Born Confused

traveling, traveling, whilst home becomes alien… sleeping weird and odd hours and listening to stories upon stories in different languages

my dreams seem to intimate life sometimes in a exotic language –japanese, korean… or some hybrid and then that I will spend a whole night trying to figure out a single word and wake up with it forgotten.

reality is a blur and time seems to be running through my fingers like precious gold coins… falling… falling… falling…

trying to savior moments… but i have seemed to realize we don’t have the capacity to truly hold that fullness and feeling it is only the memory we truly cherish and long for but by then it’s gone.

what a futile existence.

my mind is fog… perhaps i dream reality. the line is no longer definite these days; there’s this wind of paint swirling my mind with the land of dreams wasting my existence away.

life is becoming a bore

dug up

I wonder if this is depression,

feeling languid and lame,

unable to see the sky,

a dark board on top of the brain,

you don’t feel moved to do

and laziness is your aspiration

you want to lounge around in the hell of vacation.

There’s a torment inside and iman so ill,

you still listen to your heart but your hand stays still,

motivation stagnant

and one person reminds you when you went rampad

singing loud with beauty

and now you blink surprised

startled inside

yes once I use to dance and sing

and now I delude myself with distractions

wanting immediate attractions

instantiously came and gone too soon

left my thinking heart a rune

is this depression?

Is this depression?

Not able to progress?

Is this depression?

Is this depression?

Feeling numb then less?

Is this depression?

Praying but to tired to feel blessed?

sick of muslims with existential crises

me: that’s what life is all about
if you never change your thinking
feel conflicted
DuP: there is a difference between crisis and growth
me: feel the disparity of the black and white
and filter the gray
DuP: chaos and harmonious understand
me: your not living
crisis gives raise to peace
it’s why we cherish it
love it
and miss it
the death of the spirit is being complacent
DuP: quite obviously
I agree 100% with everything you just said
I loath complacency more than anything else in this world
but
the opposite of complacency is not chaos
isn’t this useless schizophrenia that just tears you up
that only muddies the waters more
I favor clarity over chaos
but at the same time I’m always changing
every minute I grow
but I am never dissatisfied with who I am in the moment
but actually
what I’m referencing with my status
me: that’s different all together–but let me start from the beginning then–think of it as growing pains. sometimes you need to feel torn and then maturity settles in and you realize the zenith of being is that peace you feel in the twilight of gray and the storm of conscious, knowing you do whatever your heart feels right, and you can listen to your fitrah because it’s so loud
DuP: oh wow
yeah I totally agree with that
me: but it’s a hard state to maintain
DuP: no what I was referring to specifically is this this cultural schizophrenia that’s dragging us down as a people
me: growing pains
you play back and forth, you can choose what you feel is right, or what you want to be right
DuP: what I mean is
this fake dichotomy of
me: no one chooses the “right” all the time so me feel torn
DuP: “should I be a muslim or an american”?
to the point where they like castrate themselves out of frustration
it’s not pragmatic
it’s not helping
it holds us back
same with the al maghrib phenomenon
that encourages youth to ghettoize and isolate themselves from greater society
to stifle all sense of pluralism
and the reason it gains traction
is because it fills a social void
because kids feel out of place
and it gives them the chance to belong
and then the world loses
another bright mind to the lure of the box
me: … that’s a socialital issue eh? not metaphysical? Al Maghrib yeah–it does in a sense–depending what speaker they have…. sometimes people have the box to protect themselves, afraid of the gray and the slipperily slope, they are afraid and also want the pleasure of Allah… is not this life a prison for the believer?
DuP: fear should never be the primary motivating factor
nor should the need to rack up brownie points
me: sometimes love of Allah too
DuP: rabi’ah al adawiyah got it right
O Lord! If I worship You for fear of Hell, burn me in Hell,
and if I worship You in hope of Paradise, exclude me from Paradise.
But if I worship You for Your Own sake,
grudge me not Your everlasting Beauty.
that is the ultimate cornerstone of humanism
and why I’ll always consider myself a humanist
which will put me at odds with many traditional minded folk
me: i absolutely love that quote–hahahhahaha me too!
Humanist–Muslim
DuP: wordd up
that’s why I loved that atheist session at ifyc
remember that?
me: yes, I’ll never forget it
i went to his office
DuP: friendly atheist?
me: i don’t agree with him but i respect him
DuP: yeah
what I love is the sincerity behind that mentality
you know what I mean
they are motivated to do good, to help their fellow man for no other reason than out of pure care and concern
I deeply, deeply respect that