Born Confused

friend (3:35:28 AM): haha, MSA eat out too much
me (3:35:37 AM): muslims=food
friend (3:35:42 AM): haha agreed
me (3:35:52 AM): what do the girls do?
friend (3:35:58 AM): breakfast
friend (3:36:00 AM): haha
me (3:36:10 AM): you guys do dinner
me (3:36:11 AM): wow
friend (3:36:14 AM): haha yeah
me (3:36:30 AM): i would never wake up for that
me (3:36:41 AM): I would go to lunch with the hijiras
friend (3:36:54 AM): haha

Laddoo
(10:57:42 PM):like, so i can take a breather, figuratively
Laddoo
(10:57:50 PM):before i suck it in deep and keep rockin
me
(11:00:25 PM):it’s just testing your sweat… but it all works well in the end alhumdullah
Laddoo
(11:00:35 PM):insha’allah ameen
me
(11:00:41 PM):and then we look back and laugh about how stressed we were
Laddoo
(11:02:00 PM): i dont intend on looking back for a while
me
(11:05:43 PM):well, that kinda hinders self-reflection eh?
Laddoo
(11:05:51 PM):lol
Laddoo
(11:05:54 PM):nahee yaar
Laddoo
(11:05:57 PM):i set ilestones
Laddoo
(11:05:59 PM):milestones
Laddoo
(11:06:11 PM):and say … no stopping, no looking back until you hit that target
me
(11:07:47 PM):Machiavelli would agree with you on that, carry on with something becuase if you do a half done job you do more damage
Laddoo
(11:08:28 PM):well true
Laddoo
(11:08:32 PM):but with us its like this
Laddoo
(11:08:50 PM):we can no longer say “the sky is the limit” because …… there are already footsteps on the moon
Laddoo
(11:09:05 PM):so we gotta belt this baby like, way outta the stratosphere, way past the moon
Laddoo
(11:09:10 PM):like, we’re just going all out
Laddoo
(11:09:29 PM):we set targets that might seem ridiculously unachievable, to others
Laddoo
(11:09:36 PM):but because we set the bar so high
Laddoo
(11:09:41 PM):whatever we DO get to eventually
Laddoo
(11:09:49 PM):whether below that target, at that target, or above
Laddoo
(11:09:55 PM):in any three of those eventualities
Laddoo
(11:10:04 PM):we will still be miles ahead of what anyone thought we could do
me
(11:11:47 PM):you mean with the modern world?
Laddoo
(11:14:48 PM):yup
me
(11:17:04 PM):people who think there is only valor and honor in the past are narrow minded fools exposed only to thier arrengline and fanstasies
me
(11:17:44 PM):but it makes nice for movies : youtube.com/watch?v=obJOCzZoVEw&feature=related
Laddoo
(11:18:56 PM):yeah i hate looking to the past
Laddoo
(11:19:13 PM):like i dont wanna be “oh we Muslims were like THIS, and like THAT… we WERE kings”
Laddoo
(11:19:14 PM):etc etc etc
Laddoo
(11:19:17 PM):like, screw that
Laddoo
(11:19:20 PM):it wasnt US
Laddoo
(11:19:23 PM):it was those Muslims
Laddoo
(11:19:25 PM):who had spine
Laddoo
(11:19:30 PM):and fervor
Laddoo
(11:19:31 PM):and passion
Laddoo
(11:19:32 PM):and deen
Laddoo
(11:19:34 PM):and eeman
Laddoo
(11:19:38 PM):and THEY got to where they did
Laddoo
(11:19:41 PM):we have no part of it
me
(11:21:56 PM):I think the problem is that Muslims often lose thier creativity and “intelect” about it, cultural, and blindly follow what thier fathers did. They look to the past, to shape thier future, take pride in it too–and it’s often outdated
Laddoo
(11:22:40 PM):yeah
Laddoo
(11:22:49 PM):like whatever happened to progress and good innovation
me
(11:25:04 PM):romanticism took over
me
(11:25:28 PM):a lot of young Muslim men have this problem
Laddoo
(11:26:51 PM):yeah its sad

me (11:24:40 AM):salaam what is that a pic of?
thought (11:25:07 AM):wa salamz
thought (11:25:15 AM):a hand giving a heart to another hand
me (11:25:32 AM):ew
thought (11:26:06 AM):lol
me (11:26:33 AM):yo do you know anyone that interputs dreams?
thought (11:27:05 AM):I’m always skeptical of people that claim to interpret dreams
thought (11:27:14 AM):I don’t think there’s much merit
thought (11:27:19 AM):in trying to decipher them
me (11:30:05 AM):of course you take everything with a grain of salt, but just because I don’t understand it doesn’t mean I disregaurd it. I know a couple of times when people were right on the ball, eerily so… and perhaps not much merit, but a loveable curiosity and I don’t quash that with the bore called logic
thought (11:30:31 AM):lol ok
thought (11:30:33 AM):wonderful
thought (11:30:42 AM):it’s just that I know some people
thought (11:30:48 AM):who get so caught up trying to find meaning
thought (11:30:58 AM):in something beautiful
thought (11:31:18 AM):when the real beauty is that it’s from yourself
thought (11:31:44 AM):you don’t have to search for it
thought (11:31:48 AM):it’s right there before you
thought (11:32:03 AM):and on the contrary
thought (11:32:12 AM):I think trying to find such meaning
thought (11:32:19 AM):is what’s really quashing it with logic
thought (11:32:35 AM):trying to decipher and break it aparr
thought (11:32:35 AM):t
thought (11:36:32 AM):try typing in
thought (11:36:34 AM):sentences
thought (11:36:36 AM):instead of blocks
thought (11:36:38 AM)::)
me (11:36:38 AM):trying to discern something is apart of intellect , being open to others interpretations of something beyond us (which sounds a lot like pluralism in religion, or just religion in itself) holds merit and valuable insightfulness to enrich understand and a greater scope of possible meaning… in which is the crux of this discussion–unless you hold it worthless.
thought (11:36:57 AM):no no
thought (11:37:00 AM):I agree completely
thought (11:37:05 AM):I’m just saying personally
thought (11:37:15 AM):I rather find beauty in the abstract
thought (11:37:26 AM):then try and give it some confines of reality
thought (11:37:34 AM):because dreams are of another realm
thought (11:37:45 AM):and I think one of the most beautiful things we can do
thought (11:37:52 AM):is share our dreams with one another
thought (11:38:25 AM):lol do you know who you’re talking to
thought (11:38:34 AM):when it comes to being open to others’ interpretations

me (11:39:43 AM):i was about to ask you the same thing, when you described trying to decipher beauty and break it apart and quashing it with meaning and logic
me (11:41:31 AM):but perhaps you did have that assumation of me?
thought (11:41:47 AM):sigh
thought (11:41:49 AM):of course not
me (11:41:54 AM):got ya
thought (11:42:02 AM):but do you see what I’m saying
thought (11:42:08 AM):how the abstract
me (11:42:10 AM):indeed and i agree
thought (11:42:11 AM):can be be more beautiful
thought (11:42:15 AM):ok

________________________________________________________________

me (3:04:02 PM):it’s spelled “con”-”science”?
me (3:04:13 PM):LOLz, is it adverse to science?
me (3:04:17 PM):the fitrah?
thought (3:04:25 PM):lol
thought (3:04:26 PM):that’s
thought (3:04:38 PM):actually an interesting point
thought (3:04:52 PM):never thought about that
thought (3:08:21 PM):but I dunno if I’d agree with that
thought (3:08:27 PM):the ftra being contrary to science
thought (3:08:37 PM):because the fitra always seems to make sense
thought (3:08:41 PM):the gut instinct
thought (3:08:44 PM):is the most rational
me (3:09:34 PM):or science failing to describe the soul, i think the fitra something a bit more and pure then gut instinct
thought (3:11:18 PM):yeah
thought (3:11:20 PM):I agree
thought (3:12:11 PM):I like that
thought (3:12:14 PM):I’m gonna steal that
thought (3:12:18 PM):lol

Talking about a movie I saw

gora: ya Lateef
u wudnt tell from the title
u dont seem like the person who wud watch those kinda movies anyway

me: well they don’t show you
but it happens
and ewwwwwww
like the
abuse
the messed up -ness in those countries
ouch
people selling limbs

gora: yeah i’ve been noticing tho that more and more movies nowadays are showing more violence and torture and abuse scenes

me: to feed thier families
well there wasn’t scenes
but the concept of it disturbed me greatly
even though it is reality

gora: those images become scars… we all have to deal with them in the barzakh
try to fill your sight with the jameel

me: OMA
so truth
soo true
guard our harts
and souls
images scar

gora: do u know what heals scars?

me: quran?
Thirkir?
sometimes
those scars don’t heal tho
too deep

gora: salawat
it needs work but they can heal
however, easier than that is to live in the moment and dont attach the present moment to the past
so no deep convos?
between u two

me: who two?

gora: u and ur friend

me: which friend?

gora: i mean u and (friend)

me: oohhh
LOOLLz
umm
a different kind of deep
not in a philosophy kind of deep

gora: doesnt matter

me: (friend) isn’t like that
but the trouble we go through
the improvements we need
like me
umm
i need to be
ugh
womanly
graceful in certain situations
And i am more blunt then anything

gora: hmmm
bijuz

me: i am immature
bijuz?

gora: ya’ni could be the case
yeah u are entering a new decade soon
u seem busy

me: no
i was thinking upon what you said
i am growing
i should have sabr with myself

gora: would u say there is some resistance in you from growing up and changing and getting older?

me: HAHHAHA
very much sssooo!
how did you know–your the first to mention it

gora: and how come its surprising i cant tell

me: your the first to point it out
but it’s soo true

gora: well we’re all walking that way, so its only a matter of being content with it or fighting it
i was studying recently the work of this person who wants humans to live 1000 years
made me think alot
he was completely oblivious to any aspect beyond the purely physical body

me: umm
like what
should he have focused on?

gora: well i mean he was only talking about for example manipulating the genes so ur body wont age as quickly as it does, to slow down the aging process way way down, so that you age ten times as slow, and therefore instead of living to 100 you would live to 1,000
but what about the intellect, the ruh, etc?
in any case i dont think this world will last for another 1000 yrs

me: well noah’s people lived that long

gora: alayhi salam

me: like a thousand years
as
right

gora: true but our generation will see Imam Mahdi and Dajjal, which means pretty much it
anyway im taking u away from ur topic, back to you…

me: there is nothing certain in tomorrow

gora: thats way too vague to mean anything substantive lol

me: LOLz
hahah
i like that
but you can take it in any way

gora: can u imagine a person physically 900 yrs old but with an immature spirit and intellect?? a disaster!

me: umm

gora: so why dont u wanna grow up so to speak?

me: it’s an inevitable process
well i admire the care free fun elders
that have a certain wisdom
they hold a spark
i want my spark

gora: you want to keep the spark you have, or you want to find ur “missing” spark?

me: keep it
life often takes it away
away

gora: did u read my email i sent?

me: i have a zest and happiness in life
indeed
the beautiful one about babies?

gora: kind of related to what ur talking about
about mom’s saying they cant spend as much time doing spiritual practices because of baby duties

me: no no
thats not my dilemma

gora: of course i know its not

me: i understand that fully well
but children
what a HUGE responablilty
i truely have to give them EVERYTHING
my heart, my sleep
my soul

gora: let me ask you, around what age would u be willing to marry?

me: if not it’s not fair for them
really honestly
i don’t know

gora: and would marriage and children put away the spark?

me: the worries, i fear would
but perhaps i am being cynical
1so i can be pleasantly surprised
i don’t know
but definitely it would wear me out
because my life would be my children
inshAllah

gora: how exactly are u keeping and maintaining ur spark now?

me: you feel me?

gora: in sha’Allah

me: with my freedom
with discovery
by Allah swt ’s grace
(first and formost)
with learning

gora: and have u talked with those elders and asked them how they still have the spark after a long life of jobs, marriage, children, grandchildren, etc?

me: with excitment
and being able to do what i love
umm
actually no
have you?

gora: that might be a good idea
i have yes

me: and?
was it love?

gora: all of them told me the same thing, which i am afraid of telling u now

me: ?

gora: but i’ll give u a hint

me: do not fear me

gora: not that im afraid of u my dear…

me: sabr?

gora: but the hint is in sura 57 verse 13

me: MWAHAH my quran is with me
alhumdullah
noor, mercy
hypothcrites

gora: i am afraid of telling u now because u need more preparation to see the full dimension of what would be a simple answer…. for example, the degree to which i understand “la ilaha illa Allah” is much smaller than the degree which my shaykh understands it, so if my shaykh were only to say, “the answer is in la ilaha illa Allah” then i wouldnt move anywhere cuz i’d still be stuck with my current capacity of understanding, it would only keep me where i am… does that make sense?

me: The Day
oh yes
that makes complete sense
but do then give me the chance to grow with it
then to have no knowledge at all

gora: so ilana the answer that they told me is “be the son of your moment”, BUT those few words involve so much

me: be the son?

gora: (well for u it wud be “daughter”)

me: live in the moment?
or sun?
be the light?
ooh
be the daughter
humility?

gora: mm no not really

me: no expectations

gora: humility is always good
ilana this is a very big meaning

me: will you explain it from you understanding?

gora: i feel shy putting myself on a pedestal to explain it when i myself am still under training

me: mashAllah
ok build a brigde and get over it
LOOOOLLz

gora: my shaykh wrote a book “At Peace in a time of wars” during the earlier Iraq war and in it he talked alot about that “wall” which on the inside is mercy and coming from the outside is torment and actually i dont know if u heard my opening short speech in dar al noor, but i gave a big chunk of the puzzle in that but when wars are raging around you, in ur internal environment you sit in a garden within a wall, submerged in mercy do u know what a big obstacle to understanding these things is tho??

me: TASWUUF

gora: what about tasawwuf?

me: those types of things
are on the metaphysical level
hard to understand

gora: true
i meant tho, that people try to mentally or intellectually understand this stuff, then once they do, they become complacent, and in reality their soul is still in the dumps, whereas they have to roll up their sleeves and tighten their belts and sit down on His carpet and repeat His Name
like people who think they become believers by simply memorizing the 6 pillars of belief
i want u to benefit, so u must for example do dhikr until your heart opens and light fills in, then all these things u can see for yourself and be able to feed others, and instead of a “spark” you’ll have a sun
your aspiration is to keep and maintain a spark…. why not rise higher and want a sun?

me: inshAllah
yeah i suppose
it’s it the price of adulthood
a costly price

gora: so for example when u inevitably move into adulthood but still try to force-drag with you your state in childhood, it is not being in the moment of adulthood where Allah put you at that time
i’ll tell u a story
about Sidi Abdul Wahhab al-Sha’rani (qaddas Allahu sirrahu)
in his time he eventually came to be the top scholar in his time, and the top teacher in Azhar (Cairo)

me: mashAllah

gora: everyday along his way from his home to the school, he saw this illiterate man on the side of the road, and would every day ridcule him and say, “ALLAH DOES NOT BEFRIEND AN IGNORANT PERSON” and go on his way
and the illiterate person was Sidi Ali al-Khawass
and al-Sha’rani was unaware of his mighty spiritual station, because he was blind by his own self and impressed with it
and with all the students and people who would flock to him for teaching

me: hahha
that’s ironic

gora: again, each day he would pass by this person, al-Khawass, and say the same thing
sadly this is what happens when ppl fill their minds and ignore their hearts
anyway
one day, when al-Sha’rani told him, “Allah does not befriend an ignorant one”, Sidi al-Khawass responded with the completion of the hadith, “BUT IF HE LOVES SOMEONE, HE BEFRIENDS HIM AND TEACHES HIM”, and then he said to him something which would be impossible for him to know (i wont tell u what it is because ur a girl)
once he said that, al-Sha’rani was stunned and bewildered, and just said nothing and went to school dumbfounded, and when he sat in the chair to begin teaching, he found that all his knowledge had gone and disappeared

me: LOOLLz

gora: he just sat there few minutes then left and gave an excuse that he’s sick and no class today
but in home he was going crazy because all this knowledge he had simply went away from him, and when he would read his own notes and books in his house, as soon as he closed a book he wudnt remember anything
so he sat home alone for a few days and avoided the school
finally he swallowed his pride and said ok let me go to this man, akeed he’s probably someone special and i shud apologize
so he went and asked apology, and went to kiss his hand, but al-Khawass pulled back his hand and said to him: “if you want your knowledge to come back to you, then you must find the lowest person in Cairo and kiss his hand”
so he went looking and looking……. until he found a christian who was tending pigs, and was up to his knees in mud and filth, and said to himself, “this has to be the lowest person in egypt”
so went to him and wanted to kiss his hand, but the christian said to him: “you think im the lowest person in cairo? well you’re wrong, look at yourself”

me: ouch
hardcore

gora: then it hit him that al-Khawass was a real big wali to the point that his inspiration flowed even to a christian, and after an honest look at himself, realized he was the lowest person in cairo
so he went back before al-Khawass and al_Sha’rani kissed his own hand in front of al-Khawass and said “i repent to Allah”, and all his book knowledge
came back
he went back to his home thrilled and excited, he began looking again into his books and now his memory was sharp as ever,
after a short while, he still felt empty inside, like all this knowledge in his head (and just as a side note, he really was incredibly knowledgeable scholar, if u read his books u can see that for urself), but he wasnt content in his heart, his heart felt closed and un-illuminated and heedless
so he went back to Sidi al-Khawass and said, “i want to be ur murid (student in sufi terms) and you be my Shaykh, just like Musa alayhi salam took al-Khadir as a shaykh”
and do u know what al-Khawass’s first order for him was?
“take all ur books and notes, and sell them in the market, then take that money and spread it among the poor,… i will check on u in a few days and if i see u dont do this, i myself will take your books and dispose of them”
al-Sha’rani felt like this was taking the foundation out from under his feet, because he worked for YEARS and decades compiling and gathering those valuable books and notes, and felt that once those books go, like his knowledge itself would go too
but what to do? he is now his student and the student must obey the Shaykh if he is to benefit, so he sold his books and spread out the money among the poor…. however in his heart he still had a subtle attachment and nostalgia to them
so he complained of that to his teacher al-Khawass, who told him, “strive to cut off that nostalgia and attachment to them, and devote your time instead to do dhikr so Allah can open your heart with His Nur”
after a while of doing that, finally Allah opened up his heart with an immense opening, and filled it with light and knowledge
real experiential knowledge of the Divine, very much unlike “book knowledge”
from that point on, Sha’rani would always say that he learned under hundreds of teachers, but only one of them weaned him and made him a full man, Sidi Ali al-Khawass
and now, his writings are filled with eloquence and realization
and in sha’Allah ur awake now still lol

me: indeed
i read it

gora: do u understand the difference between those two knowledges?

me: indeed

gora: do u mind describing the difference
me: one is an opening from Allah swt a certain understanding and another is opening a book

gora: lol
beautiful

me: Jazakullahkhair

gora: when the heart is opened and illuminated, that is what Christ (alayhi salam) meant about being born again into the spiritual kingdom, and when he said, “you cannot enter the kingdom of heaven unless you are born twice”

me: wow mashAllah
that’s hot

gora: and when that opening happens, that is when u “enter” inside that wall-enclosed garden in surat Hadid, within which is mercy, while ppl who havent had that opening remain outside that wall, where there is torment and suffering
now after that u can probably see a new meaning in sura 63 verse 9

gora: ?

me: ??

gora: any comments etc?
i was done talking

me: nope
i concur

gora: lol ok
well u seem busy so

me: nope
i was reading
and pondering

gora: what did u come up with

me: i need sleep
i fele asleep
LOLZ

gora: i figured
sweet dreams
in sha’Allah these words will ignite something in you
salamat wa barakat

me: salaam

On talking about the fear-zing post (sorry I took so long to post this)… I happen to witness an interesting discussion between two friends *popcorn*

person (12:50:40 AM):because I think the crown of wisdom is really higher consciousness
larka (12:54:14 AM): id rather seek that answer from someone who speaks from authority
person (12:54:21 AM):haha
person (12:54:23 AM):that’s fine
person (12:54:32 AM):but ultimately
person (12:54:41 AM):the task is on the individual soul
person (12:54:54 AM):to seek knowledge, enlightenment, and contentment
person (12:55:20 AM):and all of those are different for each and every seeker
person (12:57:22 AM):no matter what position of authority someone is in
person (12:57:33 AM):they can’t tell you the best way to please and express your love for your lord
person (12:57:45 AM):because God has made all as unique as snow flakes
person (12:58:28 AM):each pattern is exquisite and beautiful and completely different; but they’re all snowflakes and they all come from the same source
larka (12:59:22 AM): i enjoy talking about these things, but mainly with ppl who are willing to apply into action what they learn instead of offering arm-chair commentary, otherwise after a while its worthless discussing with someone about swimming for example if they never swam (which is what i mean by authority - i.e. someone who’s experienced himself what he’s talking about, i dont mean someone who is in some position like imam)
person (12:59:41 AM):ah wow
person (12:59:44 AM):harsh
person (12:59:48 AM):what does that mean exactly?
person (12:59:53 AM):putting it into practice?
larka (12:59:54 AM): “its nice to offer poetic opinions, lets see the real action”
person (1:00:01 AM):what does that mean?
person (1:00:06 AM):what would real action imply
person (1:00:25 AM):I can give you examples, I suppose, but really it’s a philosophy
larka (1:01:33 AM): “someone who *knows* the ins and outs details of the Jalal of Allah, and who acts accordingly”
person (1:02:12 AM):?
person (1:02:33 AM):why does it seem we overthink things?
person (1:03:25 AM):the main point I’ve been trying to make is that we should not cower in fear and let that guide our actions
larka (1:03:37 AM): that has authority”
larka (1:03:46 AM): but someone who says “oh i love Allah” but rarely ever for example sends salawat to Allah’s Prophet/Beloved… where is the authority in that?? where is the love? where is the proof?
person (1:03:47 AM):we should purify our intentions so that each and everything we do in life is transformed into an act of worship and an expression of love
larka (1:06:09 AM): im just saying there are ppl who speak from sultan (authority) and idhn (Divine permission), and other ppl who dont have that

larka (1:11:09 AM): “there are ppl that know for example that angels frequent a certain place, based on some hadith or another…. then there are people who go to that place and know the names of those angels… thats authority = direct experience of the knowledge passed down to us
larka (1:11:26 AM): there are ppl that heard from second-hard hearsay, or from some book, that the Prophet is alive… there are other people that go to Madina and offer salams to him, and hear him respond directly to them, thats authority
larka (1:11:48 AM): general statements like “purifying intentions” are good, but arent enuf for those people who want to go deep and arent satisfied with surface understandings of Islam
person (1:12:05 AM):no
person (1:12:11 AM):those people who are trying to go deep
person (1:12:18 AM):are trying to overanalyze
person (1:12:29 AM):those that try do be deep only ever end up drowning
person (1:12:39 AM):this is where sects arise
person (1:12:48 AM):different battling schools of thoughts
person (1:12:52 AM):all these different constructs
person (1:13:09 AM):dedicated to breaking apart and codifying and regulating our connection to God
larka (1:15:44 AM):u seem to think that by “going deep” i mean something mental or intellectual, which is missing the point entirely… no “overanalyzing” here, overanalyzing means that ur only using intellect and nothing else is being effected in you”
person (1:16:24 AM):then I really don’t understand the point this fellow is trying to make
person (1:16:37 AM):we’re talking about what motivates your actions
person (1:16:44 AM):the most basic of things
person (1:16:54 AM):I say the basic motivator should be love
person (1:16:58 AM):because that is the most sincere
larka (1:19:23 AM): well, you dont like the idea of “codifying” and “regulating” our conneciton to God… now some people experience God in that sense of cowering fear. are we gonna tell them “no u got it all the wrong way, u shudnt experience Him like that?
larka (1:19:41 AM):and if we’re talking about what motivates ppls actions, then your not really answering the topic of why/how the head of wisdom is the fear of Allah
person (1:20:14 AM):God is beautiful and loves beauty
person (1:20:19 AM):someone cowering out of fear
person (1:20:29 AM):is not appreciative of God’s beauty
person (1:20:36 AM):shadows cover everything
person (1:20:41 AM):and they’re frightened
person (1:20:49 AM):no one ever gets pleasure or contentment out of fear
person (1:21:21 AM):there’s no wisdom in constantly running and looking behind your back to see if you’re going to get whipped or not
person (1:21:35 AM):wisdom lies in true, constant consciousness
person (1:21:45 AM):that’s what taqwa really is
person (1:21:55 AM):you are constantly aware of His presence
person (1:22:01 AM):so you act accordingly
person (1:22:10 AM):you don’t act rashly because you fear what you may do to him
person (1:22:23 AM):having fear as the head of wisdom is an imbalanced mindset
larka (1:22:33 AM):bec those people know fully what this means: “O Allah, there is no safe place to hide from You except You, we run from You to You”
larka (1:22:49 AM):and then they move from that to a more advanced state
larka (1:23:25 AM):the Prophet (asws) said that in a famous hadith, i wouldnt contravene him
person (1:23:28 AM):perhaps it’s necessary to feel fear somewhere along the path to consciousness
person (1:23:38 AM):but that’s not the destination
person (1:23:44 AM):you should not be stuck on fear
person (1:23:57 AM):if all you feel is fear, then you are not running To Him
person (1:26:01 AM):alright
person (1:26:10 AM):though I don’t think we’re going to come to some easy agreement
larka (1:26:34 AM): the Prophet (asws) said that in a famous hadith, i wouldnt contravene him
those arent my words
i said i dont understand how that cud be, because i havent experienced or reached that height of wisdom, even tho i can come up with answers intellectually
yes, there is a pleasure and contentment deep in fear, when it applies to Allah, like that du’a i quoted
“we run from You to You”
which is found in the Qur’an
larka (1:32:16 AM):just as someone is supposed to experience the Jamal and Beauty of Allah, if someone is *only* experiencing that aspect of Him, then his knowledge of Allah is deficient and limited, the goal is to experience as many aspects of Him, including the Jalal (rigorous severity) of Allah, and the more encompassing knowledge you have of Allah, then the closer to completion u arrive at
larka (1:32:26 AM):and Allah puts some of His slaves in that state of “we run from You to You” because it is actually one of the quickest ways to be consumed in Allah
larka (1:32:39 AM):so Islam isnt a guessing game…. it requires experience of Allah’s Names and their meanings… *EXPERIENCE*
larka (1:32:50 AM):how does the Name of Wadud taste like? how does the Name of Quddus taste like? how does the Name al-Qahhar taste like?
person (1:32:51 AM):ok…
larka (1:32:59 AM):what are their effects in the heart? in the creation around one?
person (1:33:06 AM):but that’s exactly my point
larka (1:33:08 AM):just as at the same time being stuck in fear, and having that state of fear block or veil u from Allah is also a deficiency
person (1:33:16 AM):you experience the many beauties and intricacies of God
person (1:33:31 AM):but ultimately
person (1:34:37 AM):at the core of everything
person (1:34:37 AM):should be your true, unquavering love for Him
person (1:34:37 AM):this is the essential truth we must always return to
person (1:34:37 AM):and all along
person (1:34:37 AM):this is really all I’ve been saying
person (1:34:50 AM):props on “how does the Name of Wadud taste like? how does the Name of Quddus taste like? how does the Name al-Qahhar taste like?”
person (1:34:51 AM):that’s exactly the attitude we should be trying to emulate
person (1:35:01 AM):but we stick out our tongue
person (1:35:11 AM):because of our fervent love and desire
person (1:38:27 AM):to be closer to Him and to be enveloped in his mercy and compassion
larka (1:39:45 AM): alhumduillah
larka (1:39:46 AM):salaam
larka (1:39:51 AM):have a good night
larka (1:42:05 AM):alright…. i might have been a little rough, i hope you werent hurt or offended
person (1:42:21 AM):haha not at all
person (1:42:21 AM):see
person (1:42:21 AM):love motivates me
person (1:42:21 AM):loool
person (1:42:35 AM):that’s love in practice
person (1:42:50 AM):I accept what’s handed to me with contentment
person (1:42:51 AM):boo yaaa
larka (1:44:40 AM):ok good, salaam to both, and remember, talk is cheap

Ibby (11:06:16 PM):what are u feeling now ilana?
me (11:06:37 PM):a lot
Ibby (11:06:43 PM):can u stretch and freely move ur arm?
me (11:06:56 PM):yes alhudmullah
Ibby (11:07:01 PM):good
me (11:07:08 PM):hahah
me (11:07:27 PM):for a sec i didn’t think you were talking aboutthe physical’
Ibby (11:07:50 PM):hahahaha that was cute
Ibby (11:08:01 PM):do u wanna go into the non-physical?
me (11:08:50 PM):it’s a challenge i like to undertake
Ibby (11:09:09 PM):why do u call it a challenge?
Ibby (11:09:25 PM):(i can see why but want to hear it from u)
me (11:09:27 PM):becasue it’s easy to ignore it all
me (11:09:36 PM):to not think
me (11:09:51 PM):accept things the way they are
me (11:09:52 PM):LOOOLLZ
Ibby (11:21:45 PM):lemme share some things with u from this old book i have
Ibby (11:22:21 PM):”Humility is the silencing of one’s innermost being while reverentially witnessing Allah (Most High)”
Ibby (11:22:43 PM):”Humility is a humbled low state that comes upon the heart when the Lord is disclosed”
Ibby (11:23:08 PM):”Humility is the melting and hiding of the heart in the presence of the Sovereign King of Truth”
Ibby (11:23:30 PM):”Humility is the prelude to being overwhelmed and overpowered by awe”

Ibby (11:26:07 PM):here think of this
Ibby (11:26:22 PM):”arrogance toward one who is arrogant to you on account of his wealth, is humility”
me (11:28:37 PM):*thinking*
Ibby (11:28:47 PM):hahaha
me (11:30:11 PM):what book is this from?
Ibby (11:30:17 PM):by the way those are all from “The Principles of Sufism” by Abu’l Qasim Qushayri
Ibby (11:30:35 PM):trans in english by a number of ppl
Ibby (11:30:51 PM):the trans here is some german guy named B. Von Schlegell
me (11:32:06 PM):mashAllah
me (11:32:13 PM):that’s supper cool
Ibby (11:34:24 PM):so what are u thinking
me (11:35:17 PM):I went to wash my face
Ibby (11:36:13 PM):were u crying? or something else?
Ibby (11:36:39 PM):”Shame is the heart’s contracting in order to exalt the expansive majesty of the Lord”
Ibby (11:36:48 PM):i like that one

My brain is on overload. Less then 8 hours of sleep per a week is critically detrimental. No sleep yesterday, barely any sleep today. Well, I’ll spare you a complaining rant. There is just so much work. Alhumdullah. It’s very cold too. It snowed two days ago. And there’s still bloody snow on the ground. Alhumduillah.
Went to the second day of Hanukkah celebration with Hillel and a discussion between Middle East Peace and Hillel about the two female activists–one from Israel, the other from Palestine—that came a couple of days ago.
It seemed it was the catalyst for discussion on Israel and Palestine and the informative and anecdotal discussion that followed was absolutely amazing. Middle East Peace, Hillel and MSA inshAllah is definitely doing a collation for events… the possibilities… my head, the experience, has still yet to put itself around.
Michael Young’s eloquent speech yesterday on Lebanon… that too, I have to think about. Unique. Profound. The specificity and art in which he talked with the philosophic art of vagueness definitely left an impression on me. Nevertheless, I have still yet to grasp (with a plaguing skepticism) all in which he entailed.
Perchance it is a resultant of a disadvantageous deficiency of slumber.
Afterward, I was dragged into another meeting with Middle East Peace. Hookah—appropriately named Lolita due to certain characters and charm of a balmy apartment, humming with warmth away from the Mistress of Icy’s domain outside, as a soliloquy of melody tinged the air; mixed, and captured a romantic air of philosophy, luxury and laze, even a slight sexuality with a spark of zealousness as we smoothly spoke… it was passed to me, but as tempting as it was to let the smoke relieve my burning eyes, I reached a resolution that until I knew how I felt about it first, without the biasness of context, pressure and ease… I wasn’t going to smoke. Maybe that’s an oxymoron in itself, dismissing something for myself before I’ve even tried it, but I know myself, apt to addiction yet I am so accepting of those who do it. It means nothing to me. But when the action involves myself, I am so indecisive and therefore refrain… I wonder if that makes me a hypocrite.
As I walked back to my dorm I looked at the chilling wide expanse of the sky; stars, dreams far away—but bright enough to capture the imagination of the future in a seemly defiance of time: the constant on which the consistency of concepts is measured.
Then I looked at the ground, wondering if I put pressure on a different part of the palm of my feet, if I lifted my foot and set it down in a slightly different way if it affected the way I felt and perceived the world.
Then a superficial spasm of vigor took over for a moment (I suspect it was the shivering flinch of goosebumps) and I jumped into the air, as if I expected I would fly off and instead came back to earth with a solidness bring back my aching sick head and with it a convoluted weakness that overtook me as I entered my dorm, away from the expanse of the sky.
Oye, never ending soliloquies with subconscious theoretical alienable truths tied in with incomprehensible metaphors seems to be a symptom of two hours of sleep. Perhaps I should get the third, since a busy day awaits me; as my computer takes it sweet time uploading blights.
Yes, defiantly I think I have bordered madness. I shall blame inclusive, defective Slumber that holds no defensive against the ever-powerful Obligations.

Talking about an intention speech… 

 

me (4:09:24 AM): nay, yaar like i weep after i heard that speech

me (4:09:33 AM): it hit me in teh gut so bad

peep (4:09:39 AM): yeah me too

me (4:09:45 AM): thank Allah it was dark

me (4:09:49 AM): wallah?

me (4:10:03 AM): my eyes were soooo swallon

me (4:10:08 AM): swollen*

peep (4:10:38 AM): yeah

peep (4:10:42 AM): I tear fairly easy

me (4:11:16 AM): teary happens to me easily

me (4:11:22 AM): weeping like that does not

me (4:11:38 AM): like perhaps once a year

peep (4:11:55 AM): ah mashaAllah

peep (4:12:03 AM): what was it in particular that got to you?

me (4:13:57 AM): umm… perhaps the honesty in which he viewed himself like when he said he doubted himself when he went on stage and gave speeches when he was younger

me (4:14:21 AM): it hit a really insecure spot within me

peep (4:14:32 AM): yeah that’s the thing; he has a very humanistic approach

peep (4:14:44 AM): doesn’t deny the harsh realities and shortcomings that we all have

peep (4:14:51 AM): that’s what makes his words so accessible for us

peep (4:14:54 AM): he’s doesn’t talk down to us

peep (4:15:04 AM): he speaks to the insecurities and very real challenges we all face

me (4:15:16 AM): yes.

me (4:15:29 AM): perhaps knowing i wasn’t teh only one

me (4:15:39 AM): released a lot of tention

peep (4:15:44 AM): yess definitely

me (4:15:47 AM): tension*

peep (4:15:50 AM): honestly

peep (4:15:59 AM): this is the message and mission I’m longing to spread

peep (4:16:03 AM): in general

peep (4:16:26 AM): that we’re all humans, we’re all sinners

peep (4:16:39 AM): but that we should never be scared or afraid to be ourselves

peep (4:16:41 AM): yeah

me (4:16:47 AM): no no go on

peep (4:17:08 AM): I think, despite how obvious this sounds

peep (4:17:23 AM): it’s a philosophy that runs in stark contrast to most “islamic” organizations and institutions

peep (4:17:25 AM): in modern times

peep (4:17:51 AM): that’s why we see more and more teenagers by the truckload become disillusioned and dissatisfied with their muslim communities

peep (4:18:04 AM): they are repelled because of who they are

me (4:18:16 AM): stark in most “islamic” theology and attitude in modern times as well

me (4:18:18 AM): yes

me (4:18:21 AM): i concur

me (4:18:29 AM): go on

peep (4:18:43 AM): wallah that’s it

peep (4:18:45 AM): but basically

peep (4:18:59 AM): that is the mentality I’m setting out to challenge

peep (4:19:12 AM): even if it becomes my life’s work

me (4:19:33 AM): it’s a mentality I have had to fight so hard against

peep (4:19:49 AM): yes

peep (4:19:55 AM): and you are by far not the only one

peep (4:19:59 AM): and you know

peep (4:20:06 AM): this isn’t something necessarily confined to Islam

peep (4:20:18 AM): but a universal mentality that has become so prevalent

peep (4:20:25 AM): the world ove

peep (4:20:25 AM): r

peep (4:20:36 AM): it’s what’s decaying the world

me (4:21:13 AM): ah yes, self-righteousness revolts me— and in fighting sometimes we’re not too sure of ourselves esp when we see we’re the only one

me (4:21:28 AM): so he saying “it’s ok”

me (4:21:46 AM): released …

me (4:22:16 AM): i don’t know, but it’s good to release but it’s not a permanent fix

peep (4:23:06 AM): yes

peep (4:23:16 AM): releasing is just a means of coping

me (4:23:29 AM): I seem to do a lot of that

me (4:23:36 AM): in general

peep (4:23:38 AM): the chemotherapy of the soul

me (4:24:00 AM): does it kill off a part of it too?

peep (4:24:08 AM): perhaps

me (4:24:11 AM): perhaps the weak part?

peep (4:24:17 AM): but it is a temporary solution

me (4:24:21 AM): but a little good too

peep (4:24:22 AM): that does not cure

me (4:24:32 AM): yeah, it’s not a cure at all

me (4:24:45 AM): and i wonder if in resides inside of me

me (4:25:02 AM): or is that resignation in it self?

peep (4:25:56 AM): no

peep (4:26:00 AM): I think it lies in everyone

peep (4:26:20 AM): I mean

peep (4:26:27 AM): the world has not always been this way

peep (4:26:37 AM): jerks haven’t always been running the world

 

peep (4:29:28 AM): do you think it’s bad

peep (4:29:42 AM): that I’m uncomfortable with people that quote the Prophet more than they use their own words?

me (4:30:00 AM): nope

peep (4:30:09 AM): it just unsettles me

peep (4:30:14 AM): and it unsettles me that it unsettles me

peep (4:30:33 AM): but it’s as though they do not disseminate the information for themselves

peep (4:30:46 AM): but who am I to judge

me (4:30:56 AM): but simply spew it

me (4:31:12 AM): like self-righteousness

me (4:31:17 AM): i understand

peep (4:31:19 AM): no

peep (4:31:24 AM): I wouldn’t say self righteousness

peep (4:31:27 AM): just a laziness

peep (4:31:35 AM): unwilling to form their own opinions and insights

me (4:31:45 AM): but self-righteousness is born from laziness

peep (4:31:47 AM): instead of building off the beauty of the messenger

peep (4:31:59 AM): using his light to ignite their own flame

peep (4:32:07 AM): they simply become parasites

me (4:32:57 AM): indeed, what i meant is that such laziness is what’s given birth to self-righteousness

peep (4:33:04 AM): sure

peep (4:33:06 AM): yes

peep (4:33:13 AM): I think that’s one of the roots of self righteousness

peep (4:33:22 AM): but not all people like that are necessarily self righteous

peep (4:33:28 AM): they are simply… caged

peep (4:33:37 AM): the self righteous are those that are caged

peep (4:33:46 AM): but squack loudly

peep (4:33:49 AM): *squawk

me (4:34:29 AM): caged… yes, so you see that, and distress over it

me (4:34:34 AM): it’s a foresight

me (4:34:41 AM): do not degrade it

peep (4:34:46 AM): I don’t

peep (4:34:52 AM): I feel an urgent fervor

peep (4:34:55 AM): to reach out to them

peep (4:35:02 AM): to bring them into the infinite fields

peep (4:35:13 AM): to smell the roses of love, laughter, contentment

peep (4:35:24 AM): and to drink from the river of enlightenment and self-awareness

me (4:35:46 AM): some people hold on to their boxes

me (4:35:52 AM): the light blinds them

me (4:36:02 AM): and they reside therein

peep (4:36:11 AM): it is my weakness that I have trouble leaving them be

me (4:36:18 AM): limiting there own potential

me (4:36:25 AM): weakness

me (4:36:27 AM): nay

me (4:36:30 AM): strength

me (4:36:41 AM): most don’t care enough

me (4:36:47 AM): don’t feel enough

me (4:37:02 AM): do not hinder yourself because they do

me (4:37:14 AM): and that is their “norm”

me (4:37:28 AM): the norm of boxy people

me (4:37:42 AM): who don’t see the extent of the sky

peep (4:37:49 AM): but I want them to

me (4:37:49 AM): and horizon

peep (4:38:06 AM): I’m not so selfish that I want to sit on a secluded beach and watch the sun rise all by myself

peep (4:38:16 AM): I want the world to sit on one big towel

peep (4:38:19 AM): and get a sun tan

peep (4:38:21 AM): together

me (4:38:31 AM): and wear sun screen

peep (4:38:37 AM): (and we’ll remember to wear sunscreen)

peep (4:38:39 AM): haha

me (4:38:44 AM): haha

me (4:39:10 AM): I do not say be selfish, in fact fight

me (4:39:22 AM): but know you won’t always win

peep (4:39:26 AM): yes

me (4:39:30 AM): have heart

peep (4:39:33 AM): I guess I just need reassurance

peep (4:39:37 AM): that fighting is the right thing

me (4:39:38 AM): but use the brain as well

me (4:39:46 AM): indeed

peep (4:39:49 AM): and that I shouldn’t just resign myself to let them be

me (4:39:54 AM): it’s “coping”

peep (4:40:00 AM): aiywa

peep (4:40:01 AM): so

peep (4:40:03 AM): we become the cure

me (4:40:10 AM): inshAllah

peep (4:40:15 AM): we are the rope of Allah

me (4:40:18 AM): and our sincerity

me (4:40:20 AM): is the needle

me (4:40:47 AM): oye lets not get self-rightious now

peep (4:40:51 AM): hahaha

 

insightfulhomie (4:27:58 PM):salams

me (4:28:04 PM):salaam

insightfulhomie (4:28:38 PM):so i read for 2 hours near the end of the autobio of malcolm x and i cried…..its amazing

me (4:29:04 PM):it’s one of teh best books I ever read

me (4:29:09 PM):the author became muslim

me (4:29:11 PM):i met him

insightfulhomie (4:29:18 PM):alex haliey?

me (4:29:23 PM):yes

insightfulhomie (4:29:49 PM):yeah malcolm x is like no word describes him than a humble wow

me (4:30:09 PM):he truly was a man of truth

me (4:30:16 PM):and persuaded it fearlessly

me (4:30:22 PM):and he was humble

me (4:30:42 PM):he took back all he’s invested beliefs before hand

me (4:31:10 PM):and he persuaded anything he thought had truth no matter what the cost–esp his own

me (4:31:12 PM):he was strong

me (4:31:21 PM):insh’Allah we can learn from him

insightfulhomie (4:31:31 PM):if god wills it.

insightfulhomie (4:31:35 PM):yeah

insightfulhomie (4:31:40 PM):like the part that i cried at

insightfulhomie (4:31:46 PM):was when after mecca

insightfulhomie (4:31:47 PM):he

insightfulhomie (4:32:24 PM):says ” Dr. Azzam said Ma’shallah meaning ( if god wills it)”

insightfulhomie (4:32:35 PM):and i cried because even though i speak arabic fluently

insightfulhomie (4:32:38 PM):half the time

insightfulhomie (4:32:41 PM):everytiem we say

insightfulhomie (4:32:43 PM):inshallah

insightfulhomie (4:32:45 PM):or mashallah

insightfulhomie (4:33:14 PM):we say it soooooo fast we just mumble together the word and like as a result of that we mumble and take away from its meaning

insightfulhomie (4:33:19 PM):like last night

insightfulhomie (4:33:27 PM):i realised that ma’shallah

insightfulhomie (4:33:29 PM):means

insightfulhomie (4:33:34 PM):what ever god wills

insightfulhomie (4:33:58 PM):like i said it SLOWLY for the first time in my life and im like WOW its actually ARABIC!!!

insightfulhomie (4:34:15 PM):idk, liek that really touched me…

insightfulhomie (4:34:31 PM):ok ilana, i gtg

insightfulhomie (4:34:34 PM):peace

me (4:34:50 PM):oye I understand completely

me (4:34:57 PM):and i am sorry you have to go

me (4:36:44 PM):but yes, we take advantage of such beautiful phases Allah has betost on us. and i am incredibly honored you shared your insight with me–truly god-willing you will have many many many more that fill you up so much that they move you to tears with haqq

me (4:36:47 PM):peace

I wasn’t intending to post this conversation but I felt it had a lot of merit… (eventually, heehee)

 

OYEhoi (2:52:37 AM):my compliments on your artistic skills

me (3:05:39 AM):ditto

me (3:06:20 AM):but we both know the quality of the hand–a gift from Allah is no reflection on the quality of the heart

me (3:06:28 AM):not to sound preachy

me (3:06:36 AM):but it reminds myself as well

OYEhoi (3:06:54 AM):reminds you of what

me (3:07:56 AM):that my talents aren’t a reflection of inside

me (3:08:10 AM):and Allah has really blessed me

me (3:08:23 AM):I sing, dance and draw pretty well

OYEhoi (3:08:36 AM):artist huh

OYEhoi (3:08:40 AM):thats me

me (3:08:41 AM):and write if I use word

me (3:08:45 AM):but

me (3:09:05 AM):it probabaly wears on my soul

me (3:09:25 AM):I’m most probably not as good, humble, modest inside

me (3:09:29 AM):as I would be

me (3:09:39 AM):if I didn’t have these talents and skills

OYEhoi (3:10:01 AM):i doubt that

OYEhoi (3:10:10 AM):no one stays at their same level of eeman forever

OYEhoi (3:10:36 AM):so if you dislike your level of eeman right now and wish it were higher, than you can make it so, regardless of what skills you have or what you are / aren’t like inside

me (3:11:05 AM):perhaps

me (3:11:08 AM):but..

me (3:11:19 AM):remember when you were graaky

me (3:11:25 AM):back in highschool?

me (3:11:38 AM):awkward

OYEhoi (3:11:47 AM): graaky = ?

me (3:11:50 AM):probably braces, pimples,

me (3:11:58 AM):geeky

me (3:12:19 AM):ya3ni, going to the growing phase

OYEhoi (3:12:19 AM): ummm

OYEhoi (3:12:20 AM): well

OYEhoi (3:12:29 AM): i wasnt that geeky … no pimples or braces

OYEhoi (3:12:33 AM): but ya i know wht u mean

me (3:12:34 AM):LOOOLLz

me (3:12:46 AM):me neither but I think you get what I mean

me (3:13:18 AM):when I say insecurity perhaps does hold some real haya

me (3:13:28 AM):or does it?

me (3:13:38 AM):I have always felt it has…

me (3:13:43 AM):or assumed

OYEhoi (3:13:50 AM): insecurity equals haya?

me (3:13:51 AM):becasue as I

me (3:13:58 AM):ummm

me (3:14:02 AM):idk

me (3:14:06 AM):let me think

me (3:14:16 AM):makes you truly modest

me (3:14:22 AM):truly humble

me (3:14:34 AM):wouldn’t you say?

OYEhoi (3:15:02 AM): wait

OYEhoi (3:15:10 AM): you’re saying insecurity makes you feel modest>

OYEhoi (3:15:11 AM): ?

me (3:16:04 AM):yes, because frankly the fear I feel from insecurity never hindered me and probably made me “truly” brave

OYEhoi (3:16:31 AM): perhaps there might be a better word for it

me (3:16:50 AM):maybe

me (3:17:08 AM):but you can’t help agree, s3?

OYEhoi (3:17:33 AM): i’ll agree with it if I understand more accurately what you’re trying to say

me (3:31:42 AM):then I’ll try a different venue

me (3:31:46 AM):ummm

me (3:31:49 AM):the artist

me (3:32:00 AM):when the artist draws bad

me (3:32:08 AM):he knows he draws bad

me (3:32:36 AM):perhaps he thinks he draws very very very bad

me (3:32:43 AM):but he only draws bad

OYEhoi (3:32:49 AM): okay

me (3:32:59 AM):but because of this dynamic

me (3:33:09 AM):he thinks he is so bad

me (3:33:30 AM):he has made his heart of gold

me (3:33:38 AM):he is humble

me (3:33:43 AM):truly modest

OYEhoi (3:33:48 AM): okay

me (3:33:55 AM):and kind to any who draw

OYEhoi (3:33:59 AM): (only God would truly know, I think)

me (3:34:16 AM):let’s just say this is a fact….i am not done

me (3:34:28 AM):now

me (3:34:35 AM):he draws

me (3:34:39 AM):and draws

me (3:34:48 AM):and practices

me (3:34:57 AM):and he gets good

me (3:35:03 AM):very very good

OYEhoi (3:35:18 AM): okay

me (3:35:19 AM):and he acknowledges now he is pretty good me (3:35:26 AM):so

me (3:35:48 AM):he has lost this “true humility and modesty”

me (3:36:00 AM):and when people compliment him

me (3:36:22 AM):he thanks them and bows his head

me (3:36:30 AM):in a humble manner

me (3:36:41 AM):but he knows inside he is good

me (3:36:57 AM):and thus not truly humble

OYEhoi (3:36:58 AM): pride has grown inside of him

OYEhoi (3:37:16 AM): its a constant struggle, Ilana, to keep pride away, to keep the whispers of Shaytan away

me (3:37:30 AM):even knowledge is pride aye?

OYEhoi (3:38:18 AM): hmm

OYEhoi (3:38:38 AM): if it makes one think that he acquired it out of some “right” of his to do so

OYEhoi (3:38:47 AM): whereas in fact it was given to him by God

OYEhoi (3:38:50 AM): to test him with

me (3:38:54 AM):no no

me (3:39:11 AM):well..

me (3:39:12 AM):hmm

 

me (3:39:29 AM):I think that was the point of the convo

me (3:39:31 AM):hmm

me (3:39:45 AM):and maybe you cannot separate the two

OYEhoi (3:39:49 AM): possibly

me (3:39:50 AM):knowledge and pride?

OYEhoi (3:39:58 AM): i think you can

OYEhoi (3:40:04 AM): many of the sahabaa had knowledge

me (3:40:05 AM):eik min

OYEhoi (3:40:08 AM): but they werent proud

me (3:40:08 AM):please

me (3:40:13 AM):ahh true

OYEhoi (3:40:14 AM): sure, continue

me (3:44:12 AM):ok, since the artist knows he is good at drawing–there’s no true humility is there? Even if he constantly reminds himself that his skill is from Allah alone and that the quality of his soul has nothing to do with it…. but still he has lost that beautiful and painfully acquired humility…. and thus loses

me (3:44:32 AM):?

OYEhoi (3:45:25 AM): thats the problem with drawing figures

OYEhoi (3:45:32 AM): that you try to make it better

OYEhoi (3:45:36 AM): or as good as possible

OYEhoi (3:45:46 AM): and thus you’re trying to emulate the Creator

me (3:45:55 AM):Yaar

me (3:46:03 AM):you TOTALLY LOST THE POINT

me (3:46:10 AM):TOTALLY

me (3:46:22 AM):I am going to throw a CHAPAL at you

me (3:46:35 AM):*anguish*

me (3:46:45 AM):read it again

me (3:47:12 AM):ok, lets say the artist draws Qur’an, phir?

OYEhoi (3:47:15 AM): ok

me (3:47:20 AM):there’s no difference

OYEhoi (3:47:23 AM): thats an inanimate object

me (3:47:28 AM):he still knows he is good

OYEhoi (3:47:38 AM): [because people say he is]

me (3:47:50 AM):animate, inanimate–that’s not the point

me (3:48:00 AM):the point is skill

me (3:48:07 AM):acknowledgment

me (3:48:20 AM):and the nature of your soul

me (3:48:23 AM):!

me (3:48:29 AM):read it again

OYEhoi (3:49:38 AM): it would take a longer conversation to discuss the point Ilana

OYEhoi (3:50:00 AM): because then we’d get into a debate of whether he’s been drawing just as long as he’s been trying to acquire humility

OYEhoi (3:50:01 AM): see?

me (3:50:01 AM):ooyye your tired..

me (3:50:15 AM):OMA

me (3:50:16 AM):yaar

me (3:50:22 AM):change it to a singer

me (3:50:27 AM):not an artist

me (3:50:36 AM):that halal enough for you?

me (3:50:47 AM):or qur’an recitor

me (3:51:21 AM):he recited qur’an badly

me (3:51:24 AM):badly

me (3:51:31 AM):then he improved

OYEhoi (3:52:04 AM): okay

OYEhoi (3:52:12 AM): that was his goal of course

me (3:52:13 AM):and whereas in before he knew he recited Qur’an not so well and thought EVERYONE was better then him

OYEhoi (3:52:19 AM): okay

OYEhoi (3:52:23 AM): go on

me (3:52:26 AM):and was truly humble

me (3:52:38 AM):and then he becomes better

me (3:52:46 AM):and he knows this

me (3:52:52 AM):that he has become better

OYEhoi (3:52:55 AM): right

me (3:53:09 AM):and by knowing that he has become better

me (3:53:27 AM):he has lost “true” humility

OYEhoi (3:53:35 AM): well

OYEhoi (3:53:44 AM): let me give you a small point to think about

OYEhoi (3:53:47 AM): in this

me (3:53:48 AM):whereas in before he thought everyone was better then him

OYEhoi (3:53:49 AM): what if

OYEhoi (3:54:10 AM): he continues to become better at reciting the Qur’an, and even as he becomes better, he recites it alone

me (3:54:22 AM):(so his soul becomes worst?)

OYEhoi (3:54:30 AM): he doesn’t recite in front of others because he’s afraid they might say “ohhhh mashallah what a beautiful voice”

OYEhoi (3:54:47 AM): he does it alone because he is afraid of the people, and he is afraid of his own intentions

OYEhoi (3:54:59 AM): the Sahaba used to constantly question their intentions

me (3:55:02 AM):ok

me (3:55:10 AM):i understand and like that

me (3:55:13 AM):but

me (3:55:20 AM):lets say he talks

me (3:55:39 AM):and just by talking people can tell he has a nice voice?

me (3:55:54 AM):and he knows it

me (3:56:04 AM):shall he never talk? wear niquab?

OYEhoi (3:56:20 AM): lol

me (3:56:20 AM):in order to improve himself? but the point is

OYEhoi (3:56:36 AM): well theres a difference between just talking and actually reciting the Qur’an

me (3:56:38 AM):does his soul truly suffer?

OYEhoi (3:56:45 AM): like me, people have always commented on my voice

OYEhoi (3:56:53 AM): they say its the most memorable thing about me

OYEhoi (3:56:58 AM): i just push that out ofmy mind

OYEhoi (3:57:06 AM): and continue talking as I normally do

me (3:57:21 AM):just but you remembered it now didn’t you?

me (3:57:33 AM):it’s not truly “out”?

me (3:57:35 AM):is it?

me (3:57:49 AM):you’ve acknowledged it

me (3:57:52 AM):inside

me (3:57:57 AM):you know it’s true

me (3:58:04 AM):you don’t act differently

me (3:58:07 AM):but

me (3:58:13 AM):has your soul

me (3:58:17 AM):suffered

me (3:58:24 AM):a lose of humility

me (3:58:29 AM):and modesty

OYEhoi (3:58:32 AM): perhaps a little

me (3:58:43 AM):if you otherwise had a horrid voice

OYEhoi (3:58:52 AM): but you always ask Allaah to give you the strength to regain the quality of soul that pleases Him

OYEhoi (3:58:58 AM): and you constantly ask Him for that

me (3:58:58 AM):see

me (3:59:03 AM):that is my point

me (3:59:10 AM):yes

me (3:59:14 AM):inshAllah

me (3:59:18 AM):but

OYEhoi (3:59:20 AM): what i’m saying is

OYEhoi (3:59:21 AM): Ilana

me (3:59:22 AM):my point

OYEhoi (3:59:25 AM): it goes up and down

me (3:59:25 AM):ok

OYEhoi (3:59:35 AM): yes, a person may lose some humility

OYEhoi (3:59:39 AM): due to various reasons

OYEhoi (3:59:51 AM): but he or she should always seek the help of Allaah in regaining what was lost

OYEhoi (3:59:56 AM): and it comes back

OYEhoi (4:00:01 AM): and then a bit is lost again

OYEhoi (4:00:03 AM): and so on

me (4:00:09 AM):ahhhh

me (4:00:13 AM):inshAllah

me (4:00:18 AM):I like that

OYEhoi (4:00:25 AM): do you remember the hadith of Hanzalah?

OYEhoi (4:00:37 AM): he was a Sahabi

OYEhoi (4:00:42 AM): crying by the side of the road?

OYEhoi (4:00:49 AM): he felt he had become a munafiq

OYEhoi (4:00:53 AM): so Abu Bakr came

OYEhoi (4:00:57 AM): and Hanzalah told him

OYEhoi (4:01:01 AM): and Abu Bakr felt the same way

OYEhoi (4:01:51 AM): they went to Prophet Muhammad … and he explained to Hanzalah that a person’s eeman goes up and down

OYEhoi (4:01:53 AM): its natural

me (4:03:29 AM):but for me personally I don’t just “feel” I know that if I didn’t have as many talents and blessings I had I would be more pure inside. and it’s not a question of eman, i don’t think, it’s a question of haya–the nature of it. but perhaps we purify our talents by serving HIM

OYEhoi (4:04:01 AM): so if you were devoid of talents and skills, then you think that would have been better for your eeman?

me (4:04:28 AM):yes, I would be truly humble—it’s not a question of eman

me (4:04:39 AM):it’s about humility

me (4:04:54 AM):and humility is loved by Allah

me (4:04:59 AM):it’s cleans the soul

OYEhoi (4:05:10 AM): i disagree politely :-)

OYEhoi (4:05:56 AM): the sholars always used to say that theyw ere envious of the sceintists and astronomers … because those two categories of men had more knowledge about the universe Allah made, and thus, they were more humble because they were so over-awed by Allaah’s creation

OYEhoi (4:06:00 AM): *scholars

me (4:07:28 AM):ok let me put it in this way: do you feel your soul would be more humble and pure if you didn’t have your nice voice?

OYEhoi (4:08:26 AM): hmm

OYEhoi (4:08:33 AM): possibly, yes

OYEhoi (4:08:43 AM): I cant discount that possibility

OYEhoi (4:10:00 AM): its different

OYEhoi (4:10:07 AM): if you’re talking about knowledge

OYEhoi (4:10:14 AM): then it can help one become more humble

me (4:10:22 AM):but the Qur’an reciter that use to recite bad and now good knows this is the truth–since he has felt the difference, yes?

OYEhoi (4:10:23 AM): Allah loves an educated believer more

OYEhoi (4:10:50 AM): he may heave felt the SWEETNESS of reciting the Qur’an better when he is alone to himself

OYEhoi (4:10:56 AM): but if he is reciting in front of people

OYEhoi (4:11:01 AM): and they praise him

me (4:11:07 AM):no no

OYEhoi (4:11:08 AM): then that might throw his ego off track

me (4:11:13 AM):your losing the point

me (4:11:25 AM):yes, that’s sorta the point

OYEhoi (4:11:46 AM): well I think I get your point, but I’m modifying it a little when I answer :-)

me (4:11:58 AM):yeah

me (4:12:00 AM):but

me (4:12:54 AM): lets pretend when you were little–your voice was horrid–squeaky and high like a girl

me (4:13:11 AM):you know how people treated you

me (4:13:16 AM):made fun of you

OYEhoi (4:13:19 AM): uhuh

me (4:13:25 AM):and you were truly humble

me (4:13:32 AM):but then you hit puberty

me (4:13:39 AM):and your voice changes

me (4:13:52 AM):and now people are hella nice to you

me (4:13:58 AM):you notice the difference

OYEhoi (4:14:03 AM): but thats natural

OYEhoi (4:14:05 AM): [you’ll have to pick a better example - no one made fun of my voice when iw as little, though;-)]

me (4:14:11 AM):you know your voice is da bomb

me (4:14:20 AM):mashAllah

me (4:14:23 AM):and even tho

me (4:14:27 AM):you know

OYEhoi (4:14:27 AM): sorry, continue

me (4:14:36 AM):it’s a gift from Allah

me (4:14:53 AM):your no longer truly humble

me (4:14:55 AM):ji?

me (4:15:08 AM):in this way

me (4:15:13 AM):I am trying to say

me (4:15:28 AM):that as talented as I, you another might be

OYEhoi (4:15:34 AM): uhuh

me (4:15:37 AM):I know that at least from myself

me (4:15:49 AM):it has taken a piece of humility from me OYEhoi (4:15:56 AM): then do this Ilana

me (4:15:58 AM):and made me worst then what i could be without it

OYEhoi (4:16:00 AM): its simple

OYEhoi (4:16:03 AM): do this

me (4:16:19 AM):and that saddens me

OYEhoi (4:16:21 AM): when you’re all alone, go into sujoud and ask Allah to help you get that humility back

OYEhoi (4:16:32 AM): and keep asking for it

OYEhoi (4:16:38 AM): thats all

me (4:17:04 AM):good bloody answer

me (4:17:07 AM):mashAllah

OYEhoi (4:17:13 AM): lol

OYEhoi (4:17:25 AM): hope it was clean, and not *that* bloody

OYEhoi (4:17:26 AM): haha

me (4:17:38 AM):damn, it’s been bothering me for sooooo long

me (4:17:45 AM):like forever

OYEhoi (4:17:49 AM): that you’re pretty?

me (4:17:55 AM):ughhh

me (4:18:02 AM):like everything combined!

OYEhoi (4:18:06 AM): hey dont get frustrated

me (4:18:16 AM):(I sound like a snob but who cares)

OYEhoi (4:18:22 AM): be articulate and say whats on your mind so we can figure it out

me (4:18:26 AM):LOLz

OYEhoi (4:18:28 AM): no, i dont mind if you sound like a snob

me (4:18:29 AM):yes

me (4:19:17 AM):the beauty, the dancing, the singing, the writing well, the drawing

me (4:19:22 AM):Alhudmuillah

OYEhoi (4:19:30 AM): l’artiste

me (4:19:34 AM):I am grateful

me (4:19:37 AM):but

OYEhoi (4:19:38 AM): alhamdulillaah

me (4:19:45 AM):idk

me (4:19:50 AM):you understand (I hope)

me (4:20:14 AM):and it brings me joy

me (4:20:17 AM):no doubt

me (4:20:21 AM):makes me love Allah

me (4:20:35 AM):for how much He has blessed me me (4:20:38 AM):alhudmuillah

me (4:20:42 AM):but still

me (4:20:53 AM):the haya… i wish was more

me (4:20:56 AM):blah

me (4:20:58 AM):blah

me (4:20:59 AM):blah

OYEhoi (4:21:04 AM): ok

me (4:21:18 AM):I totally have exposed myself

OYEhoi (4:21:23 AM): no you havent

OYEhoi (4:21:41 AM): its the wish of many muslims to want a higher state of eeman, of sweetness in their soul

OYEhoi (4:21:45 AM): and thats a good thing

OYEhoi (4:22:02 AM): the answer is just so freaking simple

OYEhoi (4:22:30 AM): get down in sujoud and ask Allaah for whatever you want, and ask Him as if you were asking a beloved friend or caretaker

me (4:22:35 AM):yeah I hate you

me (4:22:40 AM):for the sake of ALlah

me (4:22:42 AM):LOOOLLz

OYEhoi (4:22:42 AM): no problem

me (4:22:50 AM):it’s that easy

me (4:22:57 AM):and for a year

me (4:23:13 AM):I have been just waiting

me (4:23:20 AM):in torment

me (4:23:32 AM):in a tormented kind of state

me (4:23:43 AM):not knowing what to do

OYEhoi (4:23:50 AM): waiting for what

me (4:24:06 AM):when haya doesn’t color every action of ours

me (4:24:11 AM):of mine*

me (4:24:17 AM):like I felt it use to

me (4:24:58 AM):waiting for humility to just hit me in the face i suppose

me (4:25:09 AM):to come back’

OYEhoi (4:25:15 AM): because back then, your state of eeman was different

OYEhoi (4:25:19 AM): and now its different

OYEhoi (4:25:30 AM): dont be frustrated that it seems to have dipped a little

me (4:25:47 AM):ok eeman

me (4:25:52 AM):the sweetness of the soul

OYEhoi (4:25:57 AM): its everything

me (4:26:04 AM):it seems to have changed in me

OYEhoi (4:26:11 AM): beleif, the state of the soul, and its reflected in your actions and words

me (4:26:21 AM):I see beauty and joy in everything

OYEhoi (4:26:23 AM): go on

me (4:26:37 AM):and have become ssssssssssoooo greatful to Allah

me (4:26:45 AM):and become joyful myself

OYEhoi (4:26:51 AM): uhuh

me (4:26:52 AM):and I cry too

me (4:27:01 AM):because I feel so much

me (4:27:18 AM):but i feel it’s incomplete

me (4:27:24 AM):because

me (4:27:58 AM):when I was “emo”, felt a lot of pain, I also had a lot of humility

me (4:28:21 AM):and the pain I don’t wish back of course

me (4:28:58 AM):but the humility and purity I had which is better then now, i wish THAT back

me (4:29:02 AM):feel me?

OYEhoi (4:29:08 AM): yup, go on

me (4:29:14 AM):or you have no idea?

me (4:29:25 AM):well is my humility attainable without pain?

me (4:30:04 AM):that purity obtained without pain

me (4:30:15 AM):constant and overwhelming pain?

OYEhoi (4:30:19 AM): [i have an idea, but go on]

me (4:30:58 AM):because that pain depressed me

me (4:31:17 AM):and that colored dark the beautiful signs of Allah

OYEhoi (4:31:29 AM): k

me (4:31:33 AM):then I do not wish that back

OYEhoi (4:31:40 AM): do you know why you were in pain?

OYEhoi (4:31:44 AM): precisely why?

me (4:32:27 AM):let’s just say a lack of blessings from Allah as compared to now :-)

OYEhoi (4:32:33 AM): ok

OYEhoi (4:32:40 AM): once a man was walking along

OYEhoi (4:32:45 AM): head drooped down

OYEhoi (4:32:50 AM): he was kinda hunched over

OYEhoi (4:32:54 AM): Umar [ra] saw him

OYEhoi (4:33:04 AM): and asked “Why are you walking like that?”

OYEhoi (4:33:17 AM): so the man said “i’m trying to be humble, because we’re supposed to be humble”

OYEhoi (4:33:52 AM): so Umr [ra] said “No, thats not humbleness … you should walk upright and straight as God created you, wiith dignity … but behumble in your actions and speech”

OYEhoi (4:34:01 AM): what i’m getting at is Allaah will always test you in many different ways

OYEhoi (4:34:26 AM): its His sunnah .. that in this life

OYEhoi (4:34:29 AM): if you think about it in this life

OYEhoi (4:34:42 AM): Allaah has created NOTHING that gives you complete pelasure

OYEhoi (4:34:55 AM): whatever gives you pleasure will also, sooner or later, give you some sadness

OYEhoi (4:35:00 AM): money

OYEhoi (4:35:01 AM): kids

OYEhoi (4:35:05 AM): food

OYEhoi (4:35:07 AM): whatever

OYEhoi (4:35:27 AM): the only thing that will give you all pleasure and no sadness is His Mercy and Jannah

OYEhoi (4:35:41 AM): so yes, in this life you will always have pain and some sadness, and thats normal

OYEhoi (4:35:51 AM): but pain is NOT necessary to attain humility

OYEhoi (4:36:02 AM): sometimes you can learn humility through the examples of others

OYEhoi (4:36:15 AM): so just remember there is that distinction

OYEhoi (4:36:42 AM): Allaah has the power and ability of course, to create that humility in your heart without having you go through any pain

OYEhoi (4:37:27 AM): so seriously, in plain language … in english, in urdu, in arabiy, in whatever … ask Allaah to increase you in haya and humility

OYEhoi (4:37:38 AM): and to spare you from pain and misery and suffering

OYEhoi (4:37:48 AM): ask, and ye shall definitel recieve :-)

me (4:38:18 AM):(if you knew how wide I am smiling)

OYEhoi (4:38:33 AM): alhamdulillaah 3ala kulli haal

OYEhoi (4:38:56 AM): lol

me (4:39:08 AM)::DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

OYEhoi (4:39:13 AM): i try to give my help

OYEhoi (4:39:26 AM): only Allaah alone decides

OYEhoi (4:39:35 AM): whether it will have any effect or not

me (4:39:43 AM):of course but at least I am attempting to go somewhere

me (4:40:05 AM):and know how

me (4:40:14 AM):it’s weird

me (4:40:32 AM):I have never been able to explain fully this dilemma

me (4:40:55 AM):people say eman is like a ball

OYEhoi (4:40:57 AM): well, lets work it out then

me (4:41:04 AM):and we’re like paper

me (4:41:19 AM):not being to ever fully cover the ball perfectly

OYEhoi (4:41:30 AM): uhuh

me (4:41:31 AM):or without wrinkles

me (4:41:50 AM):and that mentality just makes you resign

me (4:41:59 AM):and in the end you don’t know what to do

me (11:21:14 PM): “‘Though it is possible to utter words only with the intention to fulfill the will of God, it is very difficult not to think about the impression which they will produce on men and not to form them accordingly. But deeds you can do quite unknown to men, only for God. And such deeds are the greatest joy that a man can experience.”
-Leo Nilolaevich Tolstoy

me (11:21:25 PM): wallah it’s teh truest thing on earth

me (11:21:38 PM): well not the “truest”

me (11:21:44 PM): but it’s up there

me (11:21:57 PM): you know when you keep it secert

me (11:22:06 PM): and the joy welds in

me (11:22:21 PM): I enjoy if your more ampt to analyze

me (11:22:26 PM): and love it more

me (11:22:37 PM): and gain a deeper a apperication for it

BLAH (11:22:49 PM): uhhh Illana

me (11:22:52 PM): perhaps more wisedom from it too

BLAH (11:22:54 PM): you lost me back there

me (11:23:02 PM): LOLz

me (11:23:07 PM): think not of it

me (11:23:14 PM): I lose many people

BLAH (11:23:43 PM): thats some pretty psychedelic philosophical stuff

me (11:24:05 PM): ?? umm?

me (11:24:21 PM): I don’t mean to guess at things I know least of

me (11:24:27 PM): grey matter you know

me (11:24:42 PM): that benifits no one

me (11:24:45 PM): in the end

me (11:24:55 PM): but you would agree no?

me (11:25:12 PM): or here i lost thee again?

me (11:25:15 PM): have*

BLAH (11:25:14 PM): hahahahaha

BLAH (11:25:16 PM): becharie

me (11:25:53 PM): HAHHA

me (11:25:57 PM): nevermind

BLAH (11:26:20 PM): just speak in plain english

me (11:27:17 PM): but i am dyslexic

me (11:27:22 PM): har har har

BLAH (11:27:45 PM): doesnt matter

me (11:36:19 PM): LOlz

me (11:36:24 PM): perhaps

me (11:36:37 PM): well do you want me to explain?

BLAH (11:37:19 PM): definitely

BLAH (11:38:31 PM): well?

me (11:38:44 PM): my mom called

BLAH (11:38:49 PM): o ok

BLAH (11:38:52 PM): take your time

me (12:06:19 AM): DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
I LOVE MY MOM

me (12:06:23 AM): HHEHEHEH

me (12:06:28 AM): ok ok

me (12:06:31 AM): i’lll chill

me (12:06:33 AM): LOOOOLLLz

me (12:06:36 AM): gosh

me (12:06:37 AM): heehee

me (12:06:39 AM): ok

me (12:06:40 AM): ok

me (12:06:46 AM): where were theeeeeeeee….?

me (12:06:49 AM): ahhhh

me (12:06:54 AM): attempting

me (12:07:01 AM): och’ay yaaaaaaaaaar

me (12:07:12 AM): vat i vas tryiiiiiinnnnnnnnnng

me (12:07:19 AM): to sayyyyyyyyy

me (12:07:24 AM): vas

me (12:07:26 AM): ya3ni

me (12:07:40 AM): when you do something for the sake of Allah

me (12:07:46 AM): just Allah (swt)

me (12:07:54 AM): you keep it secert

me (12:07:59 AM): and I was wondering

BLAH (12:08:03 AM): right

me (12:08:09 AM): like this beautiful gem

me (12:08:25 AM): this sunlight that you have in your