Born Confused

There I stood before a trap door
Goodwill’s flame aglow
Trusting, strong and unaware you were keeping score
Then someone anew made me aware
Of the darkening mist and betrayal’s twist
Grey encompassed my vision
And a weightless accompanied my fall
Someone I held close—I thought we saw eye to eye
Questioned me the most
And right after I tried to be a gracious host
He pushed me forward and down the pit of insecurities
I fell down the trap, sad, anger
A moment of feeling all too real
Confusion overtook me
How dare he!
Planning to distance myself
He lost a friendship with me!
Distain and lack of humor I will show
He pushed me here
Let him feel my lack of glow which he mocked
I walk on my own two feet
Let him desire my smile and friendship—a treat!
So now I look up the trap door
Blinking back tears and reflect a bit more
Realizing it’s all a reaction of a heart deeply sore
And what I truly want to do is cry
Not even concerned with “why”
Control—I must quell my heart
Praying to Allah is my start and drive
As I climb up the cave remembering to be thankful of the blessing of being alive
Another stone, a hurled to help me up
Following Sunnah
So I empower and actualize it within myself
Give true vengeance: to be guarded and kindest to enemies
Thus giving the world remedies’
Heart expands, hurt now turned into flame aglow
I climbed out the trap
And Alhumdullah came up with this rap

me: I was thinking about it
and beauty does hurt
kaz: how so
me: virtue
patience
modesty
kaz: how do those hurt
me: Because this is beauty that can only be encaptured by the heart. The majority of people can see with their eyes, hear wih their ears and smell with their noses. But Allah swt only hand-picks a few of His slaves to envision and perceive through their hearts.
\kaz: beauty is in everyone
anyone can perceive and envision it
this is what surah rahman commands us to do
to recognize and appreciate and internalize His favors
me: which includes hardship and pain
kaz: but ultimately
you come to appreciate the beauty
and realize
you were only harming yourself all along
me: love is given to us by Allah
you agree?
kaz: of course
me: does it not hurt?
are there not trails to faith?
kaz: of course love hurts
but there is beauty in that hurt
me: is love not beauty?
kaz: that causes you to reflect
and ultimately embrace it as it is
the true believer is never grieved
me: no
kaz: because they know the instant they are tested with hardship
they are gaining reward for it
and it is a sign of God’s love
me: the best fiath is one that has been doubted
kaz: that they are being tested
me: questioned
and succeeds dispite it all
there is a reason why we can’t “see” Allah
in the shallowist of senses
kaz: sure
for me I have the greatest ownership of my faith
me: beauty hurts
kaz: and I felt I finally “converted”
me: my point is made
kaz: when I learned to question it
to no end
I don’t see how that says
“beauty hurts”
at all
because perhaps beauty does hurt
but it does not harm
because from that hurt comes remembrance of Him and a cleansed heart
hence
more beauty
beauty begets beauty
and God is a lover of that
me: but in a perverse heart beauty may harm. may that’s why some are always in hell. anyways to deny that beauty doesn’t hurt is to deny a key step in a process in beauty degeting beauty
and beauty can harm
beauty of women is a prime example
kaz: a step… exactly
but not the outcome
me: we’re on the net are we not?
sometimes an outcome
sometimes not
kaz: then that’s the heart’s fault for not recognizing
anyway
you’re making a case
not against my words
but the words of the Prophet
so I will go with the assumption that his contention is ultimately true
and I enjoy finding all the ways
of putting meaning behind his words
me: it is the fault of the heartthat why i am assuming there is hell
umm? i suggest you quote the hadith then
with Arabic for the purpose of this discussion
and haqq saying I am making a case against the Prophet(s) sounds awfully pretentious
self rightious much?
kaz: uh
all I’m saying
is that I directly quoted the prophet
and you’re directly saying it’s incorrect…
no pretentiousness homie
the way I work
I accept the truth of his words
and then use my own reflection and inquisition to attach my own meaning to them
and discussing this with you
has been an excellent way of doing that
me: one sec
sorry I am a little busy
me: ok kaz
send me the hadith
with the soucre and all
or as much as you know
and I’ll get back to thee
inshAllah
kaz: ok…
I’m not really interested in getting into a debate over the validity of the hadith
here it is in full
me: not validity
perhaps
but meaning
arabic is a maze

read what you want into it…

“Women are not created weaker but more generous than men. They’re created more beautiful and less fierce, as beauty hates to hurt and harm others. That’s why they seem weak to people, but they’re not. Angels are the strongest created beings, and women are closer to the angelic nature than men, as they’re readier than men to carry angelic light. It’s the good manners and ethics of spirituality which they carry that makes them less forceful than men.They undergo great upheavals in their body without flinching for the sake of childbirth, and face the direst physical conditions more successfully than men because God has enabled them to ensure the survival of generations.”

~ prophet (later I found out that: [quoted from a friend] ” as for the relevant statement, like i knew it isnt really a hadith, and actually now that i read the whole post, i recognize exactly where it came from. this is all only a part of the Isra/Mi’raj literature quoted by Shaykh Nazim Haqqani of the Naqshbandi Sufi Tariqa, and this section quoted is a part of his speech which he gave a long time ago about that, which was later written down and published online
however a disclaimer:
the “mistake” is on the one who read these words of Shaykh Nazim, and assumed he was quoting a hadith, and then when he came to copying it said, “this is a hadith from the Prophet’s own description of what he saw in the Mi’raj”, and Shaykh Nazim never meant it to be taken as a hadith as such.
rather, Shaykh Nazim was speaking of his own vision and knowledge that he gained about some of the things the Prophet (alayhi salat wa salam) went thru during the Mi’raj; therefore, since Shaykh Nazim didnt attribute these words to the Prophet, then whoever wrote you in the conversation you posted shouldnt quote that as his words (alayhi salat wa salam), but realize that this is all from Kashf (spiritual vision) of Shaykh Nazim Haqqani.”) on with the conversation

me: umm perhaps then it would be best to say each side can be part of the reaction to beauty
but the thing is beauty is not an emotion…it can inspire them–but it isn’t a feeling–whereas love is..so love does have a counterpoint, whether that’s pain or hatred, etc.
kaz: yeah I’d abide to that

i need sajood.

Let’s talk about how much I hate myself

HATEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

HATEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
HAHAHAHAHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEEEEE myself

there. I want to cry back it’s within me.

BLAHHAHHAHHAHHA
bblllaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
breath
bismillah breath

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

*insert bad word* ASTAGHFIRULLAH

there

I hate myself

hate

HATE

me: (12:05:57 AM):sometimes when I am in pain I go into the rain and I make sure no one is looking and I just stand and let it wash over me and pray
someone: (12:06:40 AM):Ilana. when I’m in pain I just remember that God said He’ll never burden any soul with something it doesnt have the strength to bear and then the pain kinda loses its edge
me: (12:08:28 AM):mashAllah
someone: (12:09:07 AM):its possible that its different for me b/c I’m a guy
me: (12:09:46 AM):you are such a sexist–it’s the same
someone: (12:12:12 AM):lol i eas referring to the differences in thought processes in women and men and there are very clear differences
me: (12:13:06 AM):it’s cynical vs optimism it’s faith vs no faith it’s character and perception and the chemical of a males vs female I think have littel to do with it
someone: (12:14:05 AM):i was referring to emotions-driven female thought processes vs. logic-driven male thought processes
me: (12:14:45 AM):the difference is that you don’t trust your emotions
someone: (12:14:48 AM):for a woman in emotional pain, its harder for her to forget about it or overlook it than it is for a man [on average]
me: (12:14:52 AM):it’s all logic with you
someone: (12:15:03 AM):i’d rather trust logic than emotion
me: (12:15:29 AM):I’d trust balance dear
someone: (12:18:01 AM):logic is balance its not like logic and emotion are the equal and opposite ends of a scale, and you’re trying to stay in the middle
me: (12:20:53 AM):yes, in the nature world they would have some elements occurring of the opposite therein but would you not agree logic in it’s purest form is devoid of emotion meaning if justice is emotionless then there would be no retribution
someone: (12:21:47 AM):emotion, if not held in check by logic, misleads people
retribution?
me: (12:22:20 AM):and logic if not held in check by emotion misleds people
someone: (12:22:20 AM):how do you figure that? how does logic mislead people? me an example
me: (12:23:19 AM):okay, let’s kill all the people with genetic diseases so they don’t pass it on to the next generation or dispositism
someone: (12:23:44 AM):that has nothing to do with logic lol
me: (12:24:04 AM):oh? self-preservation of the human race isnt’ logic? of the future? wanting the best off-spring isn’t logic?
someone: (12:24:49 AM):in the context of human life, you have two logical choices in that scenario, and its far more logical to let someone with a genetic disease live in order to try and find a cure yeah but people with genetic diseases do not pose a mortal threat to the human race so you can’t argue the grounds of self-preservation
me: (12:25:31 AM):they might to you or your future off-spring so why not do away with them
someone: (12:25:49 AM):-yes that’s a faint possibility
me: (12:25:52 AM):wasting food and energy anyways
someone: (12:26:03 AM):and that possibility does not justify eliminating such people energy is constant food is replenishable if on the other hand it was some rapidly spreading contagious disease then logically, that justifies quarantine
me: (12:27:13 AM):or killing
someone: (12:27:17 AM):and even in such a dire scenario, killing them wouldn’t be justified
me: (12:27:35 AM):justifed?
someone: (12:27:38 AM):unless they pose a mortal threat, a clear and present danger to the majority
me: (12:27:41 AM):interesting word wrapped in emotion
someone: (12:27:53 AM):no
me: (12:27:58 AM):oh yes
someone: (12:28:01 AM):i meant logical, rational justification
me: (12:28:26 AM):and you sound like disopition right now
someone: (12:28:39 AM):lol
me: (12:30:22 AM):I am serious why are you laughing?
someone: (12:30:57 AM):because I don’t know what “disopition” means.
me: (12:32:06 AM):I meant Despocrary
someone: (12:32:24 AM):i don’t know what that means either
me: (12:32:51 AM):despotism
someone: (12:33:05 AM):oh, I see.
me: (12:33:16 AM):from democracy to despotism your dealing with grey not black or white in which I was dealing with. Your dealing with emotion ridden words like justice which is fueled buy a desire sometimes vengeance–revenge is apart of it but nature cutting another’s hand when they have cut off your own how does that initially serve? now if we were purely logical and could see the future we would choose a mode of action or judgment
someone: (12:37:15 AM):but we cant see the future
me: (12:37:22 AM):that would do the least harm I am talking about pure logic don’t loose the point.