maybe they had a hard day
ballinb:ok if that is your intention..
me:Emily Dickinson: If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain. If I can ease one life the aching, Or cool one pain, Or help one fainting robin Unto his nest again, I shall not live in vain.
ballinb:in that case it would have a point.
me:yaar, all madness has a point
ballinb:but it wasnt made clear that way.
me:all pain has a point. everything has a point
ballinb:not necessarily
me:just becuase we don’t see it at first sight doesn’t mean it isn’t there. don’t be so secure in your preceptions of the world and your judgements of purposeful and pragmanic things. there is a virtue to art. to beauty. to humor
ballinb:so the point of the thread is to post random things which have a point, is that right?
me:everyone has a point …randomness is when the outside world doesn’t really understand the point
ballinb:ok…
me:the point you have in your mind and heart. everything is related to us, and basically our expierences, even our thoguht processes do you not agree?
ballinb:well maybe u should make your intentions clear in the opening post of the thread
me:that would be defeating the purpose of undiscovered beauty. of beauty not understood and there is beauty in lets beauty be not distilling it like a an eye or frog seeing out functions and what not
ballinb:ok…well i dont disagree with that, but i dont think everyone has the same approach to ‘randomness’ .. some ppl might have a distasteful intent and post something inappropriate, for example.
me:since you took it from such a serious and pragmatic stand point. i thought to explain it in a more metaphicsal sense…that is their choice and taste…remember: “To deny the freedom of the will is to make morality impossible.”–James A. Froude
ballinb:but what happens if taste goes against ethical / moral / Qur’anic values?
me:and there will always be darkness “There is no light for those who do not know darkness.” - Takuan Souhou. Evil makes good so much more valuable, that’s why we make mistakes and repent2/14/200810:55:01
ballinb:not willingly though2/14/200810:55:01
me:and Allah SWT loves us so for it…and if we didn’t sin Allah SWT would replace us
ballinb:we have to not be passive with such an attitude. i mean towards evil ..
me:In an Islamic governement things are evil
ballinb:yes evil will exist, but we pray that our committing / exposure to evil is minimized
me:and the world is full of self-rightiousness
ballinb:true. ..
me:probably one of the hugest evils out there
ballinb:but. ..evil remains just that, evil. erm..
me:that’s the purpose of this world. it’s a test. it’s not going to be easy. sabr is one of the greatest goods
ballinb:but we can’t give in and say we’re human so we’re going to sin.. lets do it anyway
me:and Allah knows best how much we can take
of course not we try but in the end we will enter heaven only with His mercy. be hard on yourself. not others
ballinb:a sin if repented for must be avoided after repentence. now ur confussing me
me:why?
ballinb:oh nothing. i get it.
me:oh Alhumdullah. look we constantly fall into sin the difference is whether we’ll repent. there’s a story. that there was a boy or man who partied and was free with women more or less. they went to the Prophet (s) and the Prophet asked “does he pray?” they reponded “yes” and the Porphet (s) (parphased–all of this in fact) “then leave him be, his prayer will make his bad deens undiseirable” and inshAllah he’ll drop them becuase of his connection with Allah (swt)
ballinb:we could still advise such a person that what they are doing is not right
me:of course
i agree but we do it in kindness. I feel it is better to befriend a friend for 7 years so that they know you love and care for them and then tell them to pray then to befriend them for 7 secs just meet them and asked them to pray the latter makes them defensful and does more damamge. thus we need sabr and love
ballinb:also they shouldnt be hypocritical, ie. they should be praying themselves before telling others. ur right. we have to advise with wisdom and kindness.. .there is a Verse in the Qur’an which says that too
me:yes inshAllah
may Allah give us the strenght to do so
ballinb:amen : ) ok should go now.. t/care. thanks for ur time
me:sorry I know I rant. wallah you too. Jazakullahkhair for listening and the consideration.

I_like_MSA: astaghfirullah, stop being online
its haram
me: haha
salaam alykum mullah saab
I_like_MSA: valaykum salaam
sub teek tak?
me: how is the rice in your beard today?
yellow yet?
I_like_MSA: bus, allah tallah ne humko bahot he diya
me: oye I thought for a sec you went on a lotta break saab
I_like_MSA: hahaha
i once went to a MYNA camp
and, there was no lota
so we went and bought one
and carried it in on our shoulders
for like…15 guys
there was 1 lota
just thought i should paint that picture for you
me: O_O
I like art
LOLz
I_like_MSA: no need to thank me
me: mashAllah
I_like_MSA: when we were done, we’d just slide it under the stall walls, over to whoever else needed to use it
me: HAHA “muhammad did you bring your mom’s wipes?”
“ya Ahmed–you brought it eh?”
no wonder you tell me to grow up from MYNA to MSA–they probably have bigger lottas
I_like_MSA: much bigger
and cuz MSA is tight
and MYNA is….ok
me: so what if I went to VCU just to bother you?
I_like_MSA: don’t come to VCU, its a crappy school
what school do u go to?
me: Smith College
I_like_MSA: hm, sounds bourgeois
me: haha it is
but upscale rich hippys who don’t care much for men and focus on school work with an intensity unknown to mankind
ya3ni the ones that go to Africa and China and look good without makeup
I_like_MSA: oh
thats cool?
i don’t really wear makeup
me: oh that explains it ;)
I_like_MSA: hahaha
yes,
its all natural
i’m blessed
me: mashAllah–I have no fortune my hair never grew so to cover my bald spot I wore hijab
I_like_MSA: lol
me: why are you laughing
I am serious
I_like_MSA: well, i s’pose that makes haircuts easier
actually
if ur bald
do u even need to wear a hijab?!
me: umm I shall analyze the niqabis uncovered faces more closely and let you know

me: ochay
you fake iraqi
kurddddddddddddddddddish
you look kurdish
you know?
are you?

Pants: I’m 1/4

me: oh your dad?

Pants: he’s 1/2

me: yeah he looks like it
tis the eyeys

Pants: hmm
well I couldn’t tell

me: you reminded of a boy that i once once knew
LOLZ
nah nah
i have some kurdish friends

Pants: ohh

me: and i have seen enough kurds to know thelook
like with afghans it’s the hair
persians, the eyedrows/hair
desis a walk, the the slimness
the skin

Pants: hmm
I have trouble distinguishing races
perhaps because I’m so universalist [smile]

me: or your lack of appericationa

Pants: I scrutinize hearts not faces

me: but races in the faces make an impact on the heart, the eyes the art

Pants: eyes are the gate, the bait, but wait, if you get stuck at the door, you’ll never look no more

me: but it might be the key to get a laughing glee and thus see the heart as the person tells the tale from the start and a new apperication grows–and a deep understanidng and love ensows–sot eh complexcity is a part of the complexion and apart of the city of the heart undeniable part of the percepted in the world we was concepted

so the knowledge retreat at RIS is awesome mashAllah

(12:27 AM) me: so according to our lectures truth is contextualized
(12:28 AM) me: and God gives us what we can perceive
(12:28 AM) me: i like that a lot
(12:28 AM) pagil: deep
(12:28 AM) me: but umm
(12:28 AM) me: i was arguing and explaining this to someone
(12:29 AM) me: they said that through that reasoning, God gives us partial truth
(12:29 AM) me: and partial truth isn’t truth
(12:29 AM) me: it’s dishonest (therefore God would be dishonest)
(12:30 AM) me: but God isn’t relevant
(12:30 AM) me: arrational, right?
(12:30 AM) pagil: yeah i believe arrational was the word
(12:31 AM) me: yeah, it’s pretentious to make everything relevant when we know so little
(12:31 AM) me: and in relevance, there is no absolute
(12:32 AM) me: which in it self is an absolute
(12:32 AM) me: and therefore beats itself

A wall of mirrors looks at me straight on, i scared to look back–a cowardly con? what will i see–where my soul is, a hole? will i see the life’s toll…a temperamental mistress she is, one moment her tresses caress another moment you stress condemners getting endorsement for thier enstonement unless you do enrollment to their version of enscrollment or send you to entombment. Or the horrid mistake might meet my eye–a tear falls, emboding a cry–a blight which cuts into me like a rake. thus i must confess to atest: humility honing the ability to know we have the capacity thus i remind myself for my sake, that theres a chance to advance and then given a choice to venture from righteous strive becoming evil in midnight’s twilight of gray mistaking it for fighting for enlightments ray. lesson is we must be humble becasue with lifes turns an curves, thunder rumbles, and in selfish shock we often stumble seeing our goodness crumble. tis human nature, thus is true, the question is will you stay by masses rule, or will you look in the mirror your soul a bit tier–and within starkes a lighter and says ‘i’ve no joy higher’. what with i see within me? distasteful spite or a blessing of happiness gift not from persuasion but the right done in the time determined as you run against the sun realizing in the end there was only one–yourself. and only God will tell if you’ve won.

so confused, frustrated, used. just when i think i have got it down. a thought makes me frown and turn around, retracing my steps no less no more; i wonder whats the score. my head thumps my heart a huge mass of feeling, i step back the confusion reeling–stealing my soul my confidence my strength. a constant fight. as i take in perspective and of other judgments and beliefs i seek, it puts my life in their perceptive; and this insight is not because i am weak. i am so confused, but i know i wont lose. perhaps this feeling is like a sad intoxication, an absorbed sensation. first a weakness then turned into a beauty; hoping it won’t fall to usury in the ego which thus leds to abusery. i sign as i reevaluated myself; a fob uncle–too strict? or too laxed–and i need a mental whip? i wouldn’t mind a trip, now i totally understand it, but a vague grasp holds me too strong–is it the archaic right and wrong? but for now the gray wilderness, i confess, envelopes me. with it’s starry glitter night or is it light? or perhaps it’s a shuttering fuse, dizzying with complex beauty. happily giggling to confuse.
born confused.

it’s not about love but strength to help another when your afraid to. so i suppose love in a compassionate sense–but i just wanted to clarify.

head spinning. head sinning? this question in my head and in my heart as i dial numbers too farly spaced apart. now i started, advice was given to me. my leg twitches, my heart stitches and i hold my breath too soon. scared to have a mans heart on my plate, a wound? trust, bust, i clutch the blanket at my breast, hoping my voice will bring on rest–is this a test? And his voice comes out surprised, then low and hoarse sounding vulnerable trying to cover it up, inside, with comfortable slang, with a low flavor–a certain tang. he hangs on to his word certain yet unsure, afraid he doesn’t sound pure. he talks and then is at a lose for words. afraid the air, his trust, the peace might curd i say wisdom that not originally my own. but reconfigured, that in a way i recognized and figured out on my own. there will be no stone, only honesty and no stoning. honing on my past as a form of nostalgia, making use of those years of moan and morn. laced with advice i say there’s no scorn in being torn. there advice he has had a taste, and surprisingly he wants more. so slowly my fingers i tap, afraid that this fragile spell might snap. i look at my clock and think to myself vaguely there’s go the nap, i had wished upon, as the red numbers burn into my eyes like the sun. but then i go back to him the one. my feet slide on the carpet back and forth, reinforcing a fort, as a praise and a injured heartfelt thank you is said. i can only pray you mend, and perhaps i have taken it upon me to tend, a responsibility Allah has lent on a short, pricey rent. any goodness, any advice is heaven sent.
and then i look back to my screen, at it would seem that my peer adviser went up and fled to his stead, without a parting as if there was no starting. and i empty my head and heart of care with a resigned ’so what?’ which replies with: ’so there’. retreating back into my lair of homework, sleepless nights, aches until my streaght can be put to balm, applied with a sweet gentle song.
it lags my tongue. there i am done.