Born Confused

On talking about the fear-zing post (sorry I took so long to post this)… I happen to witness an interesting discussion between two friends *popcorn*

person (12:50:40 AM):because I think the crown of wisdom is really higher consciousness
larka (12:54:14 AM): id rather seek that answer from someone who speaks from authority
person (12:54:21 AM):haha
person (12:54:23 AM):that’s fine
person (12:54:32 AM):but ultimately
person (12:54:41 AM):the task is on the individual soul
person (12:54:54 AM):to seek knowledge, enlightenment, and contentment
person (12:55:20 AM):and all of those are different for each and every seeker
person (12:57:22 AM):no matter what position of authority someone is in
person (12:57:33 AM):they can’t tell you the best way to please and express your love for your lord
person (12:57:45 AM):because God has made all as unique as snow flakes
person (12:58:28 AM):each pattern is exquisite and beautiful and completely different; but they’re all snowflakes and they all come from the same source
larka (12:59:22 AM): i enjoy talking about these things, but mainly with ppl who are willing to apply into action what they learn instead of offering arm-chair commentary, otherwise after a while its worthless discussing with someone about swimming for example if they never swam (which is what i mean by authority - i.e. someone who’s experienced himself what he’s talking about, i dont mean someone who is in some position like imam)
person (12:59:41 AM):ah wow
person (12:59:44 AM):harsh
person (12:59:48 AM):what does that mean exactly?
person (12:59:53 AM):putting it into practice?
larka (12:59:54 AM): “its nice to offer poetic opinions, lets see the real action”
person (1:00:01 AM):what does that mean?
person (1:00:06 AM):what would real action imply
person (1:00:25 AM):I can give you examples, I suppose, but really it’s a philosophy
larka (1:01:33 AM): “someone who *knows* the ins and outs details of the Jalal of Allah, and who acts accordingly”
person (1:02:12 AM):?
person (1:02:33 AM):why does it seem we overthink things?
person (1:03:25 AM):the main point I’ve been trying to make is that we should not cower in fear and let that guide our actions
larka (1:03:37 AM): that has authority”
larka (1:03:46 AM): but someone who says “oh i love Allah” but rarely ever for example sends salawat to Allah’s Prophet/Beloved… where is the authority in that?? where is the love? where is the proof?
person (1:03:47 AM):we should purify our intentions so that each and everything we do in life is transformed into an act of worship and an expression of love
larka (1:06:09 AM): im just saying there are ppl who speak from sultan (authority) and idhn (Divine permission), and other ppl who dont have that

larka (1:11:09 AM): “there are ppl that know for example that angels frequent a certain place, based on some hadith or another…. then there are people who go to that place and know the names of those angels… thats authority = direct experience of the knowledge passed down to us
larka (1:11:26 AM): there are ppl that heard from second-hard hearsay, or from some book, that the Prophet is alive… there are other people that go to Madina and offer salams to him, and hear him respond directly to them, thats authority
larka (1:11:48 AM): general statements like “purifying intentions” are good, but arent enuf for those people who want to go deep and arent satisfied with surface understandings of Islam
person (1:12:05 AM):no
person (1:12:11 AM):those people who are trying to go deep
person (1:12:18 AM):are trying to overanalyze
person (1:12:29 AM):those that try do be deep only ever end up drowning
person (1:12:39 AM):this is where sects arise
person (1:12:48 AM):different battling schools of thoughts
person (1:12:52 AM):all these different constructs
person (1:13:09 AM):dedicated to breaking apart and codifying and regulating our connection to God
larka (1:15:44 AM):u seem to think that by “going deep” i mean something mental or intellectual, which is missing the point entirely… no “overanalyzing” here, overanalyzing means that ur only using intellect and nothing else is being effected in you”
person (1:16:24 AM):then I really don’t understand the point this fellow is trying to make
person (1:16:37 AM):we’re talking about what motivates your actions
person (1:16:44 AM):the most basic of things
person (1:16:54 AM):I say the basic motivator should be love
person (1:16:58 AM):because that is the most sincere
larka (1:19:23 AM): well, you dont like the idea of “codifying” and “regulating” our conneciton to God… now some people experience God in that sense of cowering fear. are we gonna tell them “no u got it all the wrong way, u shudnt experience Him like that?
larka (1:19:41 AM):and if we’re talking about what motivates ppls actions, then your not really answering the topic of why/how the head of wisdom is the fear of Allah
person (1:20:14 AM):God is beautiful and loves beauty
person (1:20:19 AM):someone cowering out of fear
person (1:20:29 AM):is not appreciative of God’s beauty
person (1:20:36 AM):shadows cover everything
person (1:20:41 AM):and they’re frightened
person (1:20:49 AM):no one ever gets pleasure or contentment out of fear
person (1:21:21 AM):there’s no wisdom in constantly running and looking behind your back to see if you’re going to get whipped or not
person (1:21:35 AM):wisdom lies in true, constant consciousness
person (1:21:45 AM):that’s what taqwa really is
person (1:21:55 AM):you are constantly aware of His presence
person (1:22:01 AM):so you act accordingly
person (1:22:10 AM):you don’t act rashly because you fear what you may do to him
person (1:22:23 AM):having fear as the head of wisdom is an imbalanced mindset
larka (1:22:33 AM):bec those people know fully what this means: “O Allah, there is no safe place to hide from You except You, we run from You to You”
larka (1:22:49 AM):and then they move from that to a more advanced state
larka (1:23:25 AM):the Prophet (asws) said that in a famous hadith, i wouldnt contravene him
person (1:23:28 AM):perhaps it’s necessary to feel fear somewhere along the path to consciousness
person (1:23:38 AM):but that’s not the destination
person (1:23:44 AM):you should not be stuck on fear
person (1:23:57 AM):if all you feel is fear, then you are not running To Him
person (1:26:01 AM):alright
person (1:26:10 AM):though I don’t think we’re going to come to some easy agreement
larka (1:26:34 AM): the Prophet (asws) said that in a famous hadith, i wouldnt contravene him
those arent my words
i said i dont understand how that cud be, because i havent experienced or reached that height of wisdom, even tho i can come up with answers intellectually
yes, there is a pleasure and contentment deep in fear, when it applies to Allah, like that du’a i quoted
“we run from You to You”
which is found in the Qur’an
larka (1:32:16 AM):just as someone is supposed to experience the Jamal and Beauty of Allah, if someone is *only* experiencing that aspect of Him, then his knowledge of Allah is deficient and limited, the goal is to experience as many aspects of Him, including the Jalal (rigorous severity) of Allah, and the more encompassing knowledge you have of Allah, then the closer to completion u arrive at
larka (1:32:26 AM):and Allah puts some of His slaves in that state of “we run from You to You” because it is actually one of the quickest ways to be consumed in Allah
larka (1:32:39 AM):so Islam isnt a guessing game…. it requires experience of Allah’s Names and their meanings… *EXPERIENCE*
larka (1:32:50 AM):how does the Name of Wadud taste like? how does the Name of Quddus taste like? how does the Name al-Qahhar taste like?
person (1:32:51 AM):ok…
larka (1:32:59 AM):what are their effects in the heart? in the creation around one?
person (1:33:06 AM):but that’s exactly my point
larka (1:33:08 AM):just as at the same time being stuck in fear, and having that state of fear block or veil u from Allah is also a deficiency
person (1:33:16 AM):you experience the many beauties and intricacies of God
person (1:33:31 AM):but ultimately
person (1:34:37 AM):at the core of everything
person (1:34:37 AM):should be your true, unquavering love for Him
person (1:34:37 AM):this is the essential truth we must always return to
person (1:34:37 AM):and all along
person (1:34:37 AM):this is really all I’ve been saying
person (1:34:50 AM):props on “how does the Name of Wadud taste like? how does the Name of Quddus taste like? how does the Name al-Qahhar taste like?”
person (1:34:51 AM):that’s exactly the attitude we should be trying to emulate
person (1:35:01 AM):but we stick out our tongue
person (1:35:11 AM):because of our fervent love and desire
person (1:38:27 AM):to be closer to Him and to be enveloped in his mercy and compassion
larka (1:39:45 AM): alhumduillah
larka (1:39:46 AM):salaam
larka (1:39:51 AM):have a good night
larka (1:42:05 AM):alright…. i might have been a little rough, i hope you werent hurt or offended
person (1:42:21 AM):haha not at all
person (1:42:21 AM):see
person (1:42:21 AM):love motivates me
person (1:42:21 AM):loool
person (1:42:35 AM):that’s love in practice
person (1:42:50 AM):I accept what’s handed to me with contentment
person (1:42:51 AM):boo yaaa
larka (1:44:40 AM):ok good, salaam to both, and remember, talk is cheap

Ibby (11:06:16 PM):what are u feeling now ilana?
me (11:06:37 PM):a lot
Ibby (11:06:43 PM):can u stretch and freely move ur arm?
me (11:06:56 PM):yes alhudmullah
Ibby (11:07:01 PM):good
me (11:07:08 PM):hahah
me (11:07:27 PM):for a sec i didn’t think you were talking aboutthe physical’
Ibby (11:07:50 PM):hahahaha that was cute
Ibby (11:08:01 PM):do u wanna go into the non-physical?
me (11:08:50 PM):it’s a challenge i like to undertake
Ibby (11:09:09 PM):why do u call it a challenge?
Ibby (11:09:25 PM):(i can see why but want to hear it from u)
me (11:09:27 PM):becasue it’s easy to ignore it all
me (11:09:36 PM):to not think
me (11:09:51 PM):accept things the way they are
me (11:09:52 PM):LOOOLLZ
Ibby (11:21:45 PM):lemme share some things with u from this old book i have
Ibby (11:22:21 PM):”Humility is the silencing of one’s innermost being while reverentially witnessing Allah (Most High)”
Ibby (11:22:43 PM):”Humility is a humbled low state that comes upon the heart when the Lord is disclosed”
Ibby (11:23:08 PM):”Humility is the melting and hiding of the heart in the presence of the Sovereign King of Truth”
Ibby (11:23:30 PM):”Humility is the prelude to being overwhelmed and overpowered by awe”

Ibby (11:26:07 PM):here think of this
Ibby (11:26:22 PM):”arrogance toward one who is arrogant to you on account of his wealth, is humility”
me (11:28:37 PM):*thinking*
Ibby (11:28:47 PM):hahaha
me (11:30:11 PM):what book is this from?
Ibby (11:30:17 PM):by the way those are all from “The Principles of Sufism” by Abu’l Qasim Qushayri
Ibby (11:30:35 PM):trans in english by a number of ppl
Ibby (11:30:51 PM):the trans here is some german guy named B. Von Schlegell
me (11:32:06 PM):mashAllah
me (11:32:13 PM):that’s supper cool
Ibby (11:34:24 PM):so what are u thinking
me (11:35:17 PM):I went to wash my face
Ibby (11:36:13 PM):were u crying? or something else?
Ibby (11:36:39 PM):”Shame is the heart’s contracting in order to exalt the expansive majesty of the Lord”
Ibby (11:36:48 PM):i like that one

My brain is on overload. Less then 8 hours of sleep per a week is critically detrimental. No sleep yesterday, barely any sleep today. Well, I’ll spare you a complaining rant. There is just so much work. Alhumdullah. It’s very cold too. It snowed two days ago. And there’s still bloody snow on the ground. Alhumduillah.
Went to the second day of Hanukkah celebration with Hillel and a discussion between Middle East Peace and Hillel about the two female activists–one from Israel, the other from Palestine—that came a couple of days ago.
It seemed it was the catalyst for discussion on Israel and Palestine and the informative and anecdotal discussion that followed was absolutely amazing. Middle East Peace, Hillel and MSA inshAllah is definitely doing a collation for events… the possibilities… my head, the experience, has still yet to put itself around.
Michael Young’s eloquent speech yesterday on Lebanon… that too, I have to think about. Unique. Profound. The specificity and art in which he talked with the philosophic art of vagueness definitely left an impression on me. Nevertheless, I have still yet to grasp (with a plaguing skepticism) all in which he entailed.
Perchance it is a resultant of a disadvantageous deficiency of slumber.
Afterward, I was dragged into another meeting with Middle East Peace. Hookah—appropriately named Lolita due to certain characters and charm of a balmy apartment, humming with warmth away from the Mistress of Icy’s domain outside, as a soliloquy of melody tinged the air; mixed, and captured a romantic air of philosophy, luxury and laze, even a slight sexuality with a spark of zealousness as we smoothly spoke… it was passed to me, but as tempting as it was to let the smoke relieve my burning eyes, I reached a resolution that until I knew how I felt about it first, without the biasness of context, pressure and ease… I wasn’t going to smoke. Maybe that’s an oxymoron in itself, dismissing something for myself before I’ve even tried it, but I know myself, apt to addiction yet I am so accepting of those who do it. It means nothing to me. But when the action involves myself, I am so indecisive and therefore refrain… I wonder if that makes me a hypocrite.
As I walked back to my dorm I looked at the chilling wide expanse of the sky; stars, dreams far away—but bright enough to capture the imagination of the future in a seemly defiance of time: the constant on which the consistency of concepts is measured.
Then I looked at the ground, wondering if I put pressure on a different part of the palm of my feet, if I lifted my foot and set it down in a slightly different way if it affected the way I felt and perceived the world.
Then a superficial spasm of vigor took over for a moment (I suspect it was the shivering flinch of goosebumps) and I jumped into the air, as if I expected I would fly off and instead came back to earth with a solidness bring back my aching sick head and with it a convoluted weakness that overtook me as I entered my dorm, away from the expanse of the sky.
Oye, never ending soliloquies with subconscious theoretical alienable truths tied in with incomprehensible metaphors seems to be a symptom of two hours of sleep. Perhaps I should get the third, since a busy day awaits me; as my computer takes it sweet time uploading blights.
Yes, defiantly I think I have bordered madness. I shall blame inclusive, defective Slumber that holds no defensive against the ever-powerful Obligations.