Born Confused

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJqPwmTioMs

AH! Ya Allah! How beautiful, how beautiful diversity is!

This warms my heart so much… (happy tears) *_*

Salaam

A conversation that has been going on in my head. I found real value in it. Still i am pondering it.

aiming, aiming, aiming–pretending for a little while, until I couldn’t breathe

 

me (10:58:31 PM):I feel really really bad

Randomwiseperson (10:59:13 PM):talk to me…

me (10:59:38 PM):no, I’ll confined to Allah (youtube.com/watch?v=KuKCda-cFew)

me (10:59:45 PM):just distract me will you?

Randomwiseperson (11:00:27 PM):ok, hmmm

Randomwiseperson (11:00:54 PM):is there a reason behind this youtube video, or just random sharing??

me (11:00:55 PM):distract me will you?
Not feeling so hot

Randomwiseperson (11:03:42 PM):where’d u go?

me (11:03:53 PM):i’m here

Randomwiseperson (11:04:15 PM):ok so is this youtube video related to anything that happened, or just random sharing?

me (11:04:56 PM):made me feel that my blog is the right thing to do

me (11:05:26 PM):to poor out my sadness

me (11:05:35 PM):ughhhhhhhh

me (11:05:44 PM):I feel really really melachoney

me (11:05:53 PM):I think I should go and pray

Randomwiseperson (11:06:36 PM):(are u going now?)

me (11:09:51 PM):yeah

me (11:09:56 PM):my chest is hurting

Randomwiseperson (11:10:23 PM):do u know any durood? aka salawat?

me (11:11:10 PM):huh?

Randomwiseperson (11:11:28 PM):ok once u come back maybe i can talk about it

me (11:12:20 PM):sure, after I pray

me (11:12:43 PM):salaam

Randomwiseperson (11:12:54 PM):wa alaykumsalaam

Later

Randomwiseperson (1:47:28 AM):(my name) how are u feeling?

me (1:47:42 AM):sincerity

me (1:48:02 AM):alhumduillah

Randomwiseperson (1:50:13 AM):its usually what i tell everyone but i hope the email helped

Randomwiseperson (1:50:31 AM):how do u feel sincerity?

me (1:50:35 AM):I appreciate it

me (1:51:09 AM):I just do, and frankly I feel it’s fragile and I don’t reall want to analyze it

me (1:51:15 AM):it’s there though

Randomwiseperson (1:51:18 AM):J

Randomwiseperson (1:51:42 AM):ok i shud let u go

me (1:52:36 AM):when I need to leave I will tell you

Randomwiseperson (1:52:46 AM):lol aww

Randomwiseperson (1:52:57 AM):demanding!

me (1:53:07 AM):lolz, i don’t mean to be a brute

me (1:53:14 AM):you can go if you want

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~NEXT DAY

Randomwiseperson (12:23:12 AM):what are u thinking

me (12:24:15 AM): In this personal capsule, where there is only your voice to be heard. I realized there was this gap in my heart.
“My deen is kindness;
my mosque is nature;
my God is a love deep inside”
Rings so true. But this love deep inside which use to be so great, so vast (or at least I look but and think it was) seemed so empty. I should be feeling Allah within me. Instead there was a vast expanse of wasteland… I looked inside and saw this ill-fitting and ill-equipped landfill, with things and people jetting out because they weren’t really suppose to be there. Allah (swt) was.

me (12:24:19 AM): from my blog

when I started crying in my qur’an

Randomwiseperson (12:25:43 AM):mmmmm

Randomwiseperson (12:26:33 AM):أنا جليس من ذكرني

Randomwiseperson (12:26:47 AM):“I sit with the one who invokes/remembers Me”

Randomwiseperson (12:27:03 AM):i find thats a good measuring stick

me (12:27:30 AM): ummm

me (12:27:35 AM): i feel it’s not enough

me (12:27:52 AM): like I do all the things I need to do

me (12:27:54 AM): and more

me (12:28:13 AM): I feel immense joy in life

me (12:28:28 AM): despite hardship and heartbreak

me (12:28:34 AM): but I feel

me (12:28:36 AM): ummmm

me (12:28:55 AM): I should literally FEEL Allah within me

me (12:28:59 AM): idk me (12:29:20 AM): I really don’t know what wrong with me

Randomwiseperson (12:29:44 AM):well wud u say that ur running after joy and joyous experiences?

Randomwiseperson (12:30:15 AM):cuz then it wud be defining Allah’s presence by joy and His absence by lack of joy, whereas He’s always there

me (12:30:37 AM): yes

Randomwiseperson (12:30:37 AM):or that’s not the case anyway for you?

me (12:30:49 AM): but even in pain

me (12:30:55 AM): I see beauty

me (12:31:04 AM): and thus there is momently joy

me (12:31:08 AM): and in pain

me (12:31:19 AM): where all I feel is pain at the moment

me (12:31:29 AM): I want to feel Allah’s embrace

me (12:31:48 AM): and I have felt his comfort before in such overwhelming pain

me (12:31:54 AM): but….

me (12:31:56 AM): ummm

me (12:31:58 AM): last night

me (12:32:02 AM): when I left

me (12:32:08 AM): I went outside

me (12:32:18 AM): in the field to pray and cry

me (12:32:35 AM): and against the earth

me (12:32:38 AM): hugging it

me (12:32:45 AM): I felt some comfort

me (12:32:56 AM): but just some

me (12:32:57 AM): bas

Randomwiseperson (12:35:58 AM):its easier to come to Allah thru His Messenger He sends to you…. one of the hadiths i like to talk about is the one where Ubay (remember my email) is complaining to Rasul Allah (asws) that someone recited the qur’an differently than he did, and Rasul (asws) placed his fragrant hand upon Ubay’s chest and said, “dont u know Allah sent it down to me in various Ahruf (hard to translate, maybe modes??), and Ubay said, “at that moment i trembled in awe and looking at him,it was as if i was looking at Allah Himself” (Sahih Muslim)

Randomwiseperson (12:37:50 AM):he’s the same sahabi that wanted to spend all his dhikr portion doing salawat, and he’s the one that everyone in the world who recites Qur’an is indepted to, because it all came thru him

Randomwiseperson (12:38:06 AM):indebted*

Randomwiseperson (12:38:14 AM):anyway, salawat…. maybe this story can help explain what im trying to say

me (12:40:52 AM): follow the sunnah keep the sunnha close?

Randomwiseperson (12:41:14 AM):much more than “follow the sunnah” tho more like merge into him (alayhi salat wa salam) i dont know if u’ve heard the name, but there was this very famous Wali (u can say “saint”) named Abu Yazid al-Bastami, who had a student

Randomwiseperson (12:43:26 AM):hmm, well maybe i’ll keep that story till later, it needs some intro

Randomwiseperson (12:44:26 AM):the person begins to do salawat

Randomwiseperson (12:44:54 AM):slowly the bad character traits fall off (greed, pride, etc), and replaced by the good ones

Randomwiseperson (12:45:55 AM):in an almost effortless way, the person “molds” into his form (asws), he automatically walks the same way he used to walk, even tho he might have never heard or read a description of how he walks

Randomwiseperson (12:47:08 AM):slowly slowly the love connection grows between them, thicker and stronger… when he prays for example, its like the Prophet is praying inside of him, thru him….. “and know that within you is the Rasul Allah” (Qur’an 49:7)

Randomwiseperson (12:48:03 AM):all the blessings that Allah sends down to anyone, actually goes thru him first, like he’s a cosmic conduit of that enormous flux of blessing Randomwiseperson (12:48:52 AM):“Allah is the Giver, and i am the distributor (qasim)” - Bukhari, so the closer u attach to him, the bigger of the share of the blessings u get that flows thru him

Randomwiseperson (12:49:57 AM):altho for example u dont receive the revelation from Jibril like he did, since no prophet after him, but the echoes of that descent are still reverberating, and u catch and absorb that echo

me (12:50:23 AM): insh’ALlah but you see I think when I was younger

Randomwiseperson (12:50:37 AM):until u experience something of the closeness he experiences

me (12:50:40 AM): I did feel that closeness but I was in constant anguish (I have such extremities of feelings) and I was very unhappy so is there a trade off?

my heart says no but my experience says yes

Randomwiseperson (12:52:09 AM):what do u mean by trade off exactly

me (12:52:44 AM): that in order to *feel* Allah–feel close I have to sarfice my happiness but maybe my happiness isn’t so true…? because it is from the dunya?

me (12:53:06 AM): psht

me (12:53:08 AM): no

me (12:53:13 AM): that’s stupid

me (12:53:16 AM): i suppose

me (12:53:18 AM): idk

Randomwiseperson (12:53:57 AM):(my name) all it means is the work isnt done yet

Randomwiseperson (12:54:25 AM):continue on, ur on the right path, just keep walking

Randomwiseperson (12:55:50 AM):knowledge can rush in all at once, but purity takes time and step by step, purification is too overwhelming to be done all at once):read the qur’an, do the dhikr and salawat, it will burn away any impediments and impurities and clean and clean the heart

Randomwiseperson (12:58:06 AM):then the more “real” Allah gets

Randomwiseperson (12:58:14 AM):if that makes sense

me (12:58:22 AM): yeah, insh’Allah but the older I get the more liberal I become

Randomwiseperson (12:59:04 AM):liberal??

me (12:59:09 AM): ummm in pratice I have curently more rigorious with myself put in mind

but* in mind catharsis’es constantly incur

I doubt things lie the vilitity of fiqh

Randomwiseperson (1:00:58 AM):validity??

me (1:01:06 AM): yeah yeah

me (1:01:09 AM): one sec

Randomwiseperson (1:01:13 AM):sure

me (1:03:55 AM): ok I am all for hijab–but read with an open mind–it’s not just about hijab–it’s about fiqh

me (1:03:58 AM): http://www.ijtihad.org/Hijab.htm

Randomwiseperson (1:07:30 AM):But for some inexplicable reason, the ascendant Islam today is highly legalistic and Shariah-obsessed. Islam in the mind of many Muslims is nothing but Shariah - what it really means in operational terms is that the beauty, the virtues and the meaning of Islam is confined to the rather mundane domain of medieval Islamic legalist discourse - Fiqh - which lacks the intellectual depth of Falsafa (Islamic philosophy), the aesthetics and the mystery of Kalam (Islamic theology) and the spirituality and charisma of Tasawwuf (Islamic mysticism).

Randomwiseperson (1:07:32 AM):i agree

me (1:07:57 AM): I agree wholeheartly

Randomwiseperson (1:08:37 AM):i also like his point about the epistemiologic hijab, separating women fromthe sources

in the past women were much more involved in learning and teaching, but over the last 3-400 years, thats been in decline

me (1:09:12 AM): yeah no female scholars

Randomwiseperson (1:09:42 AM):well no female scholars currently (or very few), but in the past plenty

hmm he did make one mistake tho: Even historically, men and men alone have developed all the Madhahib - legal schools, and legal principles, even those that deal with the most private aspects of female existence

Randomwiseperson (1:12:35 AM):good article

me (1:13:17 AM): i thought so too

me (1:13:26 AM): it looks like I need to go……..

Salaam

I have decided to make a public blog. And what better time then to do it while fajr the “dawn” of a new day. Sharing myself thoughts and sentiments while I am away from home should be made a priority after reading textbooks (and everything is done) nevertheless, I shall try to be consistant. Blogs I have made in the past before were anonymous because truths are hard to tell friends and I am a painfully honest person (at least I think so, most of the time). (youtube.com/watch?v=KuKCda-cFew) “Will You Hate Me?” by Dawud Wharnsby perfectly echoes this sentiment. When I accidentally came upon it while looking for “All the Children of the World” by the same artist my jaw dropped and my eyes misted—for all my “self-destructive” honesty and sincerity—at least about things that matter—it made me pride myself in it when I was in a point of my life where I highly doubted the vitality of it.

My life is like a rollercoaster (pretty much like everyone else’s), and I am not that articulate so I can’t promise that you will comprehend me in every post.

Blogging since 2005, I have never ever truly and fully associated and identified myself in my blogs. The idea of it genuinely terrifies me. And that I have actually made the decision to also post this on my facebook horrifies me even further; but fear is a wall needing to be dispelled in the journey of life so I’m set on breaking it down.

My past blogs were mostly born out of pure anguish, pain and emotion. Today, at this moment however, I feel like I am taking a pragmatic approach (which means for me generally balanced in the real world because I am overly-emotional—I know this but I still recklessly express myself because I have promised myself to and been handsomely rewarded for it).

Oye I sound so egotistical. That’s another thing. How am I able to express myself fully while thinking about what the reader is thinking, assuming?—there are many things in your head; in your cultural mindful context sound perfectly fine, until you speak them. Letting the heavy truths come out of your heart, rolling up your throat, felted by your tongue and released into the judging, misunderstanding and critical world… it’s scary. But I have set upon myself to share.

The world’s too small for walls.