Born Confused

me (11:21:14 PM): “‘Though it is possible to utter words only with the intention to fulfill the will of God, it is very difficult not to think about the impression which they will produce on men and not to form them accordingly. But deeds you can do quite unknown to men, only for God. And such deeds are the greatest joy that a man can experience.”
-Leo Nilolaevich Tolstoy

me (11:21:25 PM): wallah it’s teh truest thing on earth

me (11:21:38 PM): well not the “truest”

me (11:21:44 PM): but it’s up there

me (11:21:57 PM): you know when you keep it secert

me (11:22:06 PM): and the joy welds in

me (11:22:21 PM): I enjoy if your more ampt to analyze

me (11:22:26 PM): and love it more

me (11:22:37 PM): and gain a deeper a apperication for it

BLAH (11:22:49 PM): uhhh Illana

me (11:22:52 PM): perhaps more wisedom from it too

BLAH (11:22:54 PM): you lost me back there

me (11:23:02 PM): LOLz

me (11:23:07 PM): think not of it

me (11:23:14 PM): I lose many people

BLAH (11:23:43 PM): thats some pretty psychedelic philosophical stuff

me (11:24:05 PM): ?? umm?

me (11:24:21 PM): I don’t mean to guess at things I know least of

me (11:24:27 PM): grey matter you know

me (11:24:42 PM): that benifits no one

me (11:24:45 PM): in the end

me (11:24:55 PM): but you would agree no?

me (11:25:12 PM): or here i lost thee again?

me (11:25:15 PM): have*

BLAH (11:25:14 PM): hahahahaha

BLAH (11:25:16 PM): becharie

me (11:25:53 PM): HAHHA

me (11:25:57 PM): nevermind

BLAH (11:26:20 PM): just speak in plain english

me (11:27:17 PM): but i am dyslexic

me (11:27:22 PM): har har har

BLAH (11:27:45 PM): doesnt matter

me (11:36:19 PM): LOlz

me (11:36:24 PM): perhaps

me (11:36:37 PM): well do you want me to explain?

BLAH (11:37:19 PM): definitely

BLAH (11:38:31 PM): well?

me (11:38:44 PM): my mom called

BLAH (11:38:49 PM): o ok

BLAH (11:38:52 PM): take your time

me (12:06:19 AM): DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
I LOVE MY MOM

me (12:06:23 AM): HHEHEHEH

me (12:06:28 AM): ok ok

me (12:06:31 AM): i’lll chill

me (12:06:33 AM): LOOOOLLLz

me (12:06:36 AM): gosh

me (12:06:37 AM): heehee

me (12:06:39 AM): ok

me (12:06:40 AM): ok

me (12:06:46 AM): where were theeeeeeeee….?

me (12:06:49 AM): ahhhh

me (12:06:54 AM): attempting

me (12:07:01 AM): och’ay yaaaaaaaaaar

me (12:07:12 AM): vat i vas tryiiiiiinnnnnnnnnng

me (12:07:19 AM): to sayyyyyyyyy

me (12:07:24 AM): vas

me (12:07:26 AM): ya3ni

me (12:07:40 AM): when you do something for the sake of Allah

me (12:07:46 AM): just Allah (swt)

me (12:07:54 AM): you keep it secert

me (12:07:59 AM): and I was wondering

BLAH (12:08:03 AM): right

me (12:08:09 AM): like this beautiful gem

me (12:08:25 AM): this sunlight that you have in your chest

BLAH (12:08:39 AM): i have sunlight in my chest? wow cool

me (12:08:44 AM): that this joy for doing something good

me (12:08:47 AM): heehee

me (12:08:55 AM): when you hoan it

me (12:09:14 AM): whenyou hold it close

me (12:09:26 AM): I wonder if you gain knowledge

me (12:09:32 AM): disapline perahps

me (12:09:38 AM): and thus wisedom from it?

me (12:09:44 AM): like a well

me (12:09:52 AM): that grows bigger?

BLAH (12:09:54 AM): possibly

me (12:10:04 AM): so next time you caught more rain

BLAH (12:10:02 AM): you could be referring to your heart itself

me (12:10:09 AM): ?

BLAH (12:10:18 AM): as nabeyuna Muhammad said … if your heart is good then the rest of you will be good

me (12:10:59 AM): heart?

me (12:11:00 AM): ummm

me (12:11:02 AM): nay

BLAH (12:11:11 AM): yay

BLAH (12:11:12 AM): nay

BLAH (12:11:15 AM): maybe say

me (12:11:20 AM): we do not truely know if our heart is goood

me (12:11:33 AM): everyone has faults

me (12:11:42 AM): I speak of the joy of Alllah

me (12:11:47 AM): of doign good

me (12:11:58 AM): yeah i suppose that’s what i mean

me (12:12:03 AM): feeling noor

me (12:12:05 AM): i suppose

me (12:12:09 AM): in your heart

me (12:12:19 AM): like a rising sun

me (12:12:24 AM): making you happy

BLAH (12:12:23 AM): mmm

BLAH (12:12:27 AM): thats still in your heart though

BLAH (12:12:35 AM): the noor illiminates your heart

BLAH (12:12:46 AM): which in turn affects the rest of your body and your behaviors

me (12:13:10 AM): until you start singing and dances and randomly screaming?

me (12:13:12 AM): LOOLLz

BLAH (12:13:28 AM): haha

BLAH (12:13:31 AM): Sufi-style?

BLAH (12:13:32 AM): maybe

BLAH (12:13:45 AM): well

BLAH (12:13:48 AM): kinda

me (12:14:30 AM): ummm saying the noor illumating in the heart sounds so pretenation

me (12:14:31 AM): s

me (12:14:39 AM): like so assuming

me (12:14:51 AM): i’ rather say joy

BLAH (12:14:59 AM): sure

me (12:15:06 AM): b/c i am feeling it right now

me (12:15:15 AM): and i am not nearly as holyly

me (12:15:18 AM): LOOOLLz

me (12:15:26 AM): but I probabaly have holes

me (12:15:30 AM): Bwhahaha

BLAH (12:15:36 AM): LOL

me (12:15:44 AM): in the brain

BLAH (12:15:43 AM): so tell me why you’re feeling like that

BLAH (12:15:53 AM): well you have seven holes in your head already

me (12:16:11 AM): probably i have more

me (12:16:31 AM): hahaha

me (12:16:38 AM): but that was the point yaar

BLAH (12:16:41 AM): your two eyes, your two nostrils, your two ears and your mouth … seven holes

BLAH (12:16:43 AM):

me (12:16:48 AM): keeping it secert

BLAH (12:16:53 AM): so anyways, why are you feeling so giddy?

me (12:17:04 AM): holding int the joy until you just…

me (12:17:06 AM): LOOLLZ

me (12:17:10 AM): explode

me (12:17:17 AM): heehee

me (12:17:33 AM): i am nonsense

BLAH (12:17:32 AM): well

BLAH (12:17:33 AM): tell me

me (12:17:50 AM): heehee

me (12:17:51 AM): nay

me (12:17:54 AM): sorry

me (12:17:58 AM):

BLAH (12:17:56 AM): ‘fess up Illana

me (12:18:06 AM): neverrrrrrrr

me (12:18:10 AM): heehee

me (12:18:21 AM): my point was

me (12:18:28 AM): by not sharing such things

BLAH (12:18:32 AM): uhuh

me (12:18:42 AM): does it make it more precious?

BLAH (12:18:53 AM): sometimes

BLAH (12:19:24 AM): if you share it with someone else and it improves them, if it improves their outlook on life, or makes them happy and smile, then it makes you more happy as a result, because you just helped someone feel better

BLAH (12:19:26 AM): or become better

BLAH (12:19:28 AM): so then

BLAH (12:19:41 AM): it becomes even more valuable to you because you know you canhelp others with it

me (12:19:54 AM): Hahahaha!

me (12:19:57 AM): good try!

me (12:20:02 AM): LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLz

BLAH (12:20:10 AM):

BLAH (12:20:17 AM): i always try

me (12:20:41 AM): by keeping it secert does it improve you?

me (12:20:54 AM): teach you wisedom?

BLAH (12:20:55 AM): it might, i dunno

BLAH (12:21:02 AM): depends on what it is

BLAH (12:21:06 AM): i dont even know what it is

me (12:21:10 AM): allow you to hold more joy and noor next time?

BLAH (12:21:32 AM): possibly

me (12:21:34 AM): oye I am goign to throw a chapal a you

BLAH (12:21:42 AM): but my mommy always taught me to share

me (12:21:45 AM): I am talking about the noor you feel inside

me (12:21:59 AM): keeping it secert

BLAH (12:21:59 AM): well the noor i have inside .. No, i dont keep it inside

BLAH (12:22:05 AM): i dont keep it a secret, no

me (12:22:18 AM): ugh

me (12:22:24 AM): i don’t think your listening

me (12:22:36 AM): ya3ni let me spell it out for you

me (12:22:43 AM): even though i can’t spell

me (12:23:03 AM): you do something for Allah>> thus you feel noor>>

BLAH (12:23:04 AM): okay

BLAH (12:23:07 AM): right

me (12:23:13 AM): by doing it for Allah

me (12:23:20 AM): you keep it secert

BLAH (12:23:29 AM): well yeah thats true

BLAH (12:23:34 AM): but thats the actual ACT itself

me (12:23:36 AM): but by sharing it does it cheapen it?

me (12:23:39 AM): and then

me (12:23:44 AM): the noor itself

BLAH (12:23:48 AM): no, that you dont share really

BLAH (12:23:49 AM): but

me (12:23:51 AM): by sharing it

BLAH (12:23:53 AM): the noor you got from it

me (12:23:56 AM): eik min

me (12:23:58 AM): eik min

BLAH (12:24:02 AM): that you can share, without revealing the action itself

me (12:24:08 AM): yeahhh

me (12:24:11 AM):

me (12:24:13 AM): ok

BLAH (12:24:18 AM): k

me (12:24:27 AM): does sharing the noor cheapen the act itself?

me (12:24:41 AM): ?

BLAH (12:24:42 AM): depends how you’re sharing it

me (12:24:50 AM): like how?

BLAH (12:24:49 AM): if you are talking about the act itself

BLAH (12:24:57 AM): then yeah, it becomes cheapened

BLAH (12:25:01 AM): you did it for the sake of Allaah

BLAH (12:25:07 AM): so leave it between you and Him

me (12:26:01 AM): but smiling like a crazy head… things you can’t control becasue you can bearly contain yourself

me (12:26:12 AM): does that cheapen it as well?

BLAH (12:26:20 AM): nope

BLAH (12:26:24 AM): not at all

me (12:26:37 AM): LOOLLz

me (12:26:39 AM): ok

me (12:26:47 AM): did having this convo

me (12:26:55 AM): becasue you have an inkling

me (12:27:05 AM): b/c i had to SPELL it out for you

BLAH (12:27:10 AM): lol

me (12:27:15 AM): cheapen it?

BLAH (12:27:20 AM): all I know so far, is that you’re really happy

BLAH (12:27:25 AM): and no it didnt cheapen it

me (12:27:45 AM): INSHALLAH THEN

me (12:27:55 AM): LOOOLLz

me (12:27:59 AM): I am soo lame

me (12:28:01 AM): heehee

BLAH (12:28:01 AM): naw

BLAH (12:28:04 AM): you’re alright

me (12:28:08 AM): Alhumduillah

me (12:28:42 AM): *happy sigh*

 

me (12:50:54 AM): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1jhwHgMoF0

me (12:57:09 AM): !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

me (12:57:13 AM): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTH5E-da3QU&feature=related

me (12:57:16 AM): LOOOOOOOOOOOKi

friend (12:57:46 AM): salamualaikum

friend (12:57:47 AM): nusaiba

friend (12:57:49 AM): is aMAZING

me (12:57:55 AM): YAAAAAAAAAAR

me (12:57:57 AM): mASHALLAH

me (12:58:08 AM): watch shatry

me (12:58:13 AM): i have him on my ipod

me (12:58:20 AM): but the translation!!!

me (12:58:23 AM): yaya

me (12:58:29 AM): making me happy

me (12:58:33 AM): LOOOLz

friend (12:58:39 AM): one sec

friend (1:00:45 AM): what about the translation

me (1:01:05 AM): I like knowing what i am listening to

me (1:01:13 AM): truly touches the heart

me (1:01:23 AM): what is deen without knowledge?

me (1:02:24 AM): oye wa alikum assalam wa rathmaullah baraktuhu

me (1:02:26 AM): LOOOLLz

friend (1:02:32 AM): haha

me (1:02:34 AM): my apogilsess

friend (1:02:33 AM): word

me (1:02:38 AM): LOOOOLLz

me (1:02:42 AM): you beat me yaar

me (1:02:44 AM): LOOOLz

me (1:03:37 AM): compare

me (1:03:42 AM): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q2GoqGkN3dU

me (1:04:57 AM): he’s inspired

me (1:05:02 AM): but.. i wonder

me (1:05:07 AM): in such a setting

me (1:05:21 AM): if unintentially the intention is flawed?

me (1:05:34 AM): like when ones sings

friend (1:05:40 AM): i know..

me (1:05:44 AM): you can’t help but have ego

friend (1:05:46 AM): i’m not comfortale iwt that

friend (1:05:48 AM): i know

friend (1:05:49 AM): actually

friend (1:05:51 AM): with nusaiba

friend (1:05:53 AM): as beautiful as her voice is

friend (1:05:59 AM): i HATE these qari competitoins

friend (1:06:00 AM): all it does

friend (1:06:02 AM): is build ego

friend (1:06:05 AM): and superficiality

me (1:08:28 AM): yes, indeed it must… but we should assum the best and if so it must be not malicious just unintentional. but then what is human nature? should we deny it? or do these competitions also perfect the voice

friend (1:08:36 AM): of ocurse

friend (1:08:37 AM): but

friend (1:08:40 AM): i’m tlaking about

me (1:08:42 AM): encourage prefection of the human?

friend (1:08:42 AM): the competitoins itself

friend (1:08:45 AM): theyre detrimental

friend (1:08:49 AM): eh…

friend (1:08:49 AM): i mean

me (1:08:53 AM): to eman?

me (1:09:09 AM): so is success in this life, s3?

me (1:09:15 AM): in any form?

me (1:09:23 AM): builds the ego…

me (1:09:36 AM): go on

me (1:09:40 AM): i am listening

me (1:09:57 AM): your the first that concurs with me

friend (1:10:25 AM): this qari ocmpetitioins build more ego and superficiality than one can imagine

friend (1:10:25 AM): and

friend (1:10:30 AM): it can easily be denied

friend (1:10:32 AM): because you can hide it

friend (1:10:35 AM): but then

friend (1:10:38 AM): its between you and God

friend (1:11:11 AM): and honestly

friend (1:11:13 AM): if i was in her position

friend (1:11:18 AM): as modest as i would TRY to be about it

friend (1:11:20 AM): my modesty woul dbe

friend (1:11:21 AM): superficial

friend (1:11:25 AM): because between me and God

friend (1:11:30 AM): i’d know i’m da bomb

me (1:12:35 AM): until realization and maturity take over, and you realize the skilll and talent you display has no reflection on the quality of your HEART

me (1:12:38 AM): of your soul

me (1:13:11 AM): but tis takes time

friend (1:13:13 AM): and

me (1:13:15 AM): to realize it

friend (1:13:17 AM): not everyone can do it

friend (1:13:20 AM): these ompetitions

friend (1:13:24 AM): facilitate shaytan

friend (1:13:26 AM): to enter your heart

me (1:14:16 AM): i agreee, but so does everything in this dunya–but do we shy away from it? nay, i say we have an obligation to it

me (1:14:28 AM): like leadership?

me (1:14:39 AM): shall we liken it to leadership?

me (1:15:04 AM): Islamic leadership is a huge burden. Just imaging the day of Judgment… oye… One who is a leader of an org is not only responsible for their own actions but as well as others in the org while they are the leader. On the Day it is one of the largest burden upon people and will probably be the cause of much demise.

friend (1:15:17 AM): but leadership is different

friend (1:15:19 AM): its a responsiblity

friend (1:15:23 AM): being a contender in a qari competiiton

friend (1:15:24 AM): is not.

friend (1:15:26 AM): we dont need em

friend (1:15:30 AM): there are alternatives

me (1:16:05 AM): does it strenghten the eman, and move the listener?

me (1:16:10 AM): some may say so

friend (1:16:14 AM): a competition

friend (1:16:14 AM): no

friend (1:16:17 AM): the recitatoindoes

me (1:18:30 AM): and competition hons the prefection of recitation, and as for prefection, it’s all relivant, is it not?

me (1:18:53 AM): so a gathering of some sort to show the world is needed?

friend (1:18:58 AM): sa that again

me (1:19:21 AM): me (1:18:30 AM): and competition hons the prefection of recitation, and as for prefection, it’s all relivant, is it not?
me (1:18:53 AM): so a gathering of some sort to show the world is needed?

friend (1:19:29 AM): lol

friend (1:19:30 AM): no i mean

friend (1:19:32 AM): wha tod you mean

me (1:19:52 AM): ummm

me (1:19:54 AM): LOOOOLLz

me (1:19:59 AM): ok

me (1:20:02 AM): well

me (1:20:16 AM): competition builds up the perfection

me (1:20:22 AM): it’s a means of gathering

me (1:20:35 AM): and perfect is relivent

me (1:20:43 AM): for only Allah is truely prefect

me (1:20:58 AM): we as tiny humans have no TRUE concept of it

me (1:21:03 AM): sooo

me (1:21:08 AM): we try

me (1:21:21 AM): and perfection is relvant to your means

me (1:21:28 AM): sooo

me (1:21:37 AM): a gathering is need?

me (1:21:39 AM): s3?

friend (1:23:40 AM): hmm

friend (1:23:53 AM): but the way that competitoins are conducted

friend (1:23:57 AM): is what i’m against

friend (1:24:12 AM): it shouldn’t be hyped up, a public display

me (1:24:20 AM): ummm

me (1:24:24 AM): i must concur

me (1:24:47 AM): but perhaps it’s also our human moviation in side that we should change

me (1:25:13 AM): because people are lured into these competitions by awards

me (1:25:19 AM): human nature I suppose

me (1:25:23 AM): we’ll call it

me (1:25:41 AM): and perhaps it should be towards somthing esle

friend (1:26:17 AM): right

me (1:26:21 AM): becasue after such a gathering … without a tropthy or title?

me (1:26:32 AM): can you put it on display?

me (1:26:38 AM): very few

me (1:26:46 AM): can get hyped upon

me (1:26:52 AM): and put on TV

me (1:30:02 AM): are you busy?

friend (1:30:39 AM): i’m juggling

friend (1:30:39 AM): haha

friend (1:30:40 AM): so sorry

friend (1:30:59 AM): but dude

friend (1:31:03 AM): its not about just the physical

friend (1:31:07 AM): awards that you can touch

friend (1:31:09 AM): its also baout

friend (1:31:11 AM): ego

friend (1:31:19 AM): about how people act around you

friend (1:31:22 AM): when they hear you recite

me (1:36:13 AM): yes, indeed

me (1:36:27 AM): but if Allah give you a talent as well

me (1:36:34 AM): He give you the capcity

me (1:36:58 AM): to seek wisedom and realize your talent isn’t a reflexction upon your soul

me (1:37:04 AM): it’s a fitnah

me (1:37:13 AM): as is being handsome

me (1:37:20 AM): or beautiful

me (1:37:25 AM): heehee

friend (1:37:53 AM): hahaha

friend (1:37:53 AM): yes

in the end this touched me the most:

me (3:37:52 AM):oye bechara

me (3:37:58 AM):it’s halal

me (3:38:07 AM):Allah knows best

me (3:38:28 AM):it made you all the wiser didn’t it?

me (3:38:38 AM):and a better and deeper person

Blahblah (3:38:54 AM): life has its way of doing that regardless

me (3:39:36 AM):life isn’t regardless–esp in these things

me (3:39:43 AM):measure your life with love

Blahblah (3:40:56 AM): J

Blahblah (3:41:04 AM): i’mma hit the sack Illana

Blahblah (3:41:08 AM): got work in the morning

Blahblah (3:41:19 AM): talk to u later, deal?

Blahblah (4:01:34 AM): good luck

Blahblah (4:01:38 AM): i’m out

Blahblah (4:01:43 AM): salamualaikum

me (4:01:44 AM):your on muslim time

me (4:01:50 AM):you said that 5 times

Blahblah (4:01:58 AM): yeah but i can cram

me (4:02:01 AM):like an auntie that won’t leave

Blahblah (4:02:05 AM): get up for Fajr at 7

Blahblah (4:02:08 AM): 3 hours sleep

Blahblah (4:02:11 AM): and i’ll be rockin’

me (4:02:15 AM):psht

me (4:02:22 AM):i will proba get 1

Blahblah (4:02:30 AM): go on Google

Blahblah (4:02:37 AM): and look up the Ubermann sleep schedule

me (4:02:43 AM):why should I?

me (4:02:53 AM):give me a reason

Blahblah (4:02:57 AM): it might intrigue you

Blahblah (4:03:05 AM): and give you some options

Blahblah (4:03:24 AM): when you have options, you have more freedom

me (4:03:45 AM):thus more choice and danger

me (4:03:50 AM):and overload!

Blahblah (4:03:57 AM): danger is mitigated by advance knowledge

me (4:04:18 AM):unless our an idoit

Blahblah (4:04:21 AM): if you know in advance that there’s a pot-hole in the road, then you can avoid it easily

me (4:04:21 AM):your*

me (4:05:10 AM):but then where’s the aggrenaline?

me (4:05:15 AM):the advanture?

Blahblah (4:05:20 AM): adrenaline?

me (4:05:23 AM):the instinctual wi

me (4:05:33 AM):(yeah I am dyslexic –i can’t spell)

me (4:05:36 AM):wit*

Blahblah (4:05:56 AM): the adrenaline comes during those moments when you jump off a cliff, and construct your wings while you’re on the way down

Blahblah (4:06:14 AM): J

me (4:06:31 AM):or when you have to react fast b/c there is a hole

Blahblah (4:06:45 AM): truesay

me (4:06:46 AM): J

Blahblah (4:06:53 AM): but that becomes natural instinct

Blahblah (4:07:03 AM): and adrenaline is not needed as much

me (4:07:08 AM):and natural instinct is true freedom

Blahblah (4:07:15 AM): si senorita

Blahblah (4:07:18 AM): we agree then

me (4:07:48 AM):then i do not need your “google and sleeping stuff”

me (4:07:59 AM):i shall use my wit

me (4:08:04 AM):and true freedom!

Blahblah (4:08:07 AM): haha, sure

Blahblah (4:08:08 AM): okay

 

i think it is true freedom relying on wit only, and perhaps islam is against that because the first words were ”iqra! bismi rabbik alladhee khalaq….”

the accumulation of knowledge and educated choice. share your thoughts.

Assalamalaikum,

Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said, “Whoever says (upon leaving his
house): `Bismillah, tawakkaltu `alallah, wa la hawla wa la quwwata
illa billah [I begin with the Name of Allah; I trust in Allah; there
is no altering of conditions but by the Power of Allah],’ it will be
said to him: ‘You are guided, defended and protected.’ The devil will
go far away from him”.
[Abu Dawud, At-Tirmidhi and An-Nasa’i].

Commentary: The prayer quoted in this Hadith shows the importance of
confidence and trust in Allah and request for security against the mischief of Satan.
HEHEE–it’s wonderful being home–even the assholes make you feel empowered :D

Ah, I didn’t realize how much I value fimilarity until I came back home. Black friday is tomorrow. HEEHEE
Yesterday i went from the airport to CAIR and then CAIR to a dinner straight. Believe me, being sustained on less then 2 hours of sleep made me a bit lethargic

 

Brotha (4:37:15 PM): she calls me to discuss this issue

me (4:37:18 PM): you might want to take it slow

me (4:38:04 PM): if you force food down someone’s throat when they are not hungry they throw up. you have to wait until they are hungry

Brotha (4:38:04 PM): yea thats how it is …

Brotha (4:38:07 PM): we are taking it slow

me (4:38:18 PM): so they come to your food

Brotha (4:38:19 PM): true

me (4:38:24 PM): and you better be a good cook

Brotha (4:38:26 PM): sooo true

Brotha (4:38:41 PM): Mashallah thats an awesome analogy

 

**disclaimer: I am a horrid cook, if you don’t believe me look  at the testimony of my mother in the previous entry**

I danced today

and my hair flew every which way

happiness grew

as beauty ensued

my eyes green and bright–

thank you mirror

I am an awesome wild sight!

Flying higher and higher!

Nowhere near tis’ tier

Joy sprang a rose

And no door seem to close

I have been feeling very poetic:

Laughter so loud
Tears so sweet
We’ll look back on the days we were so proud
On our feet
Near to anguish we were
Ecstasy simply pure
Oh those mighty days when we caused such a stir!
Everything was importanr and taken with zeal
Still strong we were not needing that meal
Naive we were–taking to love so fast!
Gone are the days
So now we just laugh!

HEEHEE… ALLAH-u-AKHBAR!

ring! ring! ring!

half-conscious i rose up from my nap. glazed at the clock through heavy lids “7:14”. damn.

Alhumduillah.

missed dinner again.

angrily, the phone rang again. i picked up the receiver.

Shouting, yelling, singing. Incomprehendible. “huh?”

“ILLLLAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAA”

“guess what?!?”

“huh?” my mind was in the mud.

“ILANA” more impatiently, “GUESS WHAT?!”

“YYAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

i could tell they had been singing. i imaged my younger brothers on top of the bed dancing with their underwear. acting like native americans doing the ghost dance.

my head was in the clouds. “huh? I have no idea.”

“ILANA you WON.”

“HUH? What?” peered at the receiver for a moment. “Won what?”

“You won the Rosa Parks Scholarship!”

 

:)

 

i made sajood. mash’Allah. Allah-u-Akhbar. Alhumduillah.

Thank you Allah.

Dear Brother Iyad:

Assalam Alaikum Wa Rahmatullah Wa Barakatu.

Jazak Allah Khair for your support of Ilana and following through on re-sending the recommendation letter. I know you are so busy. When we choose positions to serve our community, we have chosen a path that takes our full attention, time and efforts. May Allah grant you the strength and energy to fulfill all that you hope to accomplish.

And, of course, being a mother, I can never help but to give advice. Now, Ilana forwarded me the e-mail you sent out about the training weekend. I see that you expect Ilana to prepare food for others and, which is far more dangerous, you even ask for recipes. Take my advice, and restrict her to serving and clean up. having been the victim of her scrambled eggs cooked in both butter and oil, and the tortured soul of her icee drink that included a full box of strawberries, 2 bananas, and a half jar of peanut butter, I pass onto to you the wisdom of my worn spirit.

But, knowing the adventurous and fool hearty spirit of youth, you will probably allow her to be head chef, just so you can have a truly unique experience.

A loving mother,
Umm Ilana

 

me (2:43:00 AM):i figured you felt emo

me (2:43:08 AM):thinking about death

person (2:44:00 AM):haha

person (2:44:00 AM):no

person (2:44:06 AM):I was just copying my friend’s thing

person (2:44:17 AM):it’s not emo to think about death

me (2:45:16 AM):it’s rather healthy, I agree–i just usually keep it to myself perhaps

me (2:45:32 AM):in fact i have been thinking about it a lot

person (2:47:41 AM):it really is

person (2:47:49 AM):you can’t appreciate life fully

person (2:47:55 AM):without contemplating death

person (2:48:03 AM):it doesn’t mean you should fear death

me (2:48:38 AM):even a little fear isn’t unhealthy

me (2:48:56 AM):fear is what makes you truly brave

me (2:49:27 AM):fear is what makes you truly able to appreciate

person (2:49:50 AM):I don’t regard that as fear

me (2:49:51 AM):http://youtube.com/watch?v=K9jOlGB5R5U

person (2:49:56 AM):I call that awareness

person (2:50:09 AM):consciousness

person (2:50:11 AM):but not fear

me (2:50:23 AM):are we not afraid of the harsh truth?

me (2:50:33 AM):the awareness?

person (2:50:38 AM):no

me (2:50:42 AM):it doesn’t paralyze us

me (2:51:00 AM):just like you said.. aware

person (2:51:12 AM):but that doesn’t make it fear

me (2:51:53 AM):wouldn’t you say one is an innate reaction and then the other is the resultant?

me (2:52:22 AM):result being aware, consciousness, fight or flight effect

me (2:52:27 AM):etc?

person (2:53:15 AM):but fear isn’t healthy

person (2:53:25 AM):awareness is

person (2:53:30 AM):we fear what we don’t know

me (2:53:36 AM):anything in excess is unhealthy

person (2:53:47 AM):fear in any quantity is unhealthy

me (2:54:28 AM):but we don’t know all, so fear is bond to happen–awareness, etc, is the healthy part to fear

me (2:54:30 AM):aye?

person (2:55:06 AM):no

person (2:55:14 AM):awareness is the opposite of fear

person (2:55:20 AM):it is the antidote to fear

me (2:56:03 AM):then what do you call it when the prey picks up it’s ears to the predictor?

person (2:56:39 AM):huh

me (2:59:17 AM):in nature, the gazelle picks up it’s ears to the as it approaches–do you deny that fear runs thought the prey–adrenaline rushes in heightening awareness?

me (2:59:27 AM):to the lion*

person (3:00:13 AM):the human being is elevated in this regard

person (3:00:21 AM):that is what sets us apart as the highest of creation

person (3:00:23 AM):our awareness

person (3:00:33 AM):that’s the whole point

person (3:00:38 AM):the difference between us and animals

person (3:00:44 AM):is that we have the ability to dispel our fears

person (3:00:53 AM):that is what we’ve been blessed with

me (3:01:34 AM):Freedom of will is what separates us

person (3:01:50 AM):and our awareness

me (3:02:24 AM):you mean the obtainment of knowledge

me (3:02:33 AM):“iqra…”

person (3:02:42 AM):more basic than that

person (3:02:50 AM):we are able to discern the world around us

person (3:03:06 AM):in such a way that allows us to make our own interpretations

person (3:03:20 AM):so the only reason we’d ever fear something

person (3:03:28 AM):is if we didn’t know about it

person (3:03:31 AM):if it was unknown

person (3:03:50 AM):but we have the ability to find out the unknown

me (3:05:13 AM):as do animals discern… that’s why we do not show the knife to them before we slaughter them. but do we not also have the knowledge of our own limited understanding of the world? and even in death… we know the little we do from the scriptures

me (3:06:13 AM):in an absolute sense i totally get what your saying… but it doesn’t seem realistic

person (3:06:39 AM):why not?

person (3:06:50 AM):aren’t we told not to fear anything but God?

person (3:07:07 AM):I believe even that statement has been corrupted in translation

person (3:07:28 AM):because taqwa does not mean fear so much as it means higher consciousness

person (3:07:35 AM):of course we feel fear person (3:07:42 AM):it’s natural

person (3:07:47 AM):but to say it’s healthy

person (3:07:50 AM):I can’t agree

me (3:09:28 AM):umm… you make me think… but cannot fear contribute to taqwa?

me (3:09:45 AM):a higher consciousness?

person (3:09:54 AM):I don’t think we should fear God

person (3:09:58 AM):I’ve told you this

me (3:10:01 AM):yes yes–I KNOW THIS

person (3:10:16 AM):perhaps fear is a step in the direction of consciousness

person (3:10:23 AM):but I don’t think it’s one we should stop at

person (3:10:33 AM):like I said

person (3:10:35 AM):it’s natural

me (3:10:38 AM):i never suggested we stop at it

me (3:10:45 AM):it’s a step of maturity though

me (3:10:51 AM):we must past

me (3:10:55 AM):to love Allah

person (3:11:30 AM):I mean

person (3:11:36 AM):I think it’s the default feeling

me (3:11:38 AM):even such ugly, shunned things as fear have a good side

person (3:11:42 AM):it doesn’t require much effort to fear things

me (3:11:49 AM):yes, it’s basic

person (3:11:52 AM):what good side could there be to fear?

me (3:12:26 AM):as long as it’s little, a heighten awareness–to accumulate understanding

me (3:12:44 AM):and with understanding comes the power to dispel fear

me (3:12:48 AM):and love

me (3:13:11 AM):we, as animalistic creatures must start somewhere

me (3:13:26 AM):we’re not innately holy or strong

person (3:13:51 AM):but then… it’s simply redundant to say fear is necessary

person (3:13:56 AM):because we fear by default

me (3:14:58 AM):we’re simply unaware by default, it’s when we wake up that we fear

person (3:16:04 AM):I dunno about that

person (3:16:08 AM):you may be right

person (3:16:16 AM):but I think we always fear

person (3:16:26 AM):it’s just subconsciously

me (3:17:33 AM):perhaps you are more aware then others…. my mind… some parts are still like a baby… until a lion approaches and my ears pick up

person (3:17:56 AM):perhaps

person (3:18:30 AM):but, for example, I think at the root of all racists is a fear

me (3:18:59 AM):like when you learn about crimes… the way people kill each other… how they caught them, torture…. when you walk down an alley way your aware of every sound behind you

me (3:19:14 AM):oh racists are overwhelmed with fear

me (3:20:14 AM):a twinge of fear–to keep you aware of what’s behind you in that alley-way–because you just learned new possibilities …

me (3:20:49 AM):of how someone can hurt you is what i am talking about—and even that can develop into paranoia

me (3:21:36 AM):our task in our free will is to dispel the fear–or at least most of it

me (3:21:56 AM):if we’re not able to do all of it

me (3:22:06 AM):to keep ourselves safe

me (3:23:46 AM):your right, I’m right… we just start from different gauges and starts

me (3:24:10 AM):but i think we concur about heighten awareness etc

person (3:26:07 AM):yeah

person (3:26:10 AM):I guess so person (3:26:12 AM):lol

me (3:27:47 AM):och’ay yaar, it’s been a very very very long and arduous day alhumduillah

me (3:27:54 AM):very productive

me (3:28:05 AM):and i am very tired ……..

salaam

I miss my family. I do. I am in the midst of studying for a test at the last moment and … AWW two children just pasted me in the library. “HELLOoo~!” one said as he past me his smile bright and his eyes twinkling.

My God, when we were young and life was simple… and I use to see unicorns in the sky…

My brothers, they are growing up… it saddens me to think that one day I won’t be able to tackle them, cuddle them and bite their ears (LOLz).

Last night I talked to them through my dinner… a good tactic when your short for time and you really just want to listen. They fought and argued; there was a din of playing video games and imagery ones and all with an under current of love. My heart cooed.

“I miss you, Ilana,” said the biggest brat in the world.

My eyes blinked in fascination.

I miss you too.   

The Prophet (pbuh) said, “Do not wish to be like anyone except in two
cases. (The first is) A person, whom Allah has given wealth and he
spends it righteously; (the second is) the one whom Allah has given
wisdom (the Holy Qur’an) and he acts according to it and teaches it to
others.” (Bukhari 1:3:73)