Born Confused

me: i think i am suddenly getting very depressed
dien:: whats wrong ilana
me: honestly, i feel very tired of life
sometimes this life is so petty, shallow… searching for love, beauty….
dien:: shallow people?
me: i probably sound naive and shallow myself… but i am telling you this with the utmost sincerity, just in general, when i am alone and ponder to myself, this life is nothing
and i just want to get it over and die
dien:: then make dua to Allah to keep you alive on this Earth as long as it is better for you
and to lift you up when its better for you
after you make that dua, place your trust in Him that He will indeed grant you your dua
me: i don’t mean it in a pitful way i was just being matter-a-factly
dien:: Ilana I know you didnt mean it in a pitiful way. I’ve felt the way you do, sometimes it happens when your eeman drops, everyone’s eeman goes up and down. its a natural part of life. you can’t escape it but just like when its cold out you take steps to preserve your warmth, so too when your eeman is at risk of losing heat due to the coldness of pessimism, you take steps to preserve its heat.
dien:: why do you get tired of this life?
u mean school and work?
or social engagements in general?
me: sometimes this life is so petty, shallow… searching for love, beauty…. like there has to be more and it’s so hard to have that peace in your heart and live in this life…live that pace of life… i am kind of over the feeling. but sometimes when i am alone and i can think… sometimes you think to yourself that you just want it get it over and die
dien:: that there is something fundamentally wrong with the present order of social organization?
me: HAHA, always ready to speculate on the social order of things–while i speculate on the heart
but yes,
i suppose so
but that must be the nature of things…to be amongst the twilight gray gossamer of the world
little black and white
and Allah did this on purpose (my speculation)
dien:: word
well whats causing ur heart to suffer, if not the pointlessness of modern life?
me: indulging, distracting and caring about it i suppose… and the only reasonable escape is Allah and i can barely manage that

There’s this wholeness, a sweetness in milk, a nirvana that tickles your eyes with impact of it’s subtle beauty.
An atom’s drop of this lissome feeling is panoramic.
Scared to breath, scared to construe it as you struggle grasp this light mist of peace and pathos in your hands, in your tongue–objects limited by lingula; the second degree away from the true self, as Plato would say, it as you struggle to transcribe the unboundless feeling of the heart.
Will it always be a struggle to decipher such quiescent into utterances? To translate the majestic waterfall, the jungle around it, the soul–the soil beneath it teeming with life, then death and then life again–would it be possible to translate it a frail bird? A bird outlined with symbols?
I hope the Omniscient just makes this feeling shared between others as a benevolence of love–regardless of the eloquence of ones quantum. Just there.
Ask a people praying in congregation, with meaning, for an extended period of time. The peaceful aura is there within them; however, at a hermetical level…
Can it ever be shared?
Coping without it…
It’s an acquired taste, met often with yearning, sleepless nights, pining, as a dull pang takes over the emptiness within; sometimes listless tears are your only tiny release of no relief and other developments–the more afflicted occurrences–there is no release, it just digs deeper, the silent scream deafens.
People try and close off instinctively, not knowing where this alarm means or lends to. They busy themselves with technology, ipods, phones, e-communities, promoting themselves–scared to live in the present, build a quality of life and of the enlightening lonely rumination…
Never feeling, never knowing this–that is the blindness to the heart.
Living is striving for peace.

A speech I did at the Education Forum Chicago Alhumdullah

We see over and over again, Conferences, gets together, camps, organizations, Islamic schools trying to address the dilemma of the youth: Identity. This theme—this problem, is huge, expansive, the seed—that gives birth to unity and inshAllah countless good deeds and endeavors.

Identity is in itself means a coming across a sameness, a likeness even amongst varying conditions—a constant state. Therefore we can say the antithesis—the sickness of identity is not being constant, not having a constant state and therefore we must ask ourselves what is this desired state we should strive for?

The desired state is the Muslim state—the Muslim identity that permeates through out a persons character, interactions and varying conditions whilst in the west, an environment of constant upheavals. Being in a state of peace does not mean being in a peaceful state without turmoil. Peace means being in this state inspite of upheavals.

Ironically this peaceful state, this Muslim identity isn’t simply born out of peace but rather from hardship. Peace in itself is a strong trait, a strong characteristic and as Napoleon Hill, a famous American author said, “The strongest oak tree of the forest is not the one that is protected from the storm and hidden from the sun. It’s the one that stands in the open where it is compelled to struggle for its existence against the winds and rains and the scorching sun.”

In order to build this strong tree, the seed needs to be cultivated, nurtured and protected from the harsh weather in the darkness and over the protection of the soil. This seed is the Muslim youth in the west. And the soil, covering and protecting this seedling and readying it to become big and strong—giving the foundations and room to take root to steadfastness is the Islamic upbringing—the purpose of Islamic schools. These Islamic institutions give room for children to spread their roots in a comfortable way—showing them that they, yes, indeed can still be mainstream in a western society, comfortable, strong, and secure with the knowledge such intuitions instill in them.

Islamic schools build a Muslim identity. In a Islamic school, you, the teachers and administration are building the foundation of future Muslims, future families, future communities, future masjids, future of the faith and leaders inshAllah for the sake of Allah.

However, Islamic schools under go their own identity crisis as well. Most teachers come to Islamic schools under two different circumstances. One is the type of teacher is the career-driven teacher that often comes to the Islamic school seeking the initial experience that will allow them to get the better paying jobs in schools with good resources. Often times Islamic schools cannot compete with the facilities and resources over even public school systems and generally offer non-competitive salaries with no benefits. The other type of teacher is the one highly motivated teacher but who may lack certification and the proper background in education.

In addition to these differences, Islamic school teachers come in the enormous variations in their cultural, ethnic and religious backgrounds.

As a result one may find very different standards from one Islamic school to other and even from classroom to classroom in one school. For example, the way the teacher carries themselves in the classroom, tone of voice they use the disciplinarian techniques is, at least, in part by the diverse backgrounds of the teachers. I suggest that Islamic schools develop uniform expectations, procedures and implementation plans so that students within each school will have a unified identity, and a cohesive and clear understanding of who and what they are and the ability to be Muslim to maintain a Muslim home and family and yet productive members of the greater community. Once our identity is settled in it takes root faster if our actions and intentions reaffirm. This is why extra curricular activities like MYNA are so important. Our identities expand outside the masjid and extended family and weave together with the fiber of the greater society we live in.

The river starts out small in the mountains selfish, cold and small, however clear and beautiful to marveled at it’s purity. Ice tis is. The sun, slowly exposes it and a drop mixes into the earth nurturing plants as it’s root cells attach to the H20 b/c of an baffling love of the water for baboons love the flies they pick for lunch. Sustainability. And the drops move into waters and thus into streams guarded heavily by mother trees and get are excused or going down slippery slops. It inaugurates more water, more plants, more rocks, more organisms, more leptons—hadrons—quarks! All in the mathematical dance of flames dawn. The stream–you– recoils, flinch, shrinks, and a froth is born, and rapids are worn, and the rocks are placed and mistakes are made. Arrogantly we think we are a sage and then suddenly the drop is introduced and life has undergone a coup. The waterfall comes and a secret is instilled and we pray on the Last Day we will not be billed. Angry we can be, for hurt inflicts us, bittersweatlovehurthappiness is with us, The question is whilst we be in sajood in the rapids and calm waters? Will we be able to see through the water that carries us to the ocean—our ultimate destination? Will we see Allah’s embrace, His presence all around us like the water, God is the water. Will we bow deeply in the water and hear moving water’s silence as our tears of pain—of salt are carried away and eased until we feel melchanoy, happy, hurt, knowingly content and pleased. Kindly on our knees—leveled with the part stolen from our heart and replaced with a godly smart: selfless, patience wisdom.
now I must depart.

BWHAHAHHAAHA

talking about an event concerning the masjid

me:
yeah I was going to put a petition but then I talked to an inside and I diceded it would be wise to let things take it’s course

violent:
yeah you guys should just let it go
don’t try to push it
you won’t be able to change people’s minds

me:
OOOOOOOOOOOH girl bling bling
sean paul
eh?
when do you suggest standing for something then
do you ever protest anything?

violent:
you fight the battles that are worth fighting
when you know it’s something that will heal rather than bring more discord and divide

me:
You can’t please everyone. And we shouldn’t try. Thats like saying only fight the popular fights–a lot of the good isn’t popular

violent:
uh that’s not what I’m saying at all
what I mean is; if you’re going to fight, make sure it really is going to achieve what you hope to achieve
and that you’re not just fighting for the hell of fighting
out of anger
or bitterness
though it may sound like an oxymoron
you should only ever go to war
with peace in your heart

me:
Sometimes you feel peace in your heart because you believe in what your fighting for even if you know your lose
sometimes you simply need stand up for a cause
and show it’s not acceptable
or it’s wrong
or you don’t agree with it
discord make vibrant civil socities
we shouldn’t hinder from it
call it a oxymoron
but disunity and discord often gives birth to freedom

violent:
that may sometimes be true
but who’s to judge when discord will be fruitful and when it will only breed more fractures

me:
That’s based on the person they should have good intentions, sound knowledge and peace in thier heart so they may aquire wisdom. It’s a case by case thing as for fractures.. it’s life–it’s diversity and it’s beauty. We’re not all the same and it’s a sign from Allah.
And let it be a sign
embrace it
and do not let it weaken you
but derieve strenght from it
nor should we try to suppress it
we might not agree
but we can at least respect it
and that’s a higher form of human and a7lack

violent:
ok but
still
that doesn’t mean
fighting for your cause will always attain victory
if you can foresee that, in fact
fighting will only lead to more disunity
than it’s your duty to restrain yourself
and save your energy for the fights that really matter

me:
read my previous post–I think I had clarified that. And with help from an insider I had sound knowledge and therefore reframed.

me:
CHAY MAN–I gotta jet–a friend came over and said I was her “spiritual guide” and I am gonna take her out for coffee–I think something is up
salaam

violent:
lol ok
guide her well
beace