Born Confused

so the knowledge retreat at RIS is awesome mashAllah

(12:27 AM) me: so according to our lectures truth is contextualized
(12:28 AM) me: and God gives us what we can perceive
(12:28 AM) me: i like that a lot
(12:28 AM) pagil: deep
(12:28 AM) me: but umm
(12:28 AM) me: i was arguing and explaining this to someone
(12:29 AM) me: they said that through that reasoning, God gives us partial truth
(12:29 AM) me: and partial truth isn’t truth
(12:29 AM) me: it’s dishonest (therefore God would be dishonest)
(12:30 AM) me: but God isn’t relevant
(12:30 AM) me: arrational, right?
(12:30 AM) pagil: yeah i believe arrational was the word
(12:31 AM) me: yeah, it’s pretentious to make everything relevant when we know so little
(12:31 AM) me: and in relevance, there is no absolute
(12:32 AM) me: which in it self is an absolute
(12:32 AM) me: and therefore beats itself

I say the wrong words trying to show i care, clumsily i am with words trying to lift the burden you bear, but know what i said was from the heart, telling you I care is a start but know I spoke from best intention—just in case i needed to mention. And I hold my breath on a guessing game, a tilt on balance, dangerous, scared on how this will be received but now that it’s said and done i feel a bit relieved. hand on chin i rub thinking trying to keep my heart from sinking but shall i pursuit in caring? or leave you with all the bearing–thus my heart tearing?

Me: isn’t life werid
hahah
1:13 AM blah: its beautiful
me: i am in front of a computer screeen
typing
typing
LOOOLLz
for llike 2 hours
talking to a stranger, who isn’t totally a stranger
in another place
who is typing
blah: yup
me: typing
typing
1:14 AM blah: well, you’re having a conversation
me: also in front of a computer screen
haha
i suppose
but think about it
seeems ridiclious
blah: uhh
……….thinkng
…………………………..thinking
me: doesn’t it from a certain point of view?
blah: ……..thinking
1:15 AM …………………………………..thinking
………….thinking
………….thinking
………..thinking
……. SPLAT
me: hahhaa
no?
blah: doesnt seem ridiculous, no
me: you can’t image someone thinking
what the hell?
blah: you can converse F2F, on the phone, on IM, via video, etc
me: is he does in front a screen
1:16 AM yeah yeah
i understand
blah: does what in front of a screen? communicate with the other person? oo wow
me: but the wieght of words
simple words
to carry a convo consisting of nothing else
1:17 AM blah: just words
me: just words
blah: well you can describe your voice tone or body language
dances in his chair
me: and vague intuitiveness
blah: waves his arms
me: heehee
blah: gives a thumbs up
smiles
etc
whatever
me: but this same feeling over came me
1:18 AM i went in sajood
and i could image an athesis
blah: ic
me: thinking “what the hell?
bowing up and down so many times?
a fanatic?”
blah: heh
me: “ for what?”
blah: to a higher beaing
me: and i thought this to myself
1:19 AM and i great joy went through me
blah: masha’allah alayk
me: that it was so personal
secert
beautiful
blah: still feeling all joyie right now?
me: looked crazy
blah: were you smiling from ear to ear like crazy?
1:20 AM me: but just joy shot threw me
yeah i laughed
blah: alhamdulillaah :-)
me: in prayer
loollz
blah: in sujoud or in actual salah?
me: continue threw the whole thing
started in sajood
1:21 AM blah: k
me: a holy man advised i do more dhikir so it’s not so random
and it happens more often
1:22 AM
blah: istaghfar might be better
me: i think he looked down on me…
istaghfar?
blah: there’s a famous saying: “a dirty garment is more in need of cleaning than of perfume”
in this example
the dirty garment is one’s soul
cleaning is istaghfar
1:23 AM perfume is dhikr
…
yea Ilana, istaghfar … like, when you ask for forgiveness
thats not dhikr, thats istaghfaar
like when we say [sincerely] “astaghfirallah”
me: like asghfulllah in dhikir
1:24 AM blah: or the whole phrase “astaghfirallahi min kulli dhanbieu wa atooboo ilayh”
people sometimes refer to dhikr with astaghfar, but there is a difference
dhikr is rememebring and praising Allah
1:25 AM istaghfar is remembering Allaah and asking Him for forgiveness for all the big and small mistakes we make throughout each day
hence the saying … “a dirty garment is more in need of cleaning than of perfume”
me: and by doing this, i will have more joy in my prayer?
1:26 AM be more move?
moved*
blah: what Muslims really need in their prayers is khushoo
khushoo = sincerity
that brings the sweetness of eeman inside, and joy
1:27 AM me: yeah i think i expirence a type of khushoo
expirenced*
what do you think?
blah: what do I think about …… what you experienced?
1:28 AM me: you know what,
guess
blah: I think you experienced a type of joy, yes
1:29 AM me: if anything i’ll teach you intuitiveness
blah: inshallah
me: lol
ameen
blah: ameen
i can always learn from you
so feel free to teach
me: hahah

i still stay strong in face of so many wrongs; but am i mistaken, taken by seductions song and assume, feeling used, no longer confused, standing back but slightly amused by your hypocritical views and point it out? in kindness, not in shout, for there is a valued bindness or should i stay silent, as my heart becomes violent, and yet solid and firm, as i see your potential not to hurt an-other. my action displaced? for i am not your mother, a lack of taste? i wonder if you understand my case. or was this flow a waste?

How I wish I could comfort you, it hurts my heart to know your crying inside won’t stop, if I could give you my loveliness and joy I would even though your standing and you’ve stood pretending your made of wood but still I would like your head to be upon my chest so you may have a little rest and put your body to a restful slumber and ease; pleasantly dreaming on my knees

A wall of mirrors looks at me straight on, i scared to look back–a cowardly con? what will i see–where my soul is, a hole? will i see the life’s toll…a temperamental mistress she is, one moment her tresses caress another moment you stress condemners getting endorsement for thier enstonement unless you do enrollment to their version of enscrollment or send you to entombment. Or the horrid mistake might meet my eye–a tear falls, emboding a cry–a blight which cuts into me like a rake. thus i must confess to atest: humility honing the ability to know we have the capacity thus i remind myself for my sake, that theres a chance to advance and then given a choice to venture from righteous strive becoming evil in midnight’s twilight of gray mistaking it for fighting for enlightments ray. lesson is we must be humble becasue with lifes turns an curves, thunder rumbles, and in selfish shock we often stumble seeing our goodness crumble. tis human nature, thus is true, the question is will you stay by masses rule, or will you look in the mirror your soul a bit tier–and within starkes a lighter and says ‘i’ve no joy higher’. what with i see within me? distasteful spite or a blessing of happiness gift not from persuasion but the right done in the time determined as you run against the sun realizing in the end there was only one–yourself. and only God will tell if you’ve won.

I know I am within your eye. You think I can’t see? I plague your mind, you check the time—you know what I mean by this rhythm. You think I don’t know? You think I can’t see? I have other ways of knowing, without hearing it from thee.

*title: inside joke*

I made him smile I made him laugh remember his warm eyes alight when he looked upon me with insight, persistence and deeply and my heart went aglow ever so slow until I left the scene and realized infatuation’s skeem had taken something from my heart, and a sweetness none too tart–damn it I thought I was smart.

so confused, frustrated, used. just when i think i have got it down. a thought makes me frown and turn around, retracing my steps no less no more; i wonder whats the score. my head thumps my heart a huge mass of feeling, i step back the confusion reeling–stealing my soul my confidence my strength. a constant fight. as i take in perspective and of other judgments and beliefs i seek, it puts my life in their perceptive; and this insight is not because i am weak. i am so confused, but i know i wont lose. perhaps this feeling is like a sad intoxication, an absorbed sensation. first a weakness then turned into a beauty; hoping it won’t fall to usury in the ego which thus leds to abusery. i sign as i reevaluated myself; a fob uncle–too strict? or too laxed–and i need a mental whip? i wouldn’t mind a trip, now i totally understand it, but a vague grasp holds me too strong–is it the archaic right and wrong? but for now the gray wilderness, i confess, envelopes me. with it’s starry glitter night or is it light? or perhaps it’s a shuttering fuse, dizzying with complex beauty. happily giggling to confuse.
born confused.

it’s not about love but strength to help another when your afraid to. so i suppose love in a compassionate sense–but i just wanted to clarify.

head spinning. head sinning? this question in my head and in my heart as i dial numbers too farly spaced apart. now i started, advice was given to me. my leg twitches, my heart stitches and i hold my breath too soon. scared to have a mans heart on my plate, a wound? trust, bust, i clutch the blanket at my breast, hoping my voice will bring on rest–is this a test? And his voice comes out surprised, then low and hoarse sounding vulnerable trying to cover it up, inside, with comfortable slang, with a low flavor–a certain tang. he hangs on to his word certain yet unsure, afraid he doesn’t sound pure. he talks and then is at a lose for words. afraid the air, his trust, the peace might curd i say wisdom that not originally my own. but reconfigured, that in a way i recognized and figured out on my own. there will be no stone, only honesty and no stoning. honing on my past as a form of nostalgia, making use of those years of moan and morn. laced with advice i say there’s no scorn in being torn. there advice he has had a taste, and surprisingly he wants more. so slowly my fingers i tap, afraid that this fragile spell might snap. i look at my clock and think to myself vaguely there’s go the nap, i had wished upon, as the red numbers burn into my eyes like the sun. but then i go back to him the one. my feet slide on the carpet back and forth, reinforcing a fort, as a praise and a injured heartfelt thank you is said. i can only pray you mend, and perhaps i have taken it upon me to tend, a responsibility Allah has lent on a short, pricey rent. any goodness, any advice is heaven sent.
and then i look back to my screen, at it would seem that my peer adviser went up and fled to his stead, without a parting as if there was no starting. and i empty my head and heart of care with a resigned ’so what?’ which replies with: ’so there’. retreating back into my lair of homework, sleepless nights, aches until my streaght can be put to balm, applied with a sweet gentle song.
it lags my tongue. there i am done.

On talking about the fear-zing post (sorry I took so long to post this)… I happen to witness an interesting discussion between two friends *popcorn*

person (12:50:40 AM):because I think the crown of wisdom is really higher consciousness
larka (12:54:14 AM): id rather seek that answer from someone who speaks from authority
person (12:54:21 AM):haha
person (12:54:23 AM):that’s fine
person (12:54:32 AM):but ultimately
person (12:54:41 AM):the task is on the individual soul
person (12:54:54 AM):to seek knowledge, enlightenment, and contentment
person (12:55:20 AM):and all of those are different for each and every seeker
person (12:57:22 AM):no matter what position of authority someone is in
person (12:57:33 AM):they can’t tell you the best way to please and express your love for your lord
person (12:57:45 AM):because God has made all as unique as snow flakes
person (12:58:28 AM):each pattern is exquisite and beautiful and completely different; but they’re all snowflakes and they all come from the same source
larka (12:59:22 AM): i enjoy talking about these things, but mainly with ppl who are willing to apply into action what they learn instead of offering arm-chair commentary, otherwise after a while its worthless discussing with someone about swimming for example if they never swam (which is what i mean by authority - i.e. someone who’s experienced himself what he’s talking about, i dont mean someone who is in some position like imam)
person (12:59:41 AM):ah wow
person (12:59:44 AM):harsh
person (12:59:48 AM):what does that mean exactly?
person (12:59:53 AM):putting it into practice?
larka (12:59:54 AM): “its nice to offer poetic opinions, lets see the real action”
person (1:00:01 AM):what does that mean?
person (1:00:06 AM):what would real action imply
person (1:00:25 AM):I can give you examples, I suppose, but really it’s a philosophy
larka (1:01:33 AM): “someone who *knows* the ins and outs details of the Jalal of Allah, and who acts accordingly”
person (1:02:12 AM):?
person (1:02:33 AM):why does it seem we overthink things?
person (1:03:25 AM):the main point I’ve been trying to make is that we should not cower in fear and let that guide our actions
larka (1:03:37 AM): that has authority”
larka (1:03:46 AM): but someone who says “oh i love Allah” but rarely ever for example sends salawat to Allah’s Prophet/Beloved… where is the authority in that?? where is the love? where is the proof?
person (1:03:47 AM):we should purify our intentions so that each and everything we do in life is transformed into an act of worship and an expression of love
larka (1:06:09 AM): im just saying there are ppl who speak from sultan (authority) and idhn (Divine permission), and other ppl who dont have that

larka (1:11:09 AM): “there are ppl that know for example that angels frequent a certain place, based on some hadith or another…. then there are people who go to that place and know the names of those angels… thats authority = direct experience of the knowledge passed down to us
larka (1:11:26 AM): there are ppl that heard from second-hard hearsay, or from some book, that the Prophet is alive… there are other people that go to Madina and offer salams to him, and hear him respond directly to them, thats authority
larka (1:11:48 AM): general statements like “purifying intentions” are good, but arent enuf for those people who want to go deep and arent satisfied with surface understandings of Islam
person (1:12:05 AM):no
person (1:12:11 AM):those people who are trying to go deep
person (1:12:18 AM):are trying to overanalyze
person (1:12:29 AM):those that try do be deep only ever end up drowning
person (1:12:39 AM):this is where sects arise
person (1:12:48 AM):different battling schools of thoughts
person (1:12:52 AM):all these different constructs
person (1:13:09 AM):dedicated to breaking apart and codifying and regulating our connection to God
larka (1:15:44 AM):u seem to think that by “going deep” i mean something mental or intellectual, which is missing the point entirely… no “overanalyzing” here, overanalyzing means that ur only using intellect and nothing else is being effected in you”
person (1:16:24 AM):then I really don’t understand the point this fellow is trying to make
person (1:16:37 AM):we’re talking about what motivates your actions
person (1:16:44 AM):the most basic of things
person (1:16:54 AM):I say the basic motivator should be love
person (1:16:58 AM):because that is the most sincere
larka (1:19:23 AM): well, you dont like the idea of “codifying” and “regulating” our conneciton to God… now some people experience God in that sense of cowering fear. are we gonna tell them “no u got it all the wrong way, u shudnt experience Him like that?
larka (1:19:41 AM):and if we’re talking about what motivates ppls actions, then your not really answering the topic of why/how the head of wisdom is the fear of Allah
person (1:20:14 AM):God is beautiful and loves beauty
person (1:20:19 AM):someone cowering out of fear
person (1:20:29 AM):is not appreciative of God’s beauty
person (1:20:36 AM):shadows cover everything
person (1:20:41 AM):and they’re frightened
person (1:20:49 AM):no one ever gets pleasure or contentment out of fear
person (1:21:21 AM):there’s no wisdom in constantly running and looking behind your back to see if you’re going to get whipped or not
person (1:21:35 AM):wisdom lies in true, constant consciousness
person (1:21:45 AM):that’s what taqwa really is
person (1:21:55 AM):you are constantly aware of His presence
person (1:22:01 AM):so you act accordingly
person (1:22:10 AM):you don’t act rashly because you fear what you may do to him
person (1:22:23 AM):having fear as the head of wisdom is an imbalanced mindset
larka (1:22:33 AM):bec those people know fully what this means: “O Allah, there is no safe place to hide from You except You, we run from You to You”
larka (1:22:49 AM):and then they move from that to a more advanced state
larka (1:23:25 AM):the Prophet (asws) said that in a famous hadith, i wouldnt contravene him
person (1:23:28 AM):perhaps it’s necessary to feel fear somewhere along the path to consciousness
person (1:23:38 AM):but that’s not the destination
person (1:23:44 AM):you should not be stuck on fear
person (1:23:57 AM):if all you feel is fear, then you are not running To Him
person (1:26:01 AM):alright
person (1:26:10 AM):though I don’t think we’re going to come to some easy agreement
larka (1:26:34 AM): the Prophet (asws) said that in a famous hadith, i wouldnt contravene him
those arent my words
i said i dont understand how that cud be, because i havent experienced or reached that height of wisdom, even tho i can come up with answers intellectually
yes, there is a pleasure and contentment deep in fear, when it applies to Allah, like that du’a i quoted
“we run from You to You”
which is found in the Qur’an
larka (1:32:16 AM):just as someone is supposed to experience the Jamal and Beauty of Allah, if someone is *only* experiencing that aspect of Him, then his knowledge of Allah is deficient and limited, the goal is to experience as many aspects of Him, including the Jalal (rigorous severity) of Allah, and the more encompassing knowledge you have of Allah, then the closer to completion u arrive at
larka (1:32:26 AM):and Allah puts some of His slaves in that state of “we run from You to You” because it is actually one of the quickest ways to be consumed in Allah
larka (1:32:39 AM):so Islam isnt a guessing game…. it requires experience of Allah’s Names and their meanings… *EXPERIENCE*
larka (1:32:50 AM):how does the Name of Wadud taste like? how does the Name of Quddus taste like? how does the Name al-Qahhar taste like?
person (1:32:51 AM):ok…
larka (1:32:59 AM):what are their effects in the heart? in the creation around one?
person (1:33:06 AM):but that’s exactly my point
larka (1:33:08 AM):just as at the same time being stuck in fear, and having that state of fear block or veil u from Allah is also a deficiency
person (1:33:16 AM):you experience the many beauties and intricacies of God
person (1:33:31 AM):but ultimately
person (1:34:37 AM):at the core of everything
person (1:34:37 AM):should be your true, unquavering love for Him
person (1:34:37 AM):this is the essential truth we must always return to
person (1:34:37 AM):and all along
person (1:34:37 AM):this is really all I’ve been saying
person (1:34:50 AM):props on “how does the Name of Wadud taste like? how does the Name of Quddus taste like? how does the Name al-Qahhar taste like?”
person (1:34:51 AM):that’s exactly the attitude we should be trying to emulate
person (1:35:01 AM):but we stick out our tongue
person (1:35:11 AM):because of our fervent love and desire
person (1:38:27 AM):to be closer to Him and to be enveloped in his mercy and compassion
larka (1:39:45 AM): alhumduillah
larka (1:39:46 AM):salaam
larka (1:39:51 AM):have a good night
larka (1:42:05 AM):alright…. i might have been a little rough, i hope you werent hurt or offended
person (1:42:21 AM):haha not at all
person (1:42:21 AM):see
person (1:42:21 AM):love motivates me
person (1:42:21 AM):loool
person (1:42:35 AM):that’s love in practice
person (1:42:50 AM):I accept what’s handed to me with contentment
person (1:42:51 AM):boo yaaa
larka (1:44:40 AM):ok good, salaam to both, and remember, talk is cheap