Born Confused

(inspired by this picture–which wasn’t taken by me)

There’s something within me,
a climax–a moment to lose then share–
heart wants to be exposed laid bare…
but keeping in mind time maxes
curious how you feel the pain in your chest it pulls, turns and twists
and for what? Not even a risk–
for that involves chance—
yet, all we know of the heart is that it is a pump
and yet it is felt a lance
of romance, piercing pain;
back and forth oh heart– what stance?

me (11:21:14 PM): “‘Though it is possible to utter words only with the intention to fulfill the will of God, it is very difficult not to think about the impression which they will produce on men and not to form them accordingly. But deeds you can do quite unknown to men, only for God. And such deeds are the greatest joy that a man can experience.”
-Leo Nilolaevich Tolstoy

me (11:21:25 PM): wallah it’s teh truest thing on earth

me (11:21:38 PM): well not the “truest”

me (11:21:44 PM): but it’s up there

me (11:21:57 PM): you know when you keep it secert

me (11:22:06 PM): and the joy welds in

me (11:22:21 PM): I enjoy if your more ampt to analyze

me (11:22:26 PM): and love it more

me (11:22:37 PM): and gain a deeper a apperication for it

BLAH (11:22:49 PM): uhhh Illana

me (11:22:52 PM): perhaps more wisedom from it too

BLAH (11:22:54 PM): you lost me back there

me (11:23:02 PM): LOLz

me (11:23:07 PM): think not of it

me (11:23:14 PM): I lose many people

BLAH (11:23:43 PM): thats some pretty psychedelic philosophical stuff

me (11:24:05 PM): ?? umm?

me (11:24:21 PM): I don’t mean to guess at things I know least of

me (11:24:27 PM): grey matter you know

me (11:24:42 PM): that benifits no one

me (11:24:45 PM): in the end

me (11:24:55 PM): but you would agree no?

me (11:25:12 PM): or here i lost thee again?

me (11:25:15 PM): have*

BLAH (11:25:14 PM): hahahahaha

BLAH (11:25:16 PM): becharie

me (11:25:53 PM): HAHHA

me (11:25:57 PM): nevermind

BLAH (11:26:20 PM): just speak in plain english

me (11:27:17 PM): but i am dyslexic

me (11:27:22 PM): har har har

BLAH (11:27:45 PM): doesnt matter

me (11:36:19 PM): LOlz

me (11:36:24 PM): perhaps

me (11:36:37 PM): well do you want me to explain?

BLAH (11:37:19 PM): definitely

BLAH (11:38:31 PM): well?

me (11:38:44 PM): my mom called

BLAH (11:38:49 PM): o ok

BLAH (11:38:52 PM): take your time

me (12:06:19 AM): DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
I LOVE MY MOM

me (12:06:23 AM): HHEHEHEH

me (12:06:28 AM): ok ok

me (12:06:31 AM): i’lll chill

me (12:06:33 AM): LOOOOLLLz

me (12:06:36 AM): gosh

me (12:06:37 AM): heehee

me (12:06:39 AM): ok

me (12:06:40 AM): ok

me (12:06:46 AM): where were theeeeeeeee….?

me (12:06:49 AM): ahhhh

me (12:06:54 AM): attempting

me (12:07:01 AM): och’ay yaaaaaaaaaar

me (12:07:12 AM): vat i vas tryiiiiiinnnnnnnnnng

me (12:07:19 AM): to sayyyyyyyyy

me (12:07:24 AM): vas

me (12:07:26 AM): ya3ni

me (12:07:40 AM): when you do something for the sake of Allah

me (12:07:46 AM): just Allah (swt)

me (12:07:54 AM): you keep it secert

me (12:07:59 AM): and I was wondering

BLAH (12:08:03 AM): right

me (12:08:09 AM): like this beautiful gem

me (12:08:25 AM): this sunlight that you have in your chest

BLAH (12:08:39 AM): i have sunlight in my chest? wow cool

me (12:08:44 AM): that this joy for doing something good

me (12:08:47 AM): heehee

me (12:08:55 AM): when you hoan it

me (12:09:14 AM): whenyou hold it close

me (12:09:26 AM): I wonder if you gain knowledge

me (12:09:32 AM): disapline perahps

me (12:09:38 AM): and thus wisedom from it?

me (12:09:44 AM): like a well

me (12:09:52 AM): that grows bigger?

BLAH (12:09:54 AM): possibly

me (12:10:04 AM): so next time you caught more rain

BLAH (12:10:02 AM): you could be referring to your heart itself

me (12:10:09 AM): ?

BLAH (12:10:18 AM): as nabeyuna Muhammad said … if your heart is good then the rest of you will be good

me (12:10:59 AM): heart?

me (12:11:00 AM): ummm

me (12:11:02 AM): nay

BLAH (12:11:11 AM): yay

BLAH (12:11:12 AM): nay

BLAH (12:11:15 AM): maybe say

me (12:11:20 AM): we do not truely know if our heart is goood

me (12:11:33 AM): everyone has faults

me (12:11:42 AM): I speak of the joy of Alllah

me (12:11:47 AM): of doign good

me (12:11:58 AM): yeah i suppose that’s what i mean

me (12:12:03 AM): feeling noor

me (12:12:05 AM): i suppose

me (12:12:09 AM): in your heart

me (12:12:19 AM): like a rising sun

me (12:12:24 AM): making you happy

BLAH (12:12:23 AM): mmm

BLAH (12:12:27 AM): thats still in your heart though

BLAH (12:12:35 AM): the noor illiminates your heart

BLAH (12:12:46 AM): which in turn affects the rest of your body and your behaviors

me (12:13:10 AM): until you start singing and dances and randomly screaming?

me (12:13:12 AM): LOOLLz

BLAH (12:13:28 AM): haha

BLAH (12:13:31 AM): Sufi-style?

BLAH (12:13:32 AM): maybe

BLAH (12:13:45 AM): well

BLAH (12:13:48 AM): kinda

me (12:14:30 AM): ummm saying the noor illumating in the heart sounds so pretenation

me (12:14:31 AM): s

me (12:14:39 AM): like so assuming

me (12:14:51 AM): i’ rather say joy

BLAH (12:14:59 AM): sure

me (12:15:06 AM): b/c i am feeling it right now

me (12:15:15 AM): and i am not nearly as holyly

me (12:15:18 AM): LOOOLLz

me (12:15:26 AM): but I probabaly have holes

me (12:15:30 AM): Bwhahaha

BLAH (12:15:36 AM): LOL

me (12:15:44 AM): in the brain

BLAH (12:15:43 AM): so tell me why you’re feeling like that

BLAH (12:15:53 AM): well you have seven holes in your head already

me (12:16:11 AM): probably i have more

me (12:16:31 AM): hahaha

me (12:16:38 AM): but that was the point yaar

BLAH (12:16:41 AM): your two eyes, your two nostrils, your two ears and your mouth … seven holes

BLAH (12:16:43 AM):

me (12:16:48 AM): keeping it secert

BLAH (12:16:53 AM): so anyways, why are you feeling so giddy?

me (12:17:04 AM): holding int the joy until you just…

me (12:17:06 AM): LOOLLZ

me (12:17:10 AM): explode

me (12:17:17 AM): heehee

me (12:17:33 AM): i am nonsense

BLAH (12:17:32 AM): well

BLAH (12:17:33 AM): tell me

me (12:17:50 AM): heehee

me (12:17:51 AM): nay

me (12:17:54 AM): sorry

me (12:17:58 AM):

BLAH (12:17:56 AM): ‘fess up Illana

me (12:18:06 AM): neverrrrrrrr

me (12:18:10 AM): heehee

me (12:18:21 AM): my point was

me (12:18:28 AM): by not sharing such things

BLAH (12:18:32 AM): uhuh

me (12:18:42 AM): does it make it more precious?

BLAH (12:18:53 AM): sometimes

BLAH (12:19:24 AM): if you share it with someone else and it improves them, if it improves their outlook on life, or makes them happy and smile, then it makes you more happy as a result, because you just helped someone feel better

BLAH (12:19:26 AM): or become better

BLAH (12:19:28 AM): so then

BLAH (12:19:41 AM): it becomes even more valuable to you because you know you canhelp others with it

me (12:19:54 AM): Hahahaha!

me (12:19:57 AM): good try!

me (12:20:02 AM): LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLz

BLAH (12:20:10 AM):

BLAH (12:20:17 AM): i always try

me (12:20:41 AM): by keeping it secert does it improve you?

me (12:20:54 AM): teach you wisedom?

BLAH (12:20:55 AM): it might, i dunno

BLAH (12:21:02 AM): depends on what it is

BLAH (12:21:06 AM): i dont even know what it is

me (12:21:10 AM): allow you to hold more joy and noor next time?

BLAH (12:21:32 AM): possibly

me (12:21:34 AM): oye I am goign to throw a chapal a you

BLAH (12:21:42 AM): but my mommy always taught me to share

me (12:21:45 AM): I am talking about the noor you feel inside

me (12:21:59 AM): keeping it secert

BLAH (12:21:59 AM): well the noor i have inside .. No, i dont keep it inside

BLAH (12:22:05 AM): i dont keep it a secret, no

me (12:22:18 AM): ugh

me (12:22:24 AM): i don’t think your listening

me (12:22:36 AM): ya3ni let me spell it out for you

me (12:22:43 AM): even though i can’t spell

me (12:23:03 AM): you do something for Allah>> thus you feel noor>>

BLAH (12:23:04 AM): okay

BLAH (12:23:07 AM): right

me (12:23:13 AM): by doing it for Allah

me (12:23:20 AM): you keep it secert

BLAH (12:23:29 AM): well yeah thats true

BLAH (12:23:34 AM): but thats the actual ACT itself

me (12:23:36 AM): but by sharing it does it cheapen it?

me (12:23:39 AM): and then

me (12:23:44 AM): the noor itself

BLAH (12:23:48 AM): no, that you dont share really

BLAH (12:23:49 AM): but

me (12:23:51 AM): by sharing it

BLAH (12:23:53 AM): the noor you got from it

me (12:23:56 AM): eik min

me (12:23:58 AM): eik min

BLAH (12:24:02 AM): that you can share, without revealing the action itself

me (12:24:08 AM): yeahhh

me (12:24:11 AM):

me (12:24:13 AM): ok

BLAH (12:24:18 AM): k

me (12:24:27 AM): does sharing the noor cheapen the act itself?

me (12:24:41 AM): ?

BLAH (12:24:42 AM): depends how you’re sharing it

me (12:24:50 AM): like how?

BLAH (12:24:49 AM): if you are talking about the act itself

BLAH (12:24:57 AM): then yeah, it becomes cheapened

BLAH (12:25:01 AM): you did it for the sake of Allaah

BLAH (12:25:07 AM): so leave it between you and Him

me (12:26:01 AM): but smiling like a crazy head… things you can’t control becasue you can bearly contain yourself

me (12:26:12 AM): does that cheapen it as well?

BLAH (12:26:20 AM): nope

BLAH (12:26:24 AM): not at all

me (12:26:37 AM): LOOLLz

me (12:26:39 AM): ok

me (12:26:47 AM): did having this convo

me (12:26:55 AM): becasue you have an inkling

me (12:27:05 AM): b/c i had to SPELL it out for you

BLAH (12:27:10 AM): lol

me (12:27:15 AM): cheapen it?

BLAH (12:27:20 AM): all I know so far, is that you’re really happy

BLAH (12:27:25 AM): and no it didnt cheapen it

me (12:27:45 AM): INSHALLAH THEN

me (12:27:55 AM): LOOOLLz

me (12:27:59 AM): I am soo lame

me (12:28:01 AM): heehee

BLAH (12:28:01 AM): naw

BLAH (12:28:04 AM): you’re alright

me (12:28:08 AM): Alhumduillah

me (12:28:42 AM): *happy sigh*

 

I danced today

and my hair flew every which way

happiness grew

as beauty ensued

my eyes green and bright–

thank you mirror

I am an awesome wild sight!

Flying higher and higher!

Nowhere near tis’ tier

Joy sprang a rose

And no door seem to close

I have been feeling very poetic:

Laughter so loud
Tears so sweet
We’ll look back on the days we were so proud
On our feet
Near to anguish we were
Ecstasy simply pure
Oh those mighty days when we caused such a stir!
Everything was importanr and taken with zeal
Still strong we were not needing that meal
Naive we were–taking to love so fast!
Gone are the days
So now we just laugh!

HEEHEE… ALLAH-u-AKHBAR!