Born Confused

my poor mother listening to her crazy-running-around-with-strangers-wild-daughter’s stories whilst 500 miles away.

but maybe the happiness in my voice overwhelms her because instead i thought i sensed a little bit of pride and giggle as she said an all too familiar phase said by friends but never by her:

“you’re crazy.”

agape, i protested, “how am i crazy?! life is meant to be lived.”

“umm… life is meant to be lived…” she chewed on those syllables.

I will miss my youngest sisters attempt to copy me and make wudu.
I’ll miss how they stood next to me in prayer—head on my elbow.
I’ll miss holding my small sisters when they cry and seeing them laugh and squeal as I roar and chase them in the backyard.
I’ll miss listening to my brother’s confessions—just trying to get certain things he was ashamed of off his chest and feeling so honored he choose to tell me.
I’ll miss talking about hope, future and boys in a closet with my sister until the wee hours of the morning and perhaps will miss even the time where she tried to coach me in how to make sexy faces in a mirror—it took 10 minutes of trying not to laugh.
I’ll miss singing and holding my sisters; stroking them and holding them close and once in the dark I can feel one’s eyes widen and her voice full with awe; “Your amazing”.
I’ll miss playfully fighting with brothers, laughing, challenges, boasting and putting them in their place—for the meanwhile.
I’ll miss running in the grass; barefoot, without a hijab—totally wild and free in the dark—as I and the kids made faces at our uncles in the dining room as they sipped chai with Baba.
I’ll miss hugging my biggest brother and then conspiring with the kids to attack and tackle him: yes, we went through with it but we were unsuccessful.
I’ll miss a brother’s sweetness—I’ll miss tickling another until he laughed like a maniac and sitting on him—oh yes, and I’ll miss throwing pillows at all of them.
I’ll miss the wind, I’ll miss the blue sky which was so vivid in contrast to the tall trees.
I’ll miss a sister’s quiet strength; another, her smile; another her recklessness—putting Indiana Jones to shame.
I’ll miss one of the tiniest sisters asking me to put on the hijab.
I’ll miss hearing “I love you” and even “I aann a princess! You ugly” hahaha.
I’ll miss how all my brothers and sisters gathered; asking about deen, fiqh, tasweer—questioning, questioning, questioning…

And yes, I’ll even miss pinching my father’s cheeks, and when I am delighted or I kiss him—seeing his whole face brighten up. Yeah, it’s a sight to behold.

Jazakullahkhair Oh Allah for letting me miss.

salaam

I miss my family. I do. I am in the midst of studying for a test at the last moment and … AWW two children just pasted me in the library. “HELLOoo~!” one said as he past me his smile bright and his eyes twinkling.

My God, when we were young and life was simple… and I use to see unicorns in the sky…

My brothers, they are growing up… it saddens me to think that one day I won’t be able to tackle them, cuddle them and bite their ears (LOLz).

Last night I talked to them through my dinner… a good tactic when your short for time and you really just want to listen. They fought and argued; there was a din of playing video games and imagery ones and all with an under current of love. My heart cooed.

“I miss you, Ilana,” said the biggest brat in the world.

My eyes blinked in fascination.

I miss you too.   

The Prophet (pbuh) said, “Do not wish to be like anyone except in two
cases. (The first is) A person, whom Allah has given wealth and he
spends it righteously; (the second is) the one whom Allah has given
wisdom (the Holy Qur’an) and he acts according to it and teaches it to
others.” (Bukhari 1:3:73)